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Wednesday, January 20, 2016



INFIDELITY, FAMILY COURT & EMOTIONS
© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016 

Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.



            The stereotypic divorce drama, involving the private detective trailing the cheating spouse is now less frequently seen in Family Court, at least in New Jersey where I practice.  Since the passage of the NJ “No fault divorce law” in 2007, it is much easier and simpler to get a divorce for no particular reason other than “irreconcilable differences” that must have have lasted for at least six months before the filing of the Complaint for Divorce. No trial necessary to prove these grounds, no requirement to be specific about what the irreconcilable differences are or how they arose. Just the six month requirement.  So why use the grounds of adultery (among others) at all? 
            The Courts are not really interested in marital fault any more unless there are substantial issues of physical or financial injury such as the major dissipation of marital assets, spousal violence resulting in injury, and some others.  Without getting into a discussion about these here, they can be called “marital torts” (for which money damages may be awarded) that essentially co-exist in parallel with the divorce litigation.  That will be the subject of another column.  Other than marital torts (called “Tevis claims” in NJ, named after Tevis v. Tevis, 79 N.J. 422 (1979)), that are successfully litigated, a Judge will not financially favor a litigant who complains about their estranged spouse committing adultery, for example.  So the Court will not award more alimony or any damages, or attorneys’ fees for being on the receiving end of infidelity.  The Courts do not care how many people your spouse slept with or what gender their partner was.  In that case, why do people bother?  Usually anger drives this choice, as well as the grounds of Extreme Cruelty.
Grounds for Divorce
            Divorcing over grounds of extreme cruelty or adultery enables the litigant to write a Certification, a sworn narrative that details as many specific details about the marital infidelity and/or extreme cruelty (e.g. being humiliated, insulted, treated in an emotionally abusive manner, etc.) that may have taken place over the course of the marriage.  For someone who is hurt, devastated, angry, or just wants to vent their marital experiences, this is an opportunity. On an emotional level, the angry spouse wants the Judge to know what happened. The spouse’s fantasy here is that the Judge will be outraged too. But that is just a fantasy since it will not happen.  Sometimes, however, it is recommended to detail these events in the Complaint to illustrate the spouse’s character, personality and violent or addictive tendencies (for example) and history when custody of children is involved.  But adultery alone is not a reason for the Court to award primary custody of a child to the non-cheating spouse. It is simply not a shocker anymore, and is so common as to be mundane in the courtroom context. While the non-cheating spouse may be outraged and devastated, the Court will not be unless something put the children at risk or has the real potential to do so (e.g. having an affair with an alcoholic, a felon, sex offender, or drug dealer, etc.). But even then, the financial outcome of the divorce is essentially the same, although a Judge may issue orders preventing the new partner (of any party for that matter) from any contact with the children if it there is a risk of harm
Why Infidelity?
            Why do people have affairs, anyway?  On the extreme end of the spectrum Some people who suffer from sexual addiction may be compelled to engage in serial sexual encounters due to their dysfunction.  But that is a disorder, requiring treatment like any other addiction.  It manifests itself in chronic sexual acting out behavior. It is not because the cheater fell out of love with their spouse, or that the spouse refuses sexual relations. It is rather, a compulsive behavior that is difficult if not impossible to resist.
            Some have affairs out of chronic anger or long term pent-up resentment against their spouse for a variety of possible reasons (may be called “excuses” or “rationalizations” by some). Anger, as I have stated elsewhere, can be a catalyst for change, or can be a destructive force if the anger is held inside, festering and getting in the way of love. Infidelity is often an act of anger against the resented spouse.  Some examples of underlying “reasons” acting as a wedge between the couple, thereby estranging them from each other over time, could include: Disagreements over money management and spending, meddling family members, the lack of sexual chemistry or lack of desire by a spouse, untreated alcoholism or substance abuse, employment problems, etc. just to name a few. Lack of sexual desire could happen after a woman has a child or after menopause, or for both genders could be the result of depression, anxiety, substance or alcohol abuse, etc.  A couple could drift apart because of the stress that a child with medical problems or handicapping conditions could generate, not to mention the need to focus on that child. The family dynamic that led to an infidelity could be complex and multifaceted and is a therapy issue.
But a cheating spouse could cheat without having any perceptible animosity or resentment toward their spouse.  A cheating spouse could cheat because of falling in love with someone with whom they interact on a regular basis, such as a co-worker. This may be an insidious process that grows over time.  It is possible that this cheating spouse can love both the spouse and the lover at the same time, differently, without having any desire to leave the marriage, without having any angry reason to have had an affair.  In this scenario, the cheating spouse carves out a separate and distinct relationship with the lover and with the unsuspecting spouse, as if in two separate worlds kept insulated from each other.  While this is difficult to get away with over a long period of time, some have this kind of relationship with two partners: a spouse and a lover, for years. 
            How much energy it takes to maintain a secret, other-life in addition to the marriage, may be huge and emotionally draining.  At some point, the cheating spouse may opt to leave one of the partners because they cannot maintain the fiction at home and keep a lover and spouse happy at the same time. Or subconsciously, that cheating spouse may allow him/herself to be discovered and this will force the inevitable and dramatic outcome on that person. Unless the couple wish to go for marriage counseling to work on their issues, the trauma to the marriage may be insurmountable (with or without therapy).  Or they may be able to salvage their relationship if the motivation is there. But damage is done and it is usually difficult (but not impossible) to re-establish trust after such an event.
Emotional Care
            A spouse discovering infidelity should immediately get a qualified therapist to help to emotionally process what happened in a productive manner, to prevent impulsive and reactive behavior that could ultimately be self-defeating or self-destructive.  If possible, marriage counseling should be considered, but at the very least, individual counseling.  The pain of discovery of the affair is great, and if the infidelity is seen as a back-stabbing betrayal, it will take time to heal. A support network will be helpful, but not if the support network vilifies and demonizes the cheating spouse. How could that possibly help the non-cheating spouse in any way except to encourage that person to be a victim?  The support network would not know the details and inner workings of the marital dynamics and history.  The one seeking support would be well advised to realize this and to request not to have their spouse (the parent of the children) become the target of hatred, vilification and disparagement, especially within earshot of the children.  It is up to the perceived victim of the cheating spouse to control the environment, including the reactions of family and well-intentioned friends. This can be done by polite requests not to disparage their spouse, regardless of how heinous others think he/she is for what they did.  The hurt and emotional upheaval that ensues should not be shared with the children since it will not be to their benefit. It will hurt them. So it takes great efforts to act in a healthy fashion after a major betrayal from a spouse or partner.  Letting it all out at once in a destructive manner will make things worse.  Regardless of the ubiquity of infidelity these days, it can be a devastating experience for most. That is why a therapist can help and this should not be delayed. Ironically, a victim of domestic violence or a spouse’s affair who cannot cope, may find themselves under scrutiny by the Court if children are getting exposed to undue emotional reactions, or attempts at alienation from the other parent. When everyone is under a microscope in Family Court, being in control of one’s emotions and putting the children first is essential.  You’re in enough pain already. Don’t make it worse by losing control. If there is acrimony between the spouses, the cheating spouse will not miss the opportunity to make it look like the non-cheating spouse is unstable and unfit. Regardless of the legitimacy of the reasons for the outrage, the expression of that outrage can be self-defeating and even self-destructive. Don’t let that happen.  Don’t fall into that trap because it can and will be used against you by the other spouse if there is an agenda to do so.
Effects on Children

The discovery of an affair, while devastating a marriage, can also have major effects on the children of the marriage, whether minors or emancipated adult children.  At times, the children will side with the non-cheating spouse (perceived to be the victim or unhappy underdog).  This can lead to severe estrangement of the children from the cheating parent, along with other possible emotional results in the children.  It doesn’t help if the non-cheating spouse rants constantly to the children what a creep the other parent is.  This kind of reaction does great damage to children.  Some parents cannot filter out their feelings to protect their children, thereby using the children as sounding boards or worse yet, therapists for the parent.  This does untold damage to children such as causing depression, behavioral acting out, anger management issues, or a child who becomes “parentified”.  The parentified child overly identifies with the needy parent, acts to nurture, calm and reassure that seemingly fragile parent.  This child may also act in a parental role for a younger sibling, if the grieving parent cannot. The parentified child may stay home more, have less interactions with his or her friends and be less of a child then he/she should be for their age. (less play, more taking care of a parent in need).  It is unnatural and not healthy since it is the parent who is supposed to nurture the child, not the other way around.  


Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.
Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016
Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.

Call us to schedule a consultation:  201-801-0455

email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com
Web Site:  www.jdgordonlaw.com
Tweet Me:  @jdgordonlaw; follow me on FaceBook



Monday, January 4, 2016



Parallel Parenting or “Split the Child in Two”
© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016 

Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.

            In divorce or uncoupling with children, there are many instances where the parents cannot communicate with each other, cannot or will not cooperate with each other, and in other respects continue the acrimony that existed since the demise of their relationship.  Obviously, for two individuals to share parental responsibilities effectively, there must be a basic level of cooperative civility and communication related to the best interests of their children.   Some are able to pull this off and their children only benefit from their parents presenting a unified, supportive and nurturant presence in their lives.  But many divorced or otherwise uncoupled parents cannot stop hating the other.  They carry their sense of betrayal, hurt feelings, perceived victimization and anger with them all the time.  It is very difficult for them to hide their feelings, to keep from making comments to, or in front of, their children.  That parent truly believes that they are the better parent (or the only parent that matters), regardless of the reality.  Maybe that parent is, or is not the better parent.  In a high-conflict divorce with children, the parties often have a parent coordinator appointed by the Court, to mediate the day-to-day conflicts related to parenting time and children’s activities, among other things. This can keep the parties out of Court, and enable the parties to avoid direct dealings with the other.  Sometimes in cases where both parents are clearly acting at odds with each other, to the detriment of the children, a Court may appoint a Guardian ad litem for the children who will act as an investigative attorney to report on the children’s best interests to the Court.
            Let’s say a couple got divorced and live more than a short local distance from each other, perhaps a 30-60 minute ride between homes.  In a case where both parents have a significant amount of overnights—more than just every other weekend for the non-primary residential parent—then you might find a scenario where both parents set up their own separate worlds between which the children move back and forth.  Recently, this phenomenon has been dubbed “parallel parenting”, since each parent sets up their own choices of activities, doctors, friends, and sometimes pre-schools, for their children.  So the children here would have two doctors, two soccer teams, two sets of friends, two birthday parties, etc.  The parents’ wish is to set up a scenario where they can have a life with their children, to the exclusion of any communication or interactions with the other parent.  But what effect does this have on the children?
            Unfortunately, there are no longitudinal data available to support the benefits or detriments of this setup on children.  But logically, how could this go on indefinitely? A child living in two separate worlds eventually will have to merge some activities of those worlds.  The child can only go to one elementary school by Kindergarten age.  If there are two pediatricians, will one communicate with each other?  What if one doctor prescribes something for the child while at one parent’s house, what if the other parent’s pediatrician disagrees with the treatment?  What about orthodontics?  Does the child have to belong to two soccer leagues, and what if one league’s game conflicts with the other league’s game?  It can get crazy, for the sake of setting up two distinct worlds for the child.  Who is this really for?
            It is likely, despite the stated goals of each parent to set up a wonderful, calm world for their child, that there is a certain amount of narcissism or parental selfishness operating within each world. The disdain by one parent for the other parent continues to exist, and it is unlikely that the children would be totally insulated from their respective parents’ feelings about the other.  Comments are made by a parent or relatives, facial expressions are revealing, and there is a rigidity within each parent’s structure that the child has to live with. It promotes the ongoing competitiveness between the parents to create the “better” world, to insidiously seduce the children toward one parent more than the other.  The parent(s) may or may not be consciously aware of this underlying motive or dynamic, and may strongly disagree that they are motivated by selfish motives.  But pronouncing that you are doing something that is good for your children does not necessarily make it good, even if you sincerely believe it. 
            Parallel parenting postpones the inevitable, putting off the time in the future when the parents will actually have to swallow their anger and hurt feelings, move on and get along for the benefit of their children.  At some point, the children, being forced into this parent-focused structure, will resent it and perhaps resent it a lot and rebel. This lifestyle is a dressed-up version of the Disneyland parent, disguised as a child-friendly structure, which it often is not.  Do the parents ever intend to participate together to plan a wedding? How about the children going to college?  Do the parents ever intend to discuss where their children will go to school, if and when cars will be purchased, trips abroad for study opportunities, etc.?  Will the parents ever have to sit down to discuss their child’s emotional and social development, especially when there are problems?  And if so, will they do it without finger-pointing, blaming the other parent?   It is inevitable that the parents will have to become grownups if they are going to truly make their children comfortable, conflict free, and well-adjusted as adults.  It is inevitable that at some point, the parallel worlds will have to converge to some extent. The fantasy that one can parent children while completely insulated from the other parent is actually not a nice thing, and perpetuates the pre split-up demonization of the other parent (now perhaps unstated overtly, but still running in the background). Here, freezing out the other parent substitutes for the demonization.  Nothing more need be said about the other parent.  Rather here, having set up one’s separate sphere of parenting implies the non-existence of the other parent, and that message is clearly sent to the children.
          Unless the other parent is a danger to the children, is an active alcoholic or substance abuser, is emotionally or physically abusive or truly neglectful to the children, is morally lacking or engages in criminal behavior, then there is no excuse for one parent being quarantined by the other.  It is not for the children’s benefit as much as it is for the parents’ selfish needs. There is no evidence that this is good for children.    
          If a divorced couple continue to hate each other after the divorce (and this also applies to unmarried parents who split up, obviously), unless otherwise contraindicated by a history of domestic violence or other pathological conditions such as substance abuse and alcoholism, etc., then they should seriously consider counseling to enable them to learn to put their history aside and work together at least minimally, for their children’s best interests.  In the event that one individual’s emotional state is such that they are filled with hatred for their former partner, and that person cannot move on and let it go (whatever “it” was), then individual psychotherapy should be considered.  Walking around chronically with anger, hatred of another person, tension or high anxiety over anticipated dealings with that hated person (vis-à-vis an event with the children), then recognizing that this is unhealthy would be a good first step. Hating another person doesn’t hurt the hated person; it cannot be felt by that person.  Rather, it eats away at the insides of the hater.  The anxiety over dealing with someone who hurt another (emotionally) is a problem for the anxious person, not the hurtful person.  I would strongly recommend that someone who suffers these emotions in silence would be well advised to go for assistance to learn better coping methods.  It would feel better to learn to be indifferent to the other person and to be enabled to deal with them in a problem-solving manner for the sake of child-related issues that will come up for the parents. You can be indifferent (emotionless) to another person while continuing a working relationship with that person for some higher purpose.  There is a big difference between having a negative opinion of another (e.g. “that person is selfish and uncaring”), and having your intestines twisted into a knot over any thought of that person. You can have a negative opinion, accepting that the other parent is a flawed individual with whom you would rather not hang out.  You can nevertheless simultaneously communicate civilly and make a plan on behalf of your children with that person. Demonizing and marginalizing the other parent accomplishes nothing, but it hurts the kids.
          Parallel parenting pretends the other parent does not exist. But that is a fallacy in most cases.  That person once worked with you (one way of putting it) to create a child with you.  That person is a necessary, not expendable component of parenting your children and it is good for your children to have both parents working with each other for their benefit if it is at all possible, even if it causes the adults some discomfort. 
Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.
Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016
Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.

Call us to schedule a consultation:  201-801-0455

email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com
Web Site:  www.jdgordonlaw.com
Tweet Me:  @jdgordonlaw; follow me on FaceBook