tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20212385103826390312024-02-06T23:21:33.540-05:00Divorce, Children and Psychology in Family CourtTopics: Divorce, Family Law, Child Custody, Visitation and Parenting Time, Family Court, Psychology, High Conflict Divorce, Child Abuse, Spousal Abuse, Domestic Violence, Substance Abuse in Family Court, Psychological issues, Child Adjustment to Divorce and other Dissolution, Forensic Expert Child Custody issues, Grandparents' rights, Best Interests, Mediation.
Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2012-2016Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-44855856113576485252018-02-09T12:40:00.001-05:002018-02-09T12:40:32.268-05:00<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2021238510382639031" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2021238510382639031" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2021238510382639031" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a><br />
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">BEING
“GASLIGHTED”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">IN FAMILY
COURT<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">© Jonathan
D. Gordon, Esq. 2018<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2021238510382639031" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2021238510382639031" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">In the famous old 1944 movie, “Gaslight”, starring Ingrid Bergman,
her husband tries to make her think she is going insane, or better yet: make
her mental health actually deteriorate, by manipulating the environment in
subtle ways, making the wife question her sanity. He manipulates her sense of
reality, denying her perceptions and falsely points out to her that she must be
imagining things, or that her memory is going or that she is delusional. This movie title became a verb over the
years, as “gaslighting” became a description of manipulative behavior on the
part of a spouse or partner against the other. It is not unusual to see this
manifested in a relationship where one spouse is an abusive sociopath or
narcissist, or both.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">In Family Court, we see attempted gaslighting in a spouse who
creates ambiguity or drama about things such as parenting time scheduling that
were already communicated by email (“I never saw that email, you probably
forgot…”) or text message (“I never received a text from you.”). It could come in the form of blatant lies
about what the other party supposedly said but didn’t, e.g. “You told me I
could drop him off an hour late…”. A sociopath or narcissist (or someone with
both personality disorders) is good at manipulating other people to achieve
their goals. Those goals could be to
hurt the other parent, to harm the other parent’s relationship with the child,
to simply sabotage and weaken them and make them doubt themselves, etc. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">We see gaslighting frequently used by manipulative pedophiles such
as we saw in the recently unveiled facts surrounding the molestation of Olympic
gymnasts by the team doctor. Children are especially vulnerable to
manipulation, and their sense of reality can be bent by a sociopathic sex
offender who attempts to use their position of power (e.g. doctor, clergy,
teacher, family member, etc.) to gratify their own needs. Domestic violence abusers gaslight their
victim by denying they were really violent, or that they really intended to
harm the other, and then by buying the abused spouse flowers or jewelry, etc.
Making the victim doubt their own perceptions, or making them feel sorry for
the abuser (or guilty) can ultimately cause the victim to endure more abuse and
ultimately become depressed with a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, low self
esteem, helplessness and hopelessness. Gaslighting victims of childhood sexual
abuse instills in the child much guilt, anxiety, and self-doubt, especially
when the abuser is an important and otherwise respected person in that child’s
life. This later manifests itself in the child having low self esteem and
feeling unworthy of healthy relationships. Those who have extramarital affairs
or are otherwise disloyal, are notorious for their gaslighting denials,
instillation of guilt in the person being cheated on, and ongoing lying and
manipulation of facts and reality to avoid being caught, telling the spouse
“you are imagining things,…”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">In Court, the gaslighter lies to the Judge, insisting they did not
receive the court notice, did not get served the papers, did not know of the
deadline, had a family emergency, etc. Sometimes the feigned sincerity of the
gaslighter even makes the Judge temporarily unsure of what really is real or
not real. Judges attempt to be fair to
all parties. When the Judge is not 100% certain, he or she will tend to give
the benefit of the doubt to the manipulator, which to that person is another
victory, another time they “got over” on the Court. At some point, the Court will not have any
more of it and will act accordingly, but the gaslighter has been doing this for
a lifetime and is adept at lying, bending reality and manipulating others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">A person, weakened by a gaslighting partner, is most likely
depressed and immersed in self-doubt. A therapist potentially could help that
person to regain a sense of confidence, better reality testing and self-esteem.
That person would do well to keep a diary (electronic with a good password) of
the interactions between them. Keeping a log of all text messages and emails,
provides proof of what was said or not said. There are apps that one can get to
be able to print out text messages. It is also better to do things in writing
with a gaslighter, rather than to rely on verbal conversations which will later
be denied or distorted. That is not to
say that verbal communication should be avoided, but after such a conversation,
it is good to send a confirming email (“this is to confirm today’s conversation
where you agreed to ….”). That way,
there is some documentation that can be used later in court if necessary. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">It is interesting, although bizarre to others, that many people who
have borderline personality disorder, who are also narcissists and/or
sociopaths, actually believe the lies they feed to others. That helps them to
appear more genuine and truthful—even to a Judge. If the person distorts their
own reality to achieve their own needs, and they can rationalize their actions
and minimize the negative qualities of those actions in their own mind, then
they will be able to better convince others of that distortion. That person being convinced of the distorted
reality will pay for it with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt
and repeated voluntary exposure to the psychological and physical abuse they
have been enduring for years. When this
compromised spouse is a parent, they often become incapable of protecting their
child from the abusive parent/spouse, because of the same dynamics. The
victimized spouse/parent sometimes makes excuses for the abuser, rationalizes
the abusive behavior (that they know or suspect is going on), and sometimes
will actually side with the abuser against their child to avoid confrontation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">When a child protective services agency gets a referral to this
family, it is possible that the victimized parent could also be accused of
child neglect or abuse, for allowing the other parent to do so to the child.
Again, it is essential that a person who is being manipulated in a relationship
have someone such as a therapist or trusted clergy or friend to speak to, so
that they may obtain better reality and recommendation for taking necessary
action. Avoiding the confrontation is only avoiding the inevitable, because
somehow this will end up in court or in a police station. When there are children involved, taking
action becomes all the more compelling since it is a parent’s basic duty to
protect their children. Protecting one’s self must take place concurrently so
that the child has someone to lean on, to obtain a basic sense of security and
safety. Without that, the child will be
at grave risk for all kinds of problems in later life. Being gaslighted by the
abusing spouse/parent can be avoided by keeping track of reality, facts,
interactions and agreements, as well as seeking help from a professional or
trusted others. Going to Court with documentation that proves your position and
shows the other party to have been untruthful will strengthen your position.
The more documentation, the better it is for you.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your
experiences.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">This blog
and its contents is the intellectual property of-and are Copyrighted © by: <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jonathan D.
Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2018. All rights reserved.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="color: #2f5496; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">DISCLAIMER:</span></u></b><span style="color: #2f5496; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please note</span></u></b><b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">: Jonathan
D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing
Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ. He is also a Licensed Psychologist
(NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has, in addition to providing general
psychological services, performed forensic child custody evaluations and who
has been appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent Coordinator by
the NJ Superior Court, Family Division. No special skills or, expertise in
either profession is implied by any reference to my being licensed as a
Psychologist as well as being a licensed attorney. The two
professions are distinct and separate, with differing training and education,
and they each have their respective licensing, rules of ethics and codes of
professional responsibility. Contracting with Jonathan Gordon in one
profession precludes ever engaging his services in the other profession due to
conflict of interest. This web site and blog are solely for general
informational and educational purposes and should not be construed otherwise and should also
not be taken as tax advice (for which you must consult a C.P.A.). A
professional relationship is not established with Jonathan D. Gordon until a retainer agreement is
signed for legal services or if a consent for treatment agreement is signed for
psychological services.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please note,
since this blog is for informational purposes only. It is neither legal, tax
nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or
psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific
matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to
assist you. In an emergency, please call 9-1-1 or visit your closest
emergency room.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Call to schedule a consultation or
for further information:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Tweet Me: @jdgordonlaw;
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-45922847336848654862018-01-09T16:38:00.000-05:002018-01-09T16:56:27.594-05:00<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">THE RIGHT OF
FIRST REFUSAL-<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">WHAT IS
THAT?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s200/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" /></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></b><b><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">© Jonathan
D. Gordon, Esq. 2017-2018<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">In devising a divorce or child custody
settlement agreement in which parenting time is set out, there is frequently
reference made to the “right of first refusal” (RFR). Typically, that means that when one parent is
not available to care for the child during their own parenting time, the other
parent must first be contacted and given the option to care for the child
before anyone else (e.g. babysitters, family, etc.). When a parent is faced with that scenario,
however, it is not that difficult to sabotage that provision. For example, with young children who will
probably not understand the schedule requirements, a parent could bypass the other
by having a grandparent or babysitter spend a few hours babysitting, hoping
that the other parent won’t find out.
When the other parent does discover the breach of this provision,
however, typical excuses include:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> -“I
tried to reach you but you didn’t pick up, the voice mail didn’t work, etc.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> -“I
was just going out for an hour and something unexpected delayed me”;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> -“The
child begged to go next door to the neighbor’s for a few hours while I<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> went to work and there was no school that day, etc.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">-“The child begged to go to grandma’s for a few
hours, what’s the harm?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">-“The day care center is an exception to your right
of first refusal; it is like<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> school,
or an extension of me, or part of my parenting style, etc.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">These are but a few examples, and each
family has its own nuances and scenarios. In any event, however, it is probably
easier to violate this provision than to strictly comply with it, especially
when the terms are not carefully spelled out.
To comply with this requirement, good faith communication is essential. This is most difficult when the two parties
cannot communicate, cooperate, co-parent or hide their disdain for the other.
Sometimes the parent with the child feels like they are losing something by
giving the child over to the other parent, even for an afternoon. Heaven forbid
that the other parent should get five minutes extra with the child. It feels
like a defeat. This sounds irrational because it is. But it is common.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">The parent receiving the child may also
be contributing to some of the bad attitude that pervades their
relationship. Being smug, condescending
or acting like they won and the other parent lost, can lead to a subsequent
sabotage of the right of first refusal. In short, what goes around, comes
around, because co-parenting is a reciprocal process that demands civility,
cooperation, fairness and good faith. Without the belief (by both parents) that
they are <u>both</u> essential for the child’s well-being, it is easy to
marginalize, exclude, demean or sabotage the other parent’s time with the
child, or that parent’s relationship with the child altogether.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">In drafting a child custody or parenting
time agreement, a right of first refusal clause may have a better chance of
actually working if the conditions are set forth in such a way as to make it
easier to comply with. For example, the right of first refusal could kick in
only if a parent is unavailable for an entire day (e.g. more than 8 hours), or
for a day that involves an overnight. So,
if one parent has to go on a business trip overnight, rather than to have the
child stay at Grandma’s, the child would stay at the other parent’s residence
if that parent opted-in for that night.
Not being available on a daily basis due to one of the parents working,
could be addressed either by the other (if non-working) parent having the
option to care for the child under this provision, or by both parents agreeing
to use day care. If the child is in day care, however, and is quite young, an
agreement should spell out the rights of the other parent (who does not have
parenting time that day) to take the child out of the day care (e.g. to go
shopping or to the doctor, to the beach, etc., with that child). Again, it is
possible that the working parent who is unavailable would rather have the child
in day care than to be with the other parent (who would benefit [to the chagrin
of the non-benefitting parent who feels like they lost something]). The issue
can be specified in much detail in the agreement to minimize ambiguity and to
clearly define the parameters of the right of first refusal, among numerous
other things. It does work both ways and it helps to clearly define the terms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Situations such as those described above
are a few examples of how some parents (not all) put their own emotional needs
above those of their children, and throw fairness, good faith, cooperation,
co-parenting, etc. out of the window. Residual hatred, anger, and resentment can
distort a person’s judgment and drive that person’s decision-making. This
negativity contributes to the narcissistic tunnel vision that fuels Family
Court litigation. It precludes reasonable, flexible, good-faith co-parenting,
it causes anxiety and other behavioral problems in children, and costs tons of
money in legal bills. In drafting a parenting time agreement, all of this
should be taken into account, realistically anticipated to the extent possible,
so as to minimize ambiguity and the confusion and anger that can ensue later on
after the agreement is signed and in force.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">The right of first refusal recognizes
that in child care, both parents (if fit and capable) should take priority over
all others. It requires the two parents to deal with each other cooperatively,
flexibly, civilly and in good faith for the best interests of their child. This presents for some, a crucial challenge
for those who could not cooperate or be civil to each other when they were
previously living together. But here,
the stakes are great, it is not about them, and their emotional needs should
take a back seat to the best interests of their child. It is possible (and
necessary) to compartmentalize one’s feelings in this regard, to cubby-hole the
resentment and anger and keep them separate from the reality that the child
needs two parents.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your
experiences.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">This blog
and its contents is the intellectual property of-and are Copyrighted © by: <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jonathan D.
Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017-2018. All rights reserved.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="color: #2f5496; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">DISCLAIMER:</span></u></b><span style="color: #2f5496; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please note</span></u></b><b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">: Jonathan
D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing
Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ. He is also a Licensed Psychologist
(NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has, in addition to providing general
psychological services, performed forensic child custody evaluations and who
has been appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent Coordinator by
the NJ Superior Court, Family Division. No special skills or, expertise in
either profession is implied by any reference to my being licensed as a
Psychologist as well as being a licensed attorney. The two
professions are distinct and separate, with differing training and education,
and they each have their respective licensing, rules of ethics and codes of
professional responsibility. Contracting with Jonathan Gordon in one
profession precludes ever engaging his services in the other profession due to
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informational purposes and should not be construed otherwise and should also
not be taken as tax advice (for which you must consult a C.P.A.). A
professional relationship is not established until a retainer agreement is
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psychological services.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please note,
since this blog is for informational purposes only. It is neither legal, tax
nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or
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matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to
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emergency room.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Call to schedule a consultation or
for further information:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">201-801-0455</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Tweet Me: @jdgordonlaw;
follow me on FaceBook</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-75846556019925122162017-12-27T15:52:00.003-05:002017-12-27T15:52:25.999-05:00<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">USING COMMON
SENSE, OR NOT THROWING CAUTION TO THE WINDS IN PLANNING YOUR DIVORCE.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s200/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" /></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p> </span></b><b style="font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jonathan D.
Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">© Jonathan
D. Gordon, Esq. 2017<o:p></o:p>-2018<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 1.5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">So, you may be certain that you are going
to initiate a divorce after the holidays are over. In fact, you may have already secretly
consulted with an attorney or did some preliminary research about the
process. Assuming you are not in an
emergency situation, there are some common-sense guidelines that you should become
aware of if you are not already thinking about them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">It is hard to imagine that someone with
whom you have shared a bed, perhaps had children with, and spent years with,
could become your enemy overnight.
Despite the fact that you may have grown apart over time, engaged in
mutual avoidance or bickering, or worse, your identity is still wrapped up in
living with this other person (i.e. “The Devil you know”). You may have assumptions about how you both <i>should</i> comport yourselves with each
other. Perhaps you assume certain ironclad, inviolable tenets of privacy, decency
and rules of fair play with your partner.
If you assume, however, that any of this will necessarily apply once you
announce your plan to divorce or leave, etc., then you are being naïve and
setting yourself up for harm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Actually, in many cases, the other party
may react badly, emotionally or even violently. That violence may be physical
against you, or against property—your property.
If there is violence or threat of violence, or harassment against you,
then you have a cause of action for domestic violence and may obtain a
restraining order. A call to the police if needed, will immediately stop the
threat (at least for the time being with a temporary restraining order (TRO),
until things can be sorted out in court). Otherwise, you can file a complaint for
domestic violence in the Superior Court of New Jersey. In other cases, however,
there may be a more passive-aggressive response by the “jilted” party. This is
where your pre-planning comes in. Things
you <u>can</u> reasonably do:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">▪ Get a post office box, open up your own checking
account;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 27.0pt; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">▪ Make a list of your personal belongings, property,
bank accounts, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">▪ Find a safe place out of the house in which to
keep your:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 1.5in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Diplomas, certificates, passport,
engagement ring or other personal jewelry, watches, expensive shoes, birth certificate,
naturalization or citizenship papers, transcripts, your personal bank
statements, will, attorney’s business card, photos, laptop, etc. You may want
to park that precious antique motorcycle or your stamp collection elsewhere. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">If you get a new personal safe deposit
box at a bank, you will have to divulge to the Court the location and contents
of this box. You should not put marital
funds or your spouse’s property in such a box. You may want to photograph what you
are placing in the safe and bring a reliable, credible witness with you. At
some point, this box may become frozen by the Court (upon your spouse’s motion)
and you may then gain access only under supervision (e.g. your attorney and
spouse’s attorney at the bank). Just keep that in mind. Also, <u>some</u> examples of the things you <u>may
not</u> do to plan your divorce:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">▪ Cancel or change any insurance (health, life, auto,
homeowners,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">etc.). You will have to certify to the Court that you
did not do<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">this for a 90-day period prior to the filing of the
divorce<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">complaint. But if you maliciously wait 95 days, the
Judge can<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">still do what he/she believes is equitable and fair for
the other<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">party or your children who may have been severely<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">compromised by your actions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">▪ Cancel or change phone service (e.g. your spouse’s
cell phone, or<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Internet, cable, etc.; stop paying utilities,
landscaping, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">▪ Move marital money around, empty bank accounts, hide
funds,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">transfer property or money from your name to that of
others; <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">▪
Change the marital status quo or do anything shady, sketchy,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">underhanded, clandestine or harmful to the other
party. The<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Court will find out about it and make you restore
the status <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">quo and it makes you look bad to the Judge. You don’t
need<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">that. Good faith and acting fairly to the other
party is important. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> Anything,
however, can be agreed-upon between you and your spouse, provided you fully
disclose to each other in good faith and draft some sort of written agreement that
may be needed in Court later. For example, you and your spouse may agree to
change the auto insurance, or change the cell phone account (to become two
separate ones). You may agree to evenly divide all of your cash (checking and
savings accounts). As long as you fully
divulge to each other and memorialize your agreement in a written document
(notarized is best), then later you will not be criticized for wrongfully
taking money from a joint account. I
would suggest, however, that before you make any agreements between yourselves,
that you consult with a family law attorney. You may end up waiving something
to which you would have been entitled, if you are not properly advised or
cautious. Don’t be so quick to waive
alimony (if you might be qualified to receive it) or child support (which
legally you cannot waive anyway). Saying
“I just want this over with” and acting impulsively can cause you more grief and
regret later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> Being
open with nothing to hide is the best way to go. For example, if you had a
joint checking account that had $40,000 in it, and you took $30,000 out, you
will need to disclose this and pay back your spouse’s portion (the other
$10,000 if ultimately it would have been an equal split). Your spouse’s car,
even if titled in your name, remains your spouse’s car until the Court (or your
spouse) says otherwise. Status quo must be maintained to the extent possible.
You may be angry and full of hate for your spouse, but malicious behavior is
not tolerated by the Court. You could end up paying your spouse’s legal fees if
so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> Having
said all of this, with good faith and fairness notwithstanding, you may incur
the wrath of hell from your spouse when it is clear that you are seeking a
divorce or separating. Keep in mind that
all of your phone calls with your spouse may be recorded, your in-person
conversations with your spouse may also be (audio or video) recorded, all of
your texts and emails will be printed out and archived to use against you
later, your Facebook and other social media posts will be studied and printed
out to use against you later, your desktop computer or laptop that you leave
around the house, will be perused, and so on. It is not unheard of for a spouse
to hire a computer technician to make a copy of your hard drive when you are at
work. Whatever you already posted on social media cannot be legally removed (destroying
potential evidence), but you can exercise good judgment going forward by not
posting anything incriminating (any more). You can change all of your personal passwords
for your cell phone, your desktop (if not jointly marital) and laptop. You
cannot block your spouse from accessing a joint account. But you can ask the
court to freeze your account to prevent it from being dissipated, pending final
resolution of the financial issues in your divorce.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> Please
do not talk about your divorce/separation with your children; don’t involve
them; try to protect them as best you can, depending on their age and awareness.
Do not fight with your spouse in front of the children, or say derogatory
things about your spouse within ear-shot of a child. Don’t confide in your
child as if your child is your confidante or worse: your therapist. Children
are harmed by this reversal of roles. It is not their job to console a parent.
It is hard enough for a child to get through this and to manage their own
feelings. Managing a parent’s feelings as well, is too much to expect from a child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> In
short, it is best to use common sense to proceed with a divorce. Since this may
be unfamiliar territory for you, and it is confusing, it would be best to
consult an attorney who practices Family Law in your state. Not only can you obtain legal advice, but you
can get common sense and realistic feedback from your attorney as to the best
strategies and ethical methods under which you may safely proceed.</span><span style="color: #2f5597; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent1; mso-themecolor: accent1; mso-themeshade: 191;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your
experiences.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">This blog
and its contents is the intellectual property of-and are Copyrighted © by: <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jonathan D.
Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017-2018. All rights reserved.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 24.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><u><span style="color: #2f5597; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent1; mso-themecolor: accent1; mso-themeshade: 191;">DISCLAIMER:</span></u></b><span style="color: #2f5597; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #2F5597; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent1; mso-themecolor: accent1; mso-themeshade: 191;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<b><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please note</span></u></b><b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">: Jonathan
D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing
Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ. He is also a Licensed Psychologist
(NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has, in addition to providing general psychological
services, performed forensic child custody evaluations and who has been
appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent Coordinator by the NJ
Superior Court, Family Division. No special skills or, expertise in either
profession is implied by any reference to my being licensed as a Psychologist
as well as being a licensed attorney. The two professions are
distinct and separate, with differing training and education, and they each
have their respective licensing, rules of ethics and codes of professional responsibility.
Contracting with Jonathan Gordon in one profession precludes ever engaging his
services in the other profession due to conflict of interest. This web site and
blog are solely for general informational purposes and should not be construed
otherwise and should also not be taken as tax advice (for which you must
consult a C.P.A.). A professional relationship is not established until a
retainer agreement is signed or if a consent for treatment agreement is signed
for psychological services.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please note,
since this blog is for informational purposes only. It is neither legal, tax
nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or
psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific
matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to
assist you.<o:p></o:p> In an
emergency, please call 9-1-1 or visit your closest emergency room.</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 21.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Call to schedule a consultation or
for further information:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 21.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">201-801-0455</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 21.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 13.5pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Web Sites: </span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 13.5pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://www.jdgordonlaw.com/" style="color: #888888; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #888888;">www.jdgordonlaw.com</span></a></span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">www.jdgordonpsych.com</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 13.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<o:p></o:p><o:p></o:p><o:p></o:p><o:p></o:p><b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Tweet
Me: @jdgordonlaw; follow me on FaceBook</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-49830252172549049822017-11-30T16:21:00.002-05:002017-11-30T16:21:46.173-05:00<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">SEARCHING FOR THE</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">BLISSFUL DIVORCE</span></i></b><b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">OR, FOR <i>JUSTICE</i> IN FAMILY
COURT?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">DO THEY EXIST AT ALL?<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s200/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" /></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
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<div align="center" style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> </span></b><b style="font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jonathan D.
Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> </span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Is there such a thing as a “blissful divorce”? It may
sound like an oxymoron, but in some rare instances it has been known to happen.
For example, I know of a couple who went out for ice cream together when they
left court, having just gotten divorced.
Just as rare is the concept of justice in Family Court since the issues
are not so well-defined, nor is it always clear who did what to whom. The concept of justice is usually more applicable
in Criminal Court or perhaps in the Law Division where people sue others for
negligence or breach of contract, for example. A thief who goes to jail
received justice. A victim of a tortfeasor
(someone who caused an injury or loss to another for which money damages can be
recovered) can receive justice in court with a money award to assuage their
pain and suffering or to restore the previous status quo that existed prior to
the loss. But in family court? What is justice and is it applicable?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> Often, a client in a divorce or
child custody battle (to name a couple examples), thinks that if only the Judge
could hear their story, it would be “all over” for their adversary (e.g. spouse
or other parent of their child), that the Judge would be mortified, angry and
punish the other party. That is rare,
however. The issues in Family Court are
typically littered with “he-said, she said” allegations, mud-slinging, character
assassination, demonization and just plain lies. Simply going before a Judge with a litany of
allegations does nothing definitive for that client’s case. There will be counter-allegations and
predictable reciprocity in the mud-slinging department. The Judge often has no idea where the truth
lies, at least in the beginning since there is so much being alleged by the
respective lawyers. Typically, these
allegations are verbalized in Court by an attorney. The client has little opportunity to speak
directly to the Court, except with permission if an attorney is representing
them. And it is usually a bad idea for the client to speak without preparation,
without the attorney’s blessing, on an impromptu basis. Things are blurted out,
and it often makes things worse. A client should make sure their attorney is on
the same page as them, has a passion for the arguments the client wants to be
made, and is able to adequately verbalize those arguments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> Allegations of child abuse or
neglect need thorough investigation by the child protective service (CPS) of
that State. In New Jersey it is called DCP&P (formerly DYFS). False
allegations of abuse or neglect against the other parent is an evil thing to do
to that parent and to the child. That can be considered emotional abuse or attempted
parental alienation. Real allegations
and serious concerns of abuse or neglect, however, should be immediately
reported and investigated. The state agency will do its work and report to the
Court. The Judge will make further determinations when the information is
provided to the Court in due course. That information may include written
reports generated from mandatory mental health evaluations and substance abuse
assessments. It is a slow process but
necessary. Who gets justice here? In
this scenario, we are talking about protection, health, parenting. Not justice.
The best interests of the child are paramount.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> An angry party, for whatever reason
(e.g. infidelity, rejection, financial losses, etc.) can rarely think objectively. The other person is vilified and there is
nothing that other person can do right in the eyes of the angry person. That other party is portrayed as having no
redeeming qualities, whether as a person or as a parent. The other person is portrayed as being
horrible, a sub-human, or piece of garbage in the eyes of the angry one. Being
angry is rarely constructive if it is excessive or chronic. It is actually self-defeating. A chronically or extremely angry person
litigating in Family Court often makes things worse. It causes the Judge to take notice of the
demeanor of the angry one, and to eventually realize that the allegations are very
often false, simply malicious lies being told to the Court. That makes a Judge angry. Judges don’t like
being lied to, especially when it effects children and their relationship with
either parent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2021238510382639031" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> Honestly, the Judge does not care
much about the personal hurts that the parties carry around with them. The
Court cannot afford to be distracted by the back-and-forth allegations by the
parties, especially when the best interests of children are at stake. The Judge
is interested in facts with proof, and then the court applies the facts—once they
are ascertained—to the Law. Family Court
Judges also have discretion to do what they think is in the best interests of
the children, even temporarily, while the facts are being gathered. Looking for
justice in Family Court, is a rigid, perhaps moralistic expectation that a person
may harbor, expecting “justice” to essentially be punishment of their ex or of the
other parent. In essence, getting justice is akin to getting even, if
conceptualized this way by the angry party. The
Judge does not share your anger or sense of outrage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Sadly, as we all know, life is not fair. Sometimes people get away
with bad behavior. More often than not,
the court will prefer to focus on the present than on the past. Your spouse may
have been terrible as a spouse, and hurt you and your life in many painful ways.
But that is usually why you are getting divorced. Your spouse may have been inattentive,
insensitive, selfish, narcissistic, hurtful, insulting, terrible in bed, and
had numerous affairs. The Court will not take any of that into consideration
unless there was domestic violence, child abuse, or purposeful dissipation of
marital assets (for example). The divorce process is a business deal, dividing
up marital assets, determining custody, parenting time schedules, alimony and
child support. Expecting the court to
come down hard on the opposing party because of what you suffered, is
unrealistic and expensive. But the court
will come down hard on the other party or on you if your child suffers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">It is most important to have a realistic view as to what you are
going to court for, what you hope to accomplish, and if they are reasonable
goals to have. Attorneys should discuss these issues with you and go through
all of the possible scenarios, options, strategies and probabilities of success,
costs, etc. Communication with your
attorney is crucial, and it is important for the client to keep an open mind in
the event that some goals (to give the ex a good beating in court, take them to
the cleaners, get sole custody, etc.) are unattainable, unrealistic or self-defeating.
The court will always ask itself, “Is it good for the kids?” before making a
decision. What you may fantasize about (a “home run” in court) achieving may not
be in your children’s best interests and you may not realize it because of the
pain and anger you may be experiencing (which clouds judgment). Sometimes a client gets counseling to help
get support for what they are going through emotionally. It can help in making better decisions, establishing
realistic goals, reducing self-defeating anger, guilt, worry, depression, etc.,
and making the Family Court experience less acrimonious and perhaps, maybe even
“blissful”. Getting through the Family Court
cooperatively and civilly with your ex, with lower attorney bills and more
money in your pocket, can truly be blissful. But you won’t know unless you
try. And yes, it takes two. Sometimes
you have no choice but to fight it out in court. But you can at least be the one who goes through
the process showing good faith, communicating civilly and respectfully, being cooperative
and fair to the other party. You can’t
control the other person, but you potentially have control over your part of
the process. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">This blog and the term, “<i>Blissful divorce</i>” are the intellectual
property of-and are Copyrighted © by: Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017.
All rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please note:
Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY,
representing Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ. He is also a Licensed
Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has, in addition to providing
general psychological services, performed forensic child custody evaluations
and who has been appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent
Coordinator by the NJ Superior Court, Family Division. No special skills or,
expertise in either profession is implied by any reference to my being licensed
as a Psychologist as well as being a licensed attorney. The
two professions are distinct and separate, with differing training and education,
and they each have their respective licensing, rules of ethics and codes of professional
responsibility. Contracting with
Jonathan Gordon in one profession precludes engaging his services in the other
profession due to conflict of interest. This web site and blog are solely for
general informational purposes and should not be construed otherwise. A professional
relationship is not established until a retainer agreement is signed or if a
consent for treatment agreement is signed for psychological services. </span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please note, since this blog is for information purposes only. It
is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an
attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question
about a specific matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental
health expert to assist you.<o:p></o:p>
In an emergency, please call 9-1-1 or visit your closest emergency room.</span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-49656498985627018542017-09-11T16:44:00.000-04:002017-09-11T16:44:04.195-04:00<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 18.6667px;"><b>LYING IN FAMILY COURT:</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 18.6667px;"><b>"SPIN"? OR BAD BEHAVIOR?</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><img height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s200/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098) 1px 1px 5px; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; padding: 5px;" width="158" /></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"> </span></b><b style="font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><u><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-align: -webkit-center;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"> </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"> We who represent clients in Family Court, often hear false allegations or lies presented. Those lies can usually be refuted by evidence to the contrary, or perhaps by the failure to support the lie with evidence (because it's a lie). Unfortunately, in Family Court, character assassination and unproven allegations can also be used to sway a judge, casting doubt on a parent's ability to safely parent a child. This is when bad behavior can be unwittingly rewarded. Family Law attorneys sometimes reflect that they are so used to lying in court, that it is almost expected. The concept of perjury, as it is experienced in criminal court or in civil litigation, does not seem to have the same taboo when it takes place in Family Law. Why is this tolerated?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"> One reason why lying is so ubiquitous in Family Court, is because it is difficult to ascertain what is a lie. Saying that someone is a bad parent, or an uncaring parent is a value judgment, a perception, which is not necessarily a conscious lie. Both parents in a custody battle may exchange mutual accusations that the other is a lousy parent. Perhaps they are both wrong, but being angry, bitter or vindictive, they want to destroy the other with their destructive allegations (while not taking their child's best interests into consideration).</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> It is upsetting, however, when we see a vindictive parent purposely making up falsehoods to present in Court, to accomplish their destructive goals. Unfortunately, a Judge often cannot initially determine who is accurate and who is not. That is why in Family Court, Judges often rely on expert testimony from a hopefully objective professional who may delve deeper into what is really happening to this family and what is in the best interests of the child. But an expert is not a prophet or a mind reader either. We find that when the same lie is repeated again and again, and it appears in court documents (e.g. client's certifications) year after year, well-it starts to look like it might be true. In fact, the creator of the lie might actually believe it him/herself because of the intensity of their feelings. Judges get frustrated, experts may sit on the fence (because the expert isn't sure), and the same lie is bandied around in a compelling way, implying that something has to be done about it quickly (the way the party who lies makes it sound). As a result, at times, a non-drug abusing parent is sent for a substance abuse evaluation, has to have parenting time supervised, has to have parenting time limited, has to attend an anger management or parenting skills class, has to have a psychological or psychiatric evaluation, etc. These are the exceptions rather than the rule, but they occur more frequently than you would expect. At the most extreme, a judge might suddenly change residential custody in court, without a hearing, just based on the allegations of parental alienation from the other parent. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> Unfortunately, a parent might provide ammunition to the other parent (who is making the allegations) in a moment of anger, saying inappropriate things to a child or even directly to the other parent. I have previously discussed in this blog that at a time when someone else is trying to pounce on any imperfection, it is best to be careful what is said, how behavior is manifested, and how compliance with court orders takes place. The other party should be assumed to be recording (audio and video) everything that is said, having a private investigator following you around, or soliciting sworn certifications from neighbors, relatives and caregivers to use against you in court. While repugnant to most judges, and while hardly ever used in court, surreptitious recordings of children may exist. Better to be watching one's "P's and Q's" during litigation to minimize this kind of unfair (and unnecessary) scrutiny. When an adversary shows up in court with a handful of sworn certifications, or better yet--with your unfortunate text message to back up the "lie", that may be all that is needed to destroy your credibility with the judge. And if your credibility is harmed, then the credibility of the lie is enhanced. In other words, you cannot afford to "lose it" even once in this setting or atmosphere. When you are being evaluated, watched, measured or tested (by being provoked), then anything that happens can be used in court if it seems relevant. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> While attorneys for the most part are ethical, sincere and hard working professionals who are trying to properly represent their clients, there are a handful who have no qualms about twisting the truth in order to prevail in court. While rare, it is sad to see that happen, and truth-twisting does happen. Whether a judge will see that as "lying" <i>per se</i>, or just a case of zealously representing a client, depends on the judge, that lawyer, and on the circumstances. But I have heard judges tell clients at the onset of a case, that if the judge is lied to once, that the client is "done", when it comes to credibility. And every attorney knows that it takes a long time for an attorney, with a good track record, to establish a good reputation with a Judge, but all it takes is one slip-up with the truth to destroy their credibility. It still amazes me why any attorney would knowingly lie to a judge. It is simply not worth it, and it is wrong on so many levels. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> Lying to destroy the other party is fairly well known in Family Court, and is not tolerated if it is identified as such. Unfortunately, parents who do this with malice, are not considering the effects of their behavior on their children who need both parents (assuming the other parent is not abusive or substance-addicted). Wrongfully hurting the other parent's access to the child with unfounded lies and innuendo, as well as with <u>false</u> allegations of domestic violence or sexual abuse, is akin to child abuse in some situations, since it causes damage to the child by distancing the child from an otherwise loving and safe parent. This malicious behavior by an angry or hurt (rejected) parent is the height of narcissism and selfishly places their own needs before those of their child. Hopefully the Family Court judge can quickly identify and discern what is factual from what is false, and get the family on the right track. Better yet, if an angry parent is thinking about destroying the other parent, it would be good to rethink that intention, perhaps get counseling to deal with the underlying issues, and to openly discuss their concerns for their children and for themselves with an experienced family law attorney who will almost always provide a realistic path for the client, upon which to proceed ethically and morally during this difficult time. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">----------------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017</span></b><br /><b><span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ . He is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations and who has been appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent Coordinator by the NJ Superior Court, Family Division.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></b><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Call to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455</span></b><b><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-83438296070266422092017-08-17T15:16:00.003-04:002017-08-17T15:16:58.049-04:00<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">PREVAILS IN RELOCATION
CASES<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><img height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s200/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" style="background-color: white; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098) 1px 1px 5px; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; padding: 5px;" width="158" /></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></b><b style="font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-align: -webkit-center;"><u><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b></span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-align: -webkit-center;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Interestingly, when a
divorced parent wanted to relocate outside of New Jersey (referred to as “removal”
in Court), and the other parent did not consent, the previous standards used to
favor the parent seeking to move. Without going into great detail about the factors
that a Court would use to determine if the removal of the child would be allowed,
the NJ Supreme Court just overturned the previous standard in favor of an
analysis of the best interests of the child.
Previously, if a custodial parent wanted to move, that parent would have
to show “cause” for the proposed move by showing “a <i>real advantage</i> to that parent” by moving as well as showing that
the sought-after move would not be “inimical to the best interests of the child”.
(<u>Cooper v. Cooper</u>, 99 N.J. 42 (1984). In the subsequent <u>Holder v.
Polanski</u>, 111 N.J. 344 (1988) case, the parent requesting the removal who had
primary residential custody of the child, simply needed to show “a <i>good faith</i> reason” and that the move
would not be “inimical” to the best interests of the child. Subsequently with parents who shared custody,
that application for removal would be treated as a matter of changed
circumstances with a request for a custody change, based on a best interests
analysis. (<u>Baures v. Lewis</u>, 167 N.J. 91 (2001)). All that was needed
under Baures for a successful application, was for the parent to have primary
residential custody, show a good faith reason for the move, present a parenting
plan for the child to continue to see the noncustodial parent, and show that
the move would not be inimical to the child’s best interests. There, the belief
was that a happy parent would benefit the child as well. The N.J. Supreme Court just reversed itself
with the new case, <u>Bisbing v. Bisbing</u> which was decided on August 8,
2017 (A-2 077533).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Under previous NJ
Law, it used to matter who was designated Primary Parent of Residence (PPR) because
the Court would be inclined to allow the move if requested by the PPR, if a
showing of good faith was made and the move was not “inimical” to the best
interest of the child (given an adequate parenting plan, usually involving a
few weeks in the Summer plus holidays, etc.).
Now under the new decision, it does not seem to matter who is
residential custodial parent (PPR) or who is the Parent of Alternate Residence
(PAR) as long as the PAR has some reasonable involvement in the child’s life
and there is joint legal custody. That includes the usual PAR schedule of
alternating weekends and a mid-week dinner time and alternating holidays. It does seem to matter, however, if one
parent has sole <u>legal</u> custody and a court will have to analyze the
circumstances underlying that arrangement and see what is in the child’s best
interests. For example, it is possible (although much less frequently found)
that a parent having no legal custody at all, still has parenting time, is very
involved in the child’s life, etc. Then the court would have make an individual
determination in that rare and unlikely fact pattern.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Now that the Supreme Court of New Jersey changed course, there are
many new factors to consider. What is
“best interests of the child” and how is it measured? Is it quantifiable and scientifically derived
from some accepted methodology? Actually, “best interests” is a court
determination. Otherwise it may be an opinion of a forensic evaluator which can
be disputed by the opinion of another forensic evaluator. Ultimately the Judge must decide if the move
is in the child’s best interests or not. The benefit to the parent seeking to
move is no longer a factor. New Jersey
Statute (N.J.S.A. 9:2-4) lists a number of factors that a judge must consider
in determining best interests and custody.
These include, but are not limited to: The parents’ ability to agree,
communicate and cooperate, any history of withholding or obstructing parenting
time from the other (not due to abuse), safety of the child, the child’s
preferences “when of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an
intelligent decision”, the degree of cooperation in co-parenting, history of
domestic violence, the distance the parents live from each other now, the
number and age of siblings, the interaction and relationship of the child with
the parents and siblings, stability of the home environment, quality of
parenting time spent with the child after separation, parent’s employment
responsibilities, and any other factor deemed appropriate by the Judge. No longer is equal shared parenting time
required to have a quality relationship between parent and child—even for the
parent of alternate residence. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">It is hard to say how this will change current and future court
applications for relocation by a parent who wants to move with the child. Some judges may insist upon a forensic best
interests evaluation:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> To conduct a best
interests analysis, a forensic evaluator (could be for example, a Psychologist,
Social Worker or Psychiatrist) would need to evaluate the child(ren) in
question, both parents, relevant extended family members (e.g. grandparents,
siblings, etc.), and collateral contacts.
What are collateral contacts (also known as collaterals)? They are usually people who may be caregivers
(e.g. babysitters, physicians, dentists), or teachers and school personnel,
coaches, dance/gymnastics instructors, etc. Usually each parent will submit
their own list of whom they think will be important for the evaluator to
interview. These interviews may be in person or on the phone. In some cases, the evaluator may do a
classroom observation or a home inspection. At times, when one parent makes an
allegation about the other, the evaluator may go back to the other parent and
discuss it to hear their side of the story. The gathering of all of the
information should be thorough, fair and balanced for objectivity. Usually,
there are two sides of the story.
Sometimes, however, there is an imbalance that is created by information
provided by a parent or information derived from the child(ren) or others. A best interests evaluation can be via a
court-appointed expert, a joint expert (agreed-upon by both parties), or two
privately-retained experts, or a combination of the above. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Things to be aware
of: For a parent seeking relocation with
a child, and in anticipation of the required court process, the following
guidelines should be followed:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Do not lie,
embellish, make up fictional allegations, purposely omit important facts. It is better to focus on your relationship
with the child, your concerns for your child’s health, education and general
welfare, the bond you have with the child, any special circumstances that may
steer the court in a certain direction. Regardless
of whether you are the parent seeking to relocate, or the parent who objects to
the relocation, it is not helpful to your case to demonize the other parent. Unless
there is a documented history of domestic violence, child abuse, or substance
abuse, or some factual history that is noteworthy for its importance and relevance
to the “best interest of the child”, it is probably not going to help you to sling
mud and insults at the other parent. It may have the opposite effect on the
perceptions of the evaluator, especially when your child actually has a
relationship with that parent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> I have written
previously in this Blog that angry emotions stemming from feelings of abandonment
and rejection (among other issues), often fuel Family Court litigation. It also
sometimes fuels vengeful feelings against the other parent. Making up fictional
allegations, minimizing (to the evaluator) the other parent’s involvement in
the child’s life, exaggerating innocuous incidents (as if they really mean
something significant against the other parent), and generally letting your
anger spill over into the interviews—will all work against you. It will make
you look like a malicious, vindictive person who is not operating in good
faith, but who just wants to destroy the other parent or to marginalize their
involvement in the child’s life. In other words, you can destroy your own
credibility with the evaluator (and with the Judge) by not being completely
honest and forthright, and by being unfair to the child and to the child’s
other parent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Let’s say that you really want to move out of the State and maybe
you have a great reason to do so (employment opportunity, marriage, etc.), that
is formulated in good faith, and is not stemming from your hatred of the other
parent. Under the new <u>Bisbing</u>
ruling, that might not be good enough.
Even being PPR and having spent more time than the other parent with
this child may not be good enough. Under
<u>N.J.S.A.</u> 9:2-2, if a parent wants to relocate with the child against the
wishes of the other parent, that child may not be removed from the State “unless
the court <i>upon cause shown</i>, shall
otherwise order”. (Emphasis added). “Cause”,
as now defined by <u>Bisbing</u> is determined by a best interests analysis
with the court considering all of the relevant factors enumerated in <u>N.J.S.A.</u>
9:2-4(c). See above for examples. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">It is fairly clear that in most cases, a parent seeking relocation
against the wishes of the other parent will have to go to trial after this
evaluation (or evaluations) are completed.
The expert(s) will testify on the contents of their findings, will be
cross-examined and there will be testimony from the parents, relevant
collateral contacts, other witnesses,
and finally the Court will make its determination. For couples going through divorce, and who
anticipate that they may make a relocation request in the future, they may now
be motivated to attempt to get sole (legal) custody of their child(ren) to make
it easier for themselves later (because it is easier to get court approval to
move if you have sole custody). Unfortunately, that will result in many more
divorce trials if parents battle for sole legal custody then, rather than to have a legal disadvantage (if they are planning to relocate) later on. But, the presumption in New Jersey, as stated
by the Legislature in <u>N.J.S.A.</u> 9:2-4, is that it is in the public policy
of this state for parents to equally share their obligations, rights and custody
of their children unless the court in custody proceedings makes another
determination with the best interests of their child as the primary consideration.
The bottom line message seems to be that children need both parents, even if the
parents did not fare very well as spouses or partners with each other. If you have to go through an evaluation, try not to sling too much mud, because mud tends to get you dirty as well.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ . He is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations and who has been appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent Coordinator by the NJ Superior Court, Family Division.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Call to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455</span></b><b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="http://www.jdgordonlaw.com/" style="text-decoration-line: none;">www.jdgordonlaw.com</a></span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-63856382301134246752017-07-25T15:20:00.005-04:002017-07-25T15:20:42.824-04:00<h2 style="line-height: 48px; text-align: center;">
<u style="color: blue; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">SHEDDING YOUR SKIN IN FAMILY COURT?</u></h2>
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<img height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s200/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" style="background-color: white; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098) 1px 1px 5px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; padding: 5px;" width="158" /></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><b style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><u><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> When a relationship
dissolves, one would logically want to disassociate from the old partner, never
see him/her again, walk away and never look back, etc., assuming fairly healthy
thinking. But it’s not that easy in
Family Court cases that involved children or even with long term alimony issues. Often, the relationship is truly “till death
do us part” by its very nature. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Having children with a partner just
about guarantees that you will be tied to the other parent at least until the
child is an adult, but it usually goes beyond that, into grandparent-hood. As I
have stated in this space before, it is virtually impossible to surgically
dissect away a former spouse when you have a child. While you might be able to
plan separate birthday parties and vacations, you will not be able to plan
separate weddings, Communions, Bar and Bat Mitzvas, college graduations, and
births of your grandchildren, etc. While
it is difficult to think that far ahead when your child of divorce is eight
years old, you might want to keep your interactions with your estranged or ex-
partner on a civil and cooperative playing field because before you know it,
your child will be 18, then 28, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Sometimes there is no escaping
someone even when they live elsewhere, and you feel haunted and stalked by your own social media. For example, after a divorce or other break-up, you will be
tormented by regular reminders of “this day in history”, for example, where you
will be involuntarily subjected to photos of formerly loving moments you
had with someone you would rather not
see. Going through your Google photos or
your phone gallery of pictures will yield, sometimes thousands of photos of
your ex and you, during happier times. Also, your child will not let you forget about your ex. How do you deal with this now in a healthy manner?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Sometimes it is better to take a
step back, breathe, forgive, and accept certain realities, as touched upon above. The
photos and social media example is only one facet of the bigger picture. If you can speak civilly with your ex, it is
best for you both to agree to keep it civil and cooperative for the sake of
your children. You cannot obliterate your ex’s existence. There is no way to do that legally, it is not
realistic and it is not healthy for your child. Despite your hurt, your sense
of betrayal, your anger, this person is someone who you once loved and with
whom you created a child. Is it good for
you and your child, now that the relationship ended, to retain anger, hurt and
sense of betrayal? That only hurts you because you are the one who feels lousy
inside. It is also not good for your pocketbook either, since anger fuels needless
litigation in many instances.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">As I have also said
previously in this space, it is good for your child (with a few specific
exceptions related to criminal behavior, substance abuse and child abuse) to
know that it is ok to <u>freely</u> enjoy a loving relationship with both
parents. Alienating a child from the
other parent (overtly or subtly) is a form of emotional child abuse. If it is too painful to exist in the same
sphere as your ex, to deal with him/her civilly and cooperatively as related to
your child, then perhaps some counseling might be helpful. After the initial dissolution
crisis dissipates, it is healthy for a person to settle down emotionally and to
move on, keeping things in their proper perspective for the good of everyone
concerned. When someone has great difficulty doing this, cannot forgive,
retains significant anger, has violent fantasies, depression, etc., it is
unhealthy for the person and for their child.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">It is difficult, if not
impossible, to completely shed one’s skin and totally start anew, as if to
regenerate without memories of a previous life once shared. The best one can realistically hope for is to
feel ok, to be able to move on with life happily, and to accept the ex as a formerly
important figure, who may still be a very important figure and role model for a child. That
requires some mental gymnastics in some cases, but should be attempted and mastered.
Your child needs the freedom to love both parents and to enjoy time with both
parents, assuming there are no extreme, contraindicating circumstances. Going forward
with your life is quite different from your child’s experience of the breakup,
and it might be good to acknowledge this difference with your child, and to
validate their need to enjoy their other-parent relationship without conflict,
anxiety or guilt.</span><span style="color: #2f5496;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ . He is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations for the Courts and who has been appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent Coordinator by the NJ Superior Court, Family Division.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Call to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455</span></b><b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="color: #222222;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Web Site: </span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="http://www.jdgordonlaw.com/" style="text-decoration-line: none;">www.jdgordonlaw.com</a></span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<b>www.jdgordonpsych.com</b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-59180368581590385522017-07-04T18:07:00.002-04:002017-07-04T18:07:19.500-04:00<h2 style="line-height: 48px; text-align: center;">
<u style="color: blue; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">SOCIAL MEDIA COMES BACK TO BITE YOU IN FAMILY COURT</u></h2>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><b style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><u><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Many people do not realize that the phrase "anything you say may be used against you in a Court of Law" also applies to what they post on social media. It is remarkable what people post about themselves: pictures of themselves with the person with whom they are having an affair, pictures of themselves guzzling beer, party pictures that depict themselves in raunchy positions or gestures, etc. Also amazing are the posts that trash talk their estranged ex partner or spouse, or even their children (e.g. "my kids are such brats...".). This article is written a bit tongue-in-cheek, but the advice is quite serious and you should take it to heart because it could save you from a bitter defeat in Court.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Please stop posting the intimate details of your life to the world, even to your friends alone. It is not a good idea. The person who wants to humiliate you in court is scavenging around for any bits of evidence that they can attach to a Certification as an exhibit. The person from whom you are trying to take custody of your child will use these posts to show the Judge that you are not the best parent (even if you are). Why give people ammunition to use against you? Is it that important to amuse your friends with your zany activities, that you will risk jeopardizing your court case? Trust me, it's not worth it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Interestingly, you should also know that according to Court rules, ethical standards and rules of evidence, once you post incriminating posts on social media, and you later are told (e.g. by me) that it's a bad idea, you can be slammed for tampering with evidence (also called <i>spoliation</i>). Even your own attorney is not ethically supposed to tell you to remove the post, because it is destroying "<i>discoverable</i>" evidence that your opponent is otherwise entitled to! For example, when you are getting divorced, as part of the discovery (obtaining evidence) process, you will receive Interrogatories (a zillion questions about everything you ever owned, bought, sold, did, or experienced, along with all of your health history, names of doctors, etc.). You will also receive a Notice to Produce documents and other things that might be important for the case. For example, you will be ordered to produce all audio and video recordings, emails, texts, reports, writings, documents, electronically stored data, diaries, etc., that might be useful at trial for either side. If you are told to produce all social media posts that you ever posted referencing your ex (for example), and you already took down those posts and you do not produce them, then you are non-compliant with that requirement. You are also lying to the court (because you have to sign a sworn certification that it is complete) by saying it does not exist, since it <u>did</u> exist and you made it disappear. If your ex's friend took a screen shot of that post before you deleted it, and it ends up as a Court exhibit, there goes your credibility. Another example of posting that is a bad idea, is evident in the news item that appeared on the Associated Press (AP) Twitter feed on July 4, 2017</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">(https://apnews.com)</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">, about a woman who posted on Cragslist that she was looking for someone to poison her ex husband in Israel, using ricin. Small wonder that the FBI arrested her for using Interstate Commerce for the commission of murder-for-hire. Seriously? Wow. Not the best idea. But that is an extreme case. Your posts, however, may still hurt you.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> The message here is (1) posts are not private and they can be packaged and used against you in court; and (2) think about the possible long-term consequences of what you put out in public, things you say, show others, etc. As a general practice, it is not a good idea to air your private thoughts and fantasies and parts of your anatomy that should be covered, even if you are joking. It is probably ill-advised to post to social media if you are angry (or just feeling arrogant and superior), or if you want your soon-to-be ex to be jealous, upset or devastated by what you posted. Also realize that your emails and text messages will be printed out and used as exhibits or as evidence of you being verbally abusive, insulting, and crass in what you communicated. In some instances, your text messages and emails can be considered to be evidence of harassment or even evidence of terroristic threats and can be used against you in a domestic violence proceeding. Domestic violence is not always about physical violence. It includes (among other things) harassment, terroristic threats (e.g. death threats, etc.), and stalking to name a few. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> The moral of the story is to think before you post: ask yourself if you might one day regret anything you write, say or post, if it is presented in Court. Would that weaken your case or your credibility? Will you wish you never said that (and left that voice mail), posted that photo, or texted that text? Oh, by the way: remember that your opponent (in court), whether your ex, or your ex's attorney will be sure to produce transcribed certified conversations you had with the ex that were tape recorded. It's better not to say anything if you are angry. And, rather than having to worry about what you posted, it's better to post only cute things about puppies, kittens or ducklings, and maybe about a trip you took to the county fair with your child. But photos of you with a beer bottle in each hand with half-dressed people sitting in your lap, posted on Facebook, is so unnecessary when you think of all the damage that even one photo can inflict on you. Even though you may be the best parent in the world, to the Judge it is an example of poor judgment on your part, and will hurt your credibility. Forewarned is forearmed. Good luck out there. Family Court can be a jungle of dangerous evidence lurking when it comes to your case. Be cautious, show good judgment, and think before you party too hard since there are always camera phones around. It is not paranoia if indeed, someone is out to get you. This is not a good time to be careless and cavalier, when someone is looking to catch you in a slip-up. Just saying.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, and is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations for the Courts and who has been appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent Coordinator.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Call to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455</span></b><b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="color: #222222;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Web Site: </span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="http://www.jdgordonlaw.com/" style="text-decoration-line: none;">www.jdgordonlaw.com</a></span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<b>www.jdgordonpsych.com</b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-36282768829833800692017-07-03T16:25:00.002-04:002017-07-03T16:25:56.689-04:00<h2 style="line-height: 48px; text-align: center;">
<b><u><span style="line-height: 48px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">FORENSIC CHILD CUSTODY EVALUATIONS</span></span></u></b></h2>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><b style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><u><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Frequently in Family Court, it becomes necessary to order what is called a Forensic evaluation, either for the purposes of custody, parenting time, or relocation out of State. A Judge, at oral argument on a parent's application (motion), does not always know for sure what is in the child's best interests, just from the arguments of lawyers. For example, pre-divorce, a parent might want sole custody (e.g. legal and residential), thereby being afforded the power to make all decisions regarding the child without needing the consent of the other parent. (This is unusual, however, since the presumption is joint legal custody). Or, perhaps there is a dispute over parenting time--how much each parent should spend with the child. Sometimes a parent wants to move out of State with the child, against the wishes of the non-moving parent. The Court needs to know what is in the best interests of the child, or in some cases, if a move out of State would be harmful ("inimical") to the best interests of the child. Without going into detail about Case Law and Statutes, which can vary from state to state, this article is primarily an overview about the process of performing a forensic evaluation by an expert to assist the Court in making its decision in these areas.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> This forensic evaluation is usually performed by an experienced and forensically trained licensed psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, or psychiatrist, with a report to be written and provided to the Court upon completion. The evaluation is not just performed on the child, but also on the parents as well. Intrinsic to the evaluation is the need to clinically interview each of the parties, make an assessment of the personality dynamics and possible mental health issues of each (if any), as well as make an assessment of the child. The latter also includes looking into the educational status of the child, if there are any special needs, learning problems, medical issues or behavior problems that should be factored into the equation. Important also is the need to review documents and other evidence, usually provided to the evaluator by the parents as well as by their attorneys. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Accordingly, an evaluator--as part of the evaluation--could review court documents, previous orders and reports, the reports of other evaluators, school records, photos, video recordings, emails, etc. In relocation cases (also sometimes called "removal"), the evaluator may also review information comparing the target location (where the moving parent wants to live) to the current location, regarding medical, educational and social factors to determine if they are comparable.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Needless to say, these evaluations can be very expensive, depending on the amount of work and time required, the number of children in the family to be evaluated, the amount of data to be reviewed, and if the expert will need to undergo a deposition and eventually testify at trial. Also important to performing a comprehensive evaluation is the need to interview "collaterals" who are additional people with first-hand knowledge about the child, the parents or the family. These collateral contacts may be a teacher, guidance counselor, physician, relatives, neighbors, etc. Obviously, some of the collaterals will be more credible than others. It is less likely that a school social worker working on the child's special educational program (e.g. Individualized educational plan, or IEP) will be more credible than the maternal grandparents who most likely will be biased in favor of their son or daughter who are the child's parents. All of this must be taken into consideration, assessed and put together in a credible manner so that the Court can rely on the information. At times, a forensic psychologist will perform psychological testing on the child as well as the parents if more information is needed to provide a full picture for the Court.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Often, the Court will appoint its own expert and the report goes directly to the Judge first, to be disseminated under Protective Order to the attorneys, to protect its confidentiality. Usually, after a court-appointed expert renders a report, one or both of the parents will not be happy with it. In that event, the dissatisfied parent usually has the right to hire their own expert to hopefully refute the Court-appointed expert's opinion. In some cases, there are three experts: one of the Court's choosing, and one for each of the parents. The Court-appointed expert will be more credible to the Judge who appointed that expert, unless the report is filled with inaccuracies and there is a lack of scientific underpinnings, methodology and data to support the conclusions. Either way, if the parents end up being ordered to split the cost of the Court-appointed expert, and they each hire and pay for their own expert at an average of $7,500-$12,000, depending on the amount of time required, you can see how much this can cost.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Sadly, some parents cannot afford to get their own expert who may want an initial retainer of between $7,000 and 10,000 before doing any work. In the event that the Court-appointed expert does not do a satisfactory job (in that parent's opinion), a disgruntled parent may have to live with those results if there is not another report or expert who will refute the first one. Ultimately the Judge listens to all of the testimony, makes credibility assessments and makes a determination. The expert also will be cross-examined at trial and even a Court-appointed expert can be found to be not credible when forced to explain their results and conclusions. On the positive side, however, sometimes a well-written expert report disseminated to the parties prior to the trial date, will motivate the parties to settle and avoid trial. I have seen this happen first-hand.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> I have previously written in this Blog that parents going through divorce, or custody and visitation disputes are fixated on the "badness" of the opposing party. Being temporarily blinded by their own emotions and feelings of victimhood, they can become tunnel-visioned and even acutely narcissistic in their formulation as to what is in their child's best interests. Vilifying the other parent to the expert, slinging mud and disparaging the other parent, is often counterproductive and self defeating. The parent going through this evaluation process, rather than demonizing their ex, would be better advised to focus more on their own solid relationship and activities with their child, unless there are unusual circumstances such as domestic violence and child abuse. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> From the point of view of what is healthy for the child, the best approach is the parent who seeks to include--rather than to marginalize--the other parent, who encourages the child to have a good relationship with the other parent, talks respectfully to--and about--the other parent to the child and to others (especially when the child can overhear), and who clearly signals to the child that it is ok to love and have fun with the other parent (even though that parent may have been unlovable as a spouse or partner). The healthy approach is to minimize stress for the child and to reduce or eliminate the loyalty conflict felt by the child who loves and wants to please both parents. Even nonverbal cues (e.g. facial expressions, rolling eyes, etc.) can signal to the child that it is not ok with Parent A that the child enjoyed their time with Parent B. Children are very focused on the individual reactions of one parent regarding the other. Part of the expert evaluation is to identify and to predict the degree to which the parents will be supportive and cooperative with each other, and to make recommendations to the Court based partly upon those and other important factors.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, and is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations for the Courts and who has been appointed Guardian <i>ad litem</i> and Parent Coordinator.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Call to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455</span></b><b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-77685985119175147762017-05-23T11:47:00.000-04:002017-05-23T11:47:49.882-04:00<h2 style="line-height: 48px; text-align: center;">
<b><u><span style="line-height: 48px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Children, Alliances and Lies</span></span></u></b></h2>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><b style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><u><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<b style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span></b><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 200%;">Children cannot escape their
parents. When the parents are divorcing
or dissolving their relationship, sometimes the children find themselves in the
middle of the battlefield. Whether
witnessing their parents’ arguing, or being subtly recruited as an ally by one or both parents,
the children are in the middle and it causes great damage. </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> The dissolution of a love
relationship brings out the worst in otherwise nice or well-meaning people.
This overflows and is evident in Family Court, when the acrimony and pain is
freely aired in front of a Judge. Unfortunately, some parents cannot see beyond
their own pain, sense of betrayal, anger, etc. This acute narcissistic response
to the crisis of divorce or relationship dissolution is essentially tunnel
vision with a loss of empathy. Tunnel vision shuts down or curtails normal
empathy for others, in this case children.
Since it is unnatural to have empathy lacking for a child’s feelings or
welfare, then at times, the Court has to step in and make sure that the child
is protected. How is the narcissistic curtailment of empathy manifested?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Some cannot keep their
feelings to themselves and they say all sorts of horrible things to a child
about the other parent. If not overtly stated, then the feelings may be
communicated by facial expressions or other body language, conversations with
others within earshot of the child, and in extreme situations may manifest by preventing
the child from having normal contact with the other parent. As I’ve mentioned in this space previously,
anger can drive litigation with its resultant financial and emotional costs. Whether out of a sense of betrayal, or
victimization and a need/desire to get even, a child is a convenient vehicle
with which to hurt the other parent.
Nothing could be more irrational, but it is a common phenomenon seen often
in Family Court. Sometimes, a parent is
convinced (rightly or wrongly) that the other parent is incompetent as a parent
and is incapable and undeserving of having a warm, close and nurturant
relationship with their child. No
expense is spared, no effort or methodology is overlooked in the quest to
marginalize the other parent. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> In some cases, a parent
might apply to the Court for permission to move far away, out of state. Court’s these days are inclined to allow a
custodial parent to move to another state if the move is “not inimical to the
child’s best interests” (the current Law in New Jersey, for example) and the
move is made for a good faith reason (e.g. Mom got a great job offer
elsewhere), among other factors. The moving parent must present a reasonable
parenting plan for the other parent, which usually consists of a few weeks in
the Summer and perhaps a holiday or two or school break during the school year.
Sometimes that arrangement works and is
satisfactory. Sometimes it is
unrealistic and even impossible to implement. A parent seeking relocation with
a child is not necessarily angry, vindictive or trying to marginalize the other
parent. An empathetic, sensitive parent
can still need to relocate for good reasons.
A Court (when the other parent objects) has to dissect away all of the
issues to determine if the move is a good thing, or not for the child, and if
it should happen at all.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Some parents, in their
short-sighted, narcissistic view, prefer to act on their belief (whether
justified or not) that the other parent should be marginalized, excised or
alienated. Acting out that belief and
proceeding with that agenda, can be very damaging to a child since the child
loves both parents. If there is adequate empathy for the child’s feelings, then
a parent sees the potential emotional damage, exercises appropriate parent-child
boundaries and inhibits their own behavior to shield the child from harm. If there is adequate empathy for the child,
the parent, in the presence of a child on any particular day, understands that
the child loves the other parent and is entitled to a relationship with that
parent (assuming that the other parent is a fit parent) because it is intrinsically
good for the child. It is good for the
child by definition, because the child has two parents. Even if the other parent is a terrible
husband or wife, that does not necessarily mean “poor parent” as well. When one party vilifies the other,
unfortunately the parent-part of the equation gets thrown in with the other
(often irrelevant to parenting) issues.
So besides being perceived as a bad spouse, that party is perceived as a
horrible parent as well even though he or she may be a great parent. And we know who loses out: the child.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> The child knows that parent
A despises parent B. It hurts the child.
He/she feels the tension, sadness, anxiety inside. The child learns to hide feelings, not talk
about Parent A to parent B, to pretend that the parenting time that just ended
was no big deal, nothing special, for fear of hurting the receiving parent’s
feelings or causing a problem. In short,
the child learns the “rules” of the particular home he/she is in at any
particular time, and uses emotional energy or effort to be someone he/she is
not. The effort is expended trying to please the parent he/she is with. At the end of the day, the child learns to be
something he/she is not, learns to be guarded and to inhibit his/her love for
Parent B, just to please Parent A or to avoid Parent A’s anger or
disappointment. How sad that is for the
child. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Being (perceived to be)
betrayed, abandoned, hurt, victimized by the other partner/spouse breeds
(irrational) hatred and contempt. But perceptions during a breakup, especially
when kids are involved can (and often are) distorted, short-sighted and
selfishly driven by misguided, subconscious motives. It’s hard to have that insight when a parent
is acutely narcissistic and in pain themselves; hard to conjure up empathy—even
for a child’s feelings—when there is so much anger fueled further by vindictively
obsessive thoughts. All of this is in
the context of a child going back and forth between two parents. It’s enough to
make a child walk on eggshells. But that
causes great anxiety and often depression which affect school, as well as
physical health.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Parents going through a
painful divorce should learn to recognize that they may temporarily be unable
to be objective, unable to see the big picture.
They should recognize that it is common for the divorce crisis to exist
concurrently with an impairment of good judgment and impulse control. If a person acknowledges that (on their own
or via professional counseling), and understands that there are always two
sides to a dissolution, two opposing views of why it is happening, then
hopefully self-righteous, moralistic thinking can be avoided. Hopefully the
parent does not perceive him/herself to be a victim and play that role with the
resultant blame and anger. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even if a person is convinced that they are “right”
and the other parent is “wrong”, there are certain ironclad rules that should
be adhered to with children, (assuming both parents are fit, not abusive, not
impaired by alcohol or drugs, or criminal behavior or a history of domestic
violence, etc.). Calling the other parent unfit because you don’t like that
person for how they treated you in a relationship, is not valid. Unfit is used here in the context of court
proceedings in which the court or local child protective agency deems the other
parent unfit. Being a lousy spouse does
not mean that spouse is a lousy parent. Also, your being the better parent does
not mean that the other parent should play no role as a parent, or be
marginalized. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<u><span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>The Basic Rules</b>:<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">1.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">The children have a right to a loving relationship and good, quality time
with both parents and the children should know that you feel this way and are
supportive of this.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">2.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">The children have a right to love their other parent (who you might
despise), and should be given the green light for them to freely do so, by you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">3.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">The children should never hear you say anything disparaging about the
other parent, whether directly or indirectly by overhearing you speaking with
others about the other parent. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">4.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">It is your duty as a parent to shield your children from the litigation,
from the issues that led to your breakup, from your true feelings about their
other parent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">5.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">It is your duty as a parent to make your child feel comfortable telling
you about the fun times they had with the other parent, or in showing you
pictures, gifts or souvenirs from time spent with the other parent. This means
you behave as if you are happy for your child even if secretly you are
seething. (If you are seething, you might consider getting counseling to help
you through this because seething only hurts you and makes you feel sick inside.) Acting happy for your child is difficult,
since you must be aware of your nonverbal cues, your body language, facial
expressions, etc. Rolling your eyes, tensing up, looking depressed, tearing up,
etc., all tell the child that it is not ok that they had fun with the other
parent. To teach your child that message, is to make your child compartmentalize
his/her life, needing to keep things to him/herself to avoid your reactions and
displeasure.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">6.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">It is inappropriate and damaging to a child to pump that child for private
information about the other parent’s love life, financial situation, or other
information that is not relevant to the child’s parenting time. If your child is being mistreated by a
boyfriend/girlfriend, you will hear about it anyway, and you can act
accordingly. Most of the time, however, new partners of an ex are benign, not
wanting to cause any problems with their new partner’s child or other
parent. Your child should know that you
are ok with their establishing a warm relationship with the other parent’s new
girl/boyfriend, and that you are not threatened by that relationship (even if
you have insecurities of your own). If
you are overly anxious about the possibility of your child loving your ex
spouse’s new partner more than your child loves you, then you might benefit
from counseling for these insecurities. Your child may benefit from you being
in counseling as well. If you allow
yourself to feel competitive with your ex’s new love interest, it will lead to
emotional disaster for you and for your child, not to mention further
litigation. Avoid buying extravagant
gifts for your child even if you can afford it. It will only provoke a similar
response from the other parent, or hostility.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">7.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">Do not lie to your child about the other parent. Also, do not relate stories—even if
true—about your ex to the child, if the stories are at all negative. Do omit
telling bad stories about your ex to the child, e.g. “Your mom had three
affairs.” or “Your father never did things with you until we separated”, etc. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">8.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">Do not schedule appointments for the child when the appointment will occur
on the other parent’s parenting time, unless unavoidable, and unless you first
inform the other parent and gain their cooperation and approval. Do not sign up the child for extracurricular
activities that will take place on the other parent’s parenting time, unless
you have pre-approval from the other parent as well as an understanding that
the other parent will take the child to that activity.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">9.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">Do not interfere with the other parent’s parenting time. Don’t call your
child frequently or unnecessarily, outside of your agreed-upon or court-ordered
phone time. Make pleasant small talk with your child rather than to interrogate
or pump for information. Don’t be intrusive.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">10.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">Please share important
information regarding the health, education and general welfare of your child
to the other parent even if you loathe him/her.
Use email or text. For
emergencies and acute illness, don’t delay informing the other parent. Pick up
the phone and call or text. The child needs both parents to be in the loop. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">11.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 200%;">Please do not act as
if the other parent does not exist.
Perhaps for you, the ex does not exist, but for the child, it is a very
different story. Act as if you are both on the same page regarding your
children, even if you despise each other, simply for the benefit of your
children. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Generally, all of the
above require a degree of acting, keeping appropriate parent-child boundaries, keeping
your feelings to yourself, self-monitoring (e.g. for internal emotional upset, body
language, eye rolling, sighing, etc.) and by playing a perhaps phony role for
the sake of your children. Your role is
that of co-parent who respects the other parent as an equal. Even if you privately believe the other
parent is a pathetic loser as a person, and a waste of space on this planet,
there is nothing to be gained by your children knowing you feel that way. It only will hurt the children. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you want to be the
best loving parent you can be, it would be good for you to allow, encourage and
facilitate your children’s love for—and relationship with—the other parent and
other parent’s family. Even if you do
not get thanked by the other party (because the other party thinks you are a
pathetic loser too), you are doing this for your children’s comfort level and
to generate as much good Karma as possible for you and your children. While you
cannot control the other parent, you can certainly aspire toward doing the
right thing by your children, for their benefit. You have the potential of control over what
you do, and it is a good thing to self-monitor, and to be cognizant of the
effects of your behavior on your children’s emotional and physical development.
Try to let go of the past as best you can, don’t harbor anger and resentment,
and go forward with your new life as a single parent with a child who depends
on your mental health, stability and good example.</span><span style="color: #1f4e79; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Call us to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455</span></b><b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-38115995361468288292016-07-01T12:17:00.003-04:002016-07-01T12:45:24.633-04:00<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;">Vengeance is Sweet, but Sweet
is Expensive</span></span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 17.12px;"><span style="color: blue;">(Family Court as Roman Theatre)</span></span></b><br />
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
<br />
<img height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s200/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px;" width="158" /></div>
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<b><u><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div>
<b><u><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> It is fascinating how some people in Family Court believe
that anything goes. Dirty fighting, low blows, torpedoes and surprise maneuvers
are common. Lying is almost expected. At
least it is not shocking. It is
understood that people embellish, re-invent history and even create fiction to
gain some imagined advantage. The system
has few methods with which to deal with this, but we will discuss some of the
effects of scorched earth litigation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Of course it would be simple if divorcing or litigating
parties would be cooperative and conserve their financial resources. The more
litigation, the more legal fees. But if
they were so cooperative, they might still be happily married. As I discussed in earlier posts, much that
drives matrimonial and other family court litigation is related to emotions and
beliefs. The emotions that one may be
experiencing could include extreme anger, extreme anxiety, extreme
depression. The cognitive basis for
these emotions could include beliefs such as perceiving one’s self as a victim,
as abandoned, betrayed, humiliated, robbed, etc. “That so-and-so ruined my
life!” As a person falls into that trap
of these irrational cognitive beliefs or self-perceptions, then it is common to
blame the other party for the abandonment, betrayal, humiliation and robbery
that is perceived. Blaming the other party and being the victim is always unhealthy
emotionally and financially. The resulting
tunnel vision of such a person leads that person to lock into a narcissistically
self-centered theory of the (marital) circumstances which is difficult to climb
out of. It doesn’t make things easier
when a client distorts the facts to their lawyer who takes up their cause, and
when well-meaning family and friends encourage a parson to take the other party
“to the cleaners.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> When a person has the beliefs outlined above, and as a
result is enraged at the other person (e.g. an estranged spouse), many people
(not all) will give themselves permission to act badly against the other. The perceived victim may indeed feel totally
justified in besmirching the other party’s name in the community, making
marital property (not yet divided up) disappear or damaged, or worse. False allegations can be commonly found in
domestic violence complaints, in financial allegations and with regard to
parenting skills or involvement. A
parent who wants to hurt the other, may use the children as a weapon. This is
sadly common. The children suffer and it
often becomes clear to the Judge that one parent is doing this, causing upset
or alienation, or other problems. The
Court, once this is clear, will come down hard on the parent causing problems
for the children and for the other parent. It is not so difficult to identify in
most cases. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> False domestic violence allegations are very damaging and
cause immediate consequences to the falsely accused party, if a Temporary
Restraining Order (TRO) is issued. This
includes being immediately kicked out of the house with the shirt on your back,
having your legally obtained weapons confiscated, and perhaps not being allowed
to have contact with the children. All
of this is Temporary (in NJ where I practice) until the final hearing which is
a trial. If the trial results in a Final
Restraining Order (FRO), then it is permanent until and unless dismissed by the
plaintiff, the person who sought the order. (We are only talking here about
false allegations and not the majority of complaints that truly reflect
incidents of domestic violence and rightly result in an FRO.). The result of being wrongly accused of
domestic violence when none has occurred, besides being horrifically malicious,
is a financial loss due to the attorneys’ fees the defendant must spend to be
defended in this trial. The trial can involve calling witnesses, introduction
of evidence (e.g. tapes, photos, texts, etc.) and may be continued over a
period of days. It is possible to spend
tens of thousands of dollars (but more likely around $10,000) to defend a
complaint of domestic violence. It also costs the accuser for the days in court
and the resultant legal fees. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> False accusations of dissipating marital assets, stealing
or hiding marital money, transferring property to the name of others to “hold”
for the owner, or charging up a storm on the spouse’s credit card can also cause
much damage and result in high fees. A
forensic accountant, depending on the nature of the valuation of a business, or
evaluation of where money went, can cost anywhere from $15,000 to $50,000. Depending on the complexity of the case, the
sky is the limit. If the accusing spouse
is simply making accusations over feeling cheated, without a concrete
(documented) basis, it will end up costing the accusing spouse a lot of money
just to vex the other spouse. In fact, a
Judge could make the party requesting a forensic accounting pay for it
100%. The same is true for an accuser
who wants a vocational evaluation for a spouse who is accused of being “voluntarily
underemployed”. The question is whether
it is really worth it to throw out $10,000 or $25,000, or whatever it is, just
to “go after” the other party due to anger?
Some would say yes, it’s worth it.
But besides the bad Karma, and the risk of losing one’s credibility with
a Judge, there might be a better use for those funds, such as a vacation or
maybe psychotherapy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> It is common, when child custody or parenting time
disputes arise, for parents to allege
all kinds of things about the other parent that they never alleged before. A good example is an allegation that the
other parent drives the children in the car when intoxicated or under the
influence of something. This begs the question of “Then why did you allow your
spouse to drive the children with that spouse for the past 8 years, thereby
putting them in danger?” False
accusations that the other parent was never involved with the children when
that parent actually <u>was</u>, or that the other parent is not interested in
the children or does not participate in the children’s lives, becomes “he
said-she said” to a Judge. Most of the
time, with opposing allegations, or with allegations and denials, a Judge will
refer the parents and children for a psychological evaluation as to the best
interests of the children or for a custody recommendation. Just parenthetically, a full psychological
evaluation with a written report on a family could cost between $15,000 and
$25,000. Court testimony is extra. But the Roman theatre includes low blows,
dirty fighting and distraction. It is no
different in Family Court with some people who have a score to settle.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> At the end of the day, the Court has one ultimate tool in
the decision making process, namely the trial.
If there are disputes of material fact, possibly credible accusations or
allegations on both sides, and there is a dearth of clear unequivocal evidence
available, then the Court will set a date for a trial on the issues, with
discovery (e.g. document production, depositions, reports from forensic
experts, etc.) deadlines. You can count
on such a trial costing from $25,000 to $75,000 or more, depending on the
complexity of the issues. If this
litigation is being driven by anger and vengeance, it is very unfortunate and
dysfunctional. You will lose all of your
savings unless you are very wealthy. You
may go into debt to finance this. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> When the trial is over and the Judge makes her or his
determinations, you will find that most of the time, it will be in the
neighborhood of a midpoint between the previous positions of the two
parties. Had they gone to mediation, or
worked it out between themselves and then had their attorneys draft an agreement,
they could have saved a ton of money and gotten the same or similar outcome. But vengeance is sweet. Sweet can be very expensive.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Not only is the seeking of vengeance or retribution
expensive financially, it also takes an emotional toll on both parties. It is self-inflicted suffering. For someone who perceives themselves to be a
victim, this is perfect. But not
everyone wants to be in litigation for the fun of it. Often, the accuser will leave the trial very
surprised and devastated that the Judge was not very impressed with the
allegations, or with the evidence, or with the credibility of the accuser. So not only was the defendant forced to spend
a lot of money on a lawyer to defend themselves but the plaintiff/accuser threw
their money out needlessly just to get even with the spouse that was such a “bad
person” to that spouse. Trials are
sometimes necessary to get to the truth when the truth is not readily apparent
to a Judge. Two people can genuinely
disagree on how much time a child should spend in a particular parent’s home,
or disagree on how much money was spent on certain things that now should be a
financial credit for a party. Genuine
disagreement, especially when mediation efforts failed, will be resolved by a
Judge. But to waste the court’s time and
to put the other party through the wringer out of malice, is just dysfunctional,
wasteful, and abusive. Unless a party
wants to drag things out to punish the other party, it is better to work things
out amicably, whether between themselves or in mediation, than to use the
Family Court as a Roman theatre to act out their hatred of the other
party. And if you believe in Karma, well, it often comes back to bite you later on. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Call us to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-58606205937606519192016-05-25T10:52:00.000-04:002016-05-25T10:52:01.377-04:00<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 19.8pt; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">FAIRNESS v. INJUSTICE IN FAMILY COURT</span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<img height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s200/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" width="158" /><br />
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<b><u><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 13.85pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #4472c4; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Your
injustice may be someone else’s fair outcome. Sometimes in litigation, when a
settlement is not possible, a Judge will make a decision based on the facts and
the application of those facts to the Law.
In Family Court, the facts can be disputed and create ambiguity for a
Judge. If facts are disputed and there has been no presentation of definitive
and convincing proof in a motion hearing, then a Judge will often be forced to
schedule a plenary hearing or trial on those disputed facts. The trial is different from oral argument in
a motion hearing since in a trial, there is sworn testimony and evidence may be
used as proof of the proposition being asserted by the parties. Witnesses may be sworn in and testimony is
subject to cross examination. The rules of evidence will control what the Judge
will admit into evidence and ultimately, at the end of this hearing, the Judge
will decide the issue and make findings of fact as well as conclusions of Law. Frequently, the Judge will strike a compromise
position, giving something and denying something to both parties if it seems
like the fair thing to do. Sometimes,
but much less frequently, one party will get a “home run” and totally prevail
in the Court’s findings.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> It
is not unusual for the losing party to be upset or to believe that the court’s finding
was unjust, wrong or biased. In New
Jersey where I practice, there are mechanisms for having another look at the
issue just decided. For example, a party may submit a motion for
reconsideration. This has to be applied
for within 20 days of the Court Order that is being contested and cannot simply
be for the reason that the party did not like the Judge’s decision. Rather,
among other things, a party would have to show the Court that the Judge omitted
some important fact or misapplied the Law to these facts. Also, if there is
brand-new information that just became available, that had it been previously
submitted to the Court would have resulted in a different outcome, then this
would be appropriate to reconsider. Being unhappy with the decision, however, is
not a basis to file this motion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> If
a party is not able to get relief through a motion for reconsideration, an
appeal may be considered. In fact, when
applying for an appeal (e.g. to the Appellate Division), you will be asked on
the Notice of Appeal if you already submitted a motion for reconsideration or a
motion to Stay Judgment (pending appeal) and if it was already rejected. You have 45 days from the day of the original
order to submit the Notice of Appeal. Otherwise, it is generally too late to
appeal. In Family Court, most appeals
fail and the Appellate Division will affirm the decision of the court
below. Part of that is because the
Appellate Division gives much deference to the Family Court Judge. This is due
to the fact that the judge has expertise in this area and had the benefit of
being there, hearing the arguments first hand and being able to make
credibility determinations in the process of rendering a decision. The Family
Part Judge has a certain amount of discretion to make a decision based on what
the Judge deems to be appropriate and just.
The Appellate Division will send the case back to the trial judge
(remand) or reverse the decision below if (among other things) the Appellate
Judges believe that the Judge abused their discretion (went too far). Or, the Appellate Division will reverse and
remand, or simply reverse if the Judge made an error of Law. These are simplifications, designed to give
you a basic idea of the process. There are different ways that the Appellate Division
will review a Judge’s decision, with different standards or criteria for making
their determination, as requested by the petitioner, but this is not the
purpose of the current explanation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Regarding
justice and fairness, a Judge (at the trial level, rather than the Appellate
level) will occasionally make a decision based on fairness or “equity”. In New Jersey, the Family Court is a section
of the Chancery Division of the Superior Court and is considered to be a “Court
of Equity”. This means that at times, when there is no clear rule of Law that
compels a Judge to rule a certain way, a Judge may decide an issue based on
what is fair to do. This is usually found in financial issues, where a party
may be repaid or at least partially compensated for expenses they previously
incurred, because it is the right thing to do, to resolve a case. But a Judge
also has the discretion to decline to do that based on other determinations
(e.g. the party seeking to be compensated had “unclean hands” or some culpability
or bad behavior).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Justice
from the point of view of the litigant may be self-centered. That is, if I lose
my argument or application, then it is unjust by (my) definition. A party can be passionate and sincerely
believe that they are right and deserving (to win) but a Judge may disagree
based on the totality of all of the circumstances and from a more objective
outside perspective. At times, I have heard my clients or adverse clients (the
other party) complain that the Judge was corrupt, a friend of the other lawyer,
biased, or unintelligent. It is
difficult to defend a Judge to one’s own client, especially when the client is
unhappy over a decision that the Judge made, but it is highly unlikely that the
Judge was corrupt, or biased or influenced by friendship with a particular
lawyer. Judges are not unintelligent.
Maybe sometimes they are impatient, or overworked, or they have had
enough of the petty bickering that they hear in a particular case. It has
happened, however, that on a rare occasion when there is an actual bias or
appearance of bias, that the Appellate Division or even the Judicial Ethics
Committee, might step in. This, however,
is something that is rarely, if ever, seen by an attorney perhaps in an entire
career. That does not mean that it does not, or could not happen, however. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> In
certain areas of Law, there may be a bias that seems unfair. For example, in
Child Protective Services (CPS) cases, the Judge usually sides with the Deputy
Attorney General (the lawyer representing the CPS agency) in New Jersey, The
Division of Child Protection and Permanency (DCP&P). Even when the Division has no case, has a
flimsy set of facts, most Judges will usually defer to the Deputy Attorney
General (D.A.G.)’s arguments, as well as the Court-appointed Law Guardian for
the child, and err on the side of caution due to concerns about the safety of
the child. Since in New Jersey (and
elsewhere) the Court has the power to make decisions as a parent (<i>parens patriae</i> powers), then a Judge can
at least temporarily change custody of a child, kick a parent out of the house
until a further determination is made, and can continue the case for up to a
year until it either gets dismissed of goes further if appropriate. That means that for a small minority of
parents who are wrongfully accused of abuse or neglect of a child, that they
are treated as guilty until proven innocent later on. The allegations made by the Division can be
later discredited at trial, but the trial can take 3 to 6 months to begin after
the initial Complaint is submitted. For a parent who did not commit an act of
abuse or neglect, but is accused of doing so, that parent may have to spend
tens of thousands of dollars defending themselves (if they do not qualify for
public defender) and in the interim, may have to sleep on someone’s couch if
they were ordered to leave their home (leaving the child in the care of the
other parent or another relative). I had a case like this where the father
lived in his car for months until the case was dismissed in his favor. Parenting time can be ordered to be supervised
only, or infrequently allowed, such as every other week for a couple hours.
That targeted parent may have to submit to a battery of psychological tests, substance
abuse assessments, and perhaps submit to treatment (even before a diagnosis is
rendered). The treatment that may be
ordered can include anger management training and parenting skills training. The assessments may be over-broad and
essentially can become a fishing expedition to find some reason why the child
should not be in the care of that parent.
The CPS workers generally do not back down, assuming that the parent is
“guilty” and that they should receive only supervised parenting time and go for
treatment. Ultimately, that is for a
Judge to decide, but the process moves slowly and the Judges usually will go
along with the recommendations of the Division and Law Guardian (who usually
are in agreement with each other).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> The
purpose of describing this latter issue in CPS cases, is that for a parent who
is unjustly accused of child abuse or neglect, much damage can be done. This
can be psychological, financial, and certainly to the parent-child
relationship. A child’s behavior can
deteriorate with the sudden inexplicable absence of a parent with whom they are
bonded. A parent can be forced to go for
treatment for a “condition” for which they were not (yet) diagnosed, and their
compliance with the treatment and court-ordered assessments will be used to
later decide when or if the parent and child can go back to normal. It is a very difficult area of Law, replete
with unfairness when a client has not been abusive or neglectful to their
child. Importantly, however, most of the
allegations of child abuse or neglect turn out to be real, the protections of
the State are clearly necessary, and children’s lives are often salvaged or
saved by the efforts of the child protective services and the Court. We are only speaking here of the times when
an innocent parent is swept up into the system that assumes that they are not
so innocent. That is a painful process
for that particular parent or family. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Justice
and fairness is usually accomplished in Family Court. There are many variables to juggle, including
the financial issues, credits due a party, child support and alimony, equitable
distribution, anticipated retirement age, and most importantly, the best
interests and safety of any children.
Arriving at custody and parenting time decisions is sometimes a daunting
task, requiring expert assessments. All
of this takes time, money and the desire to settle the issues through
negotiations. If the parties can
negotiate and make compromises, they may be able to reach a fair settlement
without going to trial. They can save money on legal fees and maintain a civil,
cooperative relationship for the benefit of any children they may have. Then
the parties do not have to be so concerned with justice and what is fair. They
can mediate their issues make decisions themselves without a Judge having to
intercede. When the parties cannot
agree, cannot make decisions amicably, and continue to fight with each other, a
Judge will make the decision(s) for them and this will open the door to a party
feeling that they were judged unfairly.
It is better to avoid this by making a conscious decision to work out an
agreement, even if not totally satisfactory.
A good agreement requires compromise, sacrifice and the ability to keep
things in perspective. That is not easy,
but the results can make the effort very worthwhile. On the other hand, being
self-righteous, angry, feeling victimized, needing to malign and put down the
other party invariably leads to more litigation, more legal fees, and the
likelihood of feeling that you did not get a fair shake in court.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your
experiences.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 24.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016</span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 24.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Please note, this blog is for information
purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create
an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question
about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert
to assist you.</span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Call us to schedule a
consultation: 201-801-0455</span></b><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com</span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Web Site: </span></b><a href="http://www.jdgordonlaw.com/"><b><span style="color: #888888; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">www.jdgordonlaw.com</span></b></a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Tweet Me: @jdgordonlaw; follow me on
FaceBook</span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-37194385113935205162016-01-20T14:05:00.001-05:002016-01-20T14:05:18.366-05:00<div style="text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: #2f5496; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">INFIDELITY, FAMILY COURT </span></b><b style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">& EMOTIONS</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.48px;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 26.4px;"><span style="color: blue;"> </span></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s1600/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #888888; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s1600/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="253" /></a></span></b></div>
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<b style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> The
stereotypic divorce drama, involving the private detective trailing the
cheating spouse is now less frequently seen in Family Court, at least in New
Jersey where I practice. Since the
passage of the NJ “No fault divorce law” in 2007, it is much easier and simpler
to get a divorce for no particular reason other than “irreconcilable
differences” that must have have lasted for at least six months before the filing
of the Complaint for Divorce. No trial necessary to prove these grounds, no
requirement to be specific about what the irreconcilable differences are or how
they arose. Just the six month requirement.
So why use the grounds of adultery (among others) at all? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> The
Courts are not really interested in marital fault any more unless there are
substantial issues of physical or financial injury such as the major
dissipation of marital assets, spousal violence resulting in injury, and some
others. Without getting into a
discussion about these here, they can be called “marital torts” (for which
money damages may be awarded) that essentially co-exist in parallel with the divorce
litigation. That will be the subject of
another column. Other than marital torts
(called “Tevis claims” in NJ, named after Tevis v. Tevis, 79 <u>N.J</u>. 422
(1979)), that are successfully litigated, a Judge will not financially favor a
litigant who complains about their estranged spouse committing adultery, for
example. So the Court will not award
more alimony or any damages, or attorneys’ fees for being on the receiving end
of infidelity. The Courts do not care
how many people your spouse slept with or what gender their partner was. In that case, why do people bother? Usually anger drives this choice, as well as the
grounds of Extreme Cruelty.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Grounds for Divorce</span></u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Divorcing
over grounds of extreme cruelty or adultery enables the litigant to write a
Certification, a sworn narrative that details as many specific details about
the marital infidelity and/or extreme cruelty (e.g. being humiliated, insulted,
treated in an emotionally abusive manner, etc.) that may have taken place over
the course of the marriage. For someone
who is hurt, devastated, angry, or just wants to vent their marital
experiences, this is an opportunity. On an emotional level, the angry spouse
wants the Judge to know what happened. The spouse’s fantasy here is that the
Judge will be outraged too. But that is just a fantasy since it will not happen.
Sometimes, however, it is recommended to
detail these events in the Complaint to illustrate the spouse’s character,
personality and violent or addictive tendencies (for example) and history when
custody of children is involved. But adultery
alone is not a reason for the Court to award primary custody of a child to the
non-cheating spouse. It is simply not a shocker anymore, and is so common as to
be mundane in the courtroom context. While the non-cheating spouse may be
outraged and devastated, the Court will not be unless something put the
children at risk or has the real potential to do so (e.g. having an affair with
an alcoholic, a felon, sex offender, or drug dealer, etc.). But even then, the
financial outcome of the divorce is essentially the same, although a Judge may
issue orders preventing the new partner (of any party for that matter) from any
contact with the children if it there is a risk of harm<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Why Infidelity?<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Why
do people have affairs, anyway? On the
extreme end of the spectrum Some people who suffer from sexual addiction may be
compelled to engage in serial sexual encounters due to their dysfunction. But that is a disorder, requiring treatment
like any other addiction. It manifests
itself in chronic sexual acting out behavior. It is not because the cheater
fell out of love with their spouse, or that the spouse refuses sexual
relations. It is rather, a compulsive behavior that is difficult if not
impossible to resist.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Some
have affairs out of chronic anger or long term pent-up resentment against their
spouse for a variety of possible reasons (may be called “excuses” or “rationalizations”
by some). Anger, as I have stated elsewhere, can be a catalyst for change, or
can be a destructive force if the anger is held inside, festering and getting
in the way of love. Infidelity is often an act of anger against the resented
spouse. Some examples of underlying “reasons”
acting as a wedge between the couple, thereby estranging them from each other
over time, could include: Disagreements over money management and spending,
meddling family members, the lack of sexual chemistry or lack of desire by a
spouse, untreated alcoholism or substance abuse, employment problems, etc. just
to name a few. Lack of sexual desire could happen after a woman has a child or
after menopause, or for both genders could be the result of depression, anxiety,
substance or alcohol abuse, etc. A
couple could drift apart because of the stress that a child with medical
problems or handicapping conditions could generate, not to mention the need to
focus on that child. The family dynamic that led to an infidelity could be
complex and multifaceted and is a therapy issue.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">But a cheating spouse could cheat without
having any perceptible animosity or resentment toward their spouse. A cheating spouse could cheat because of
falling in love with someone with whom they interact on a regular basis, such
as a co-worker. This may be an insidious process that grows over time. It is possible that this cheating spouse can
love both the spouse and the lover at the same time, differently, without
having any desire to leave the marriage, without having any angry reason to
have had an affair. In this scenario,
the cheating spouse carves out a separate and distinct relationship with the
lover and with the unsuspecting spouse, as if in two separate worlds kept
insulated from each other. While this is
difficult to get away with over a long period of time, some have this kind of relationship
with two partners: a spouse and a lover, for years. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> How
much energy it takes to maintain a secret, other-life in addition to the
marriage, may be huge and emotionally draining.
At some point, the cheating spouse may opt to leave one of the partners
because they cannot maintain the fiction at home and keep a lover and spouse
happy at the same time. Or subconsciously, that cheating spouse may allow
him/herself to be discovered and this will force the inevitable and dramatic outcome
on that person. Unless the couple wish to go for marriage counseling to work on
their issues, the trauma to the marriage may be insurmountable (with or without
therapy). Or they may be able to salvage
their relationship if the motivation is there. But damage is done and it is
usually difficult (but not impossible) to re-establish trust after such an
event. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Emotional Care</span></u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> A
spouse discovering infidelity should immediately get a qualified therapist to
help to emotionally process what happened in a productive manner, to prevent
impulsive and reactive behavior that could ultimately be self-defeating or self-destructive. If possible, marriage counseling should be
considered, but at the very least, individual counseling. The pain of discovery of the affair is great,
and if the infidelity is seen as a back-stabbing betrayal, it will take time to
heal. A support network will be helpful, but not if the support network vilifies
and demonizes the cheating spouse. How could that possibly help the
non-cheating spouse in any way except to encourage that person to be a victim? The support network would not know the details
and inner workings of the marital dynamics and history. The one seeking support would be well advised
to realize this and to request not to have their spouse (the parent of the
children) become the target of hatred, vilification and disparagement,
especially within earshot of the children.
It is up to the perceived victim of the cheating spouse to control the
environment, including the reactions of family and well-intentioned friends.
This can be done by polite requests not to disparage their spouse, regardless
of how heinous others think he/she is for what they did. The hurt and emotional upheaval that ensues should
not be shared with the children since it will not be to their benefit. It will
hurt them. So it takes great efforts to act in a healthy fashion after a major
betrayal from a spouse or partner. Letting
it all out at once in a destructive manner will make things worse. Regardless of the ubiquity of infidelity
these days, it can be a devastating experience for most. That is why a
therapist can help and this should not be delayed. Ironically, a victim of
domestic violence or a spouse’s affair who cannot cope, may find themselves under
scrutiny by the Court if children are getting exposed to undue emotional
reactions, or attempts at alienation from the other parent. When everyone is
under a microscope in Family Court, being in control of one’s emotions and
putting the children first is essential.
You’re in enough pain already. Don’t make it worse by losing control. If
there is acrimony between the spouses, the cheating spouse will not miss the
opportunity to make it look like the non-cheating spouse is unstable and unfit.
Regardless of the legitimacy of the reasons for the outrage, the expression of
that outrage can be self-defeating and even self-destructive. Don’t let that
happen. Don’t fall into that trap
because it can and will be used against you by the other spouse if there is an
agenda to do so. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Effects on Children<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">The discovery of an affair, while
devastating a marriage, can also have major effects on the children of the
marriage, whether minors or emancipated adult children. At times, the children will side with the
non-cheating spouse (perceived to be the victim or unhappy underdog). This can lead to severe estrangement of the
children from the cheating parent, along with other possible emotional results
in the children. It doesn’t help if the
non-cheating spouse rants constantly to the children what a creep the other
parent is. This kind of reaction does
great damage to children. Some parents
cannot filter out their feelings to protect their children, thereby using the
children as sounding boards or worse yet, therapists for the parent. This does untold damage to children such as
causing depression, behavioral acting out, anger management issues, or a child
who becomes “parentified”. The
parentified child overly identifies with the needy parent, acts to nurture, calm
and reassure that seemingly fragile parent. This child may also act in a parental role for
a younger sibling, if the grieving parent cannot. The parentified child may
stay home more, have less interactions with his or her friends and be less of a
child then he/she should be for their age. (less play, more taking care of a
parent in need). It is unnatural and not
healthy since it is the parent who is supposed to nurture the child, not the
other way around. </span><span style="color: #4472c4;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26.4px;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016</b></span></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: blue;">Call us to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455</span></span></b></h3>
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<b style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u><br /></u></b>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-19458124716497291262016-01-04T12:35:00.002-05:002016-01-04T12:35:34.097-05:00<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
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<b style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Parallel Parenting or “Split the Child in Two”</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.48px;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"> </span></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s1600/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #888888; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s1600/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="253" /></a></span></b></div>
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<b style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</u></b></div>
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<span style="color: #2f5496; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">In divorce or uncoupling with
children, there are many instances where the parents cannot communicate with
each other, cannot or will not cooperate with each other, and in other respects
continue the acrimony that existed since the demise of their relationship.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Obviously, for two individuals to share
parental responsibilities effectively, there must be a basic level of
cooperative civility and communication related to the best interests of their
children.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Some are able to pull this
off and their children only benefit from their parents presenting a unified,
supportive and nurturant presence in their lives.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">But many divorced or otherwise uncoupled
parents cannot stop hating the other.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">
</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">They carry their sense of betrayal, hurt feelings, perceived victimization
and anger with them all the time.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">It is
very difficult for them to hide their feelings, to keep from making comments
to, or in front of, their children.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">That
parent truly believes that they are the better parent (or the only parent that
matters), regardless of the reality.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">
</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Maybe that parent is, or is not the better parent.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">In a high-conflict divorce with children, the
parties often have a parent coordinator appointed by the Court, to mediate the
day-to-day conflicts related to parenting time and children’s activities, among
other things. This can keep the parties out of Court, and enable the parties to
avoid direct dealings with the other. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Sometimes in cases where both parents are
clearly acting at odds with each other, to the detriment of the children, a
Court may appoint a Guardian </span><i style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">ad litem</i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">
for the children who will act as an investigative attorney to report on the
children’s best interests to the Court.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Let’s say a couple got divorced and
live more than a short local distance from each other, perhaps a 30-60 minute
ride between homes. In a case where both
parents have a significant amount of overnights—more than just every other
weekend for the non-primary residential parent—then you might find a scenario
where both parents set up their own separate worlds between which the children
move back and forth. Recently, this
phenomenon has been dubbed “parallel parenting”, since each parent sets up
their own choices of activities, doctors, friends, and sometimes pre-schools,
for their children. So the children here
would have two doctors, two soccer teams, two sets of friends, two birthday
parties, etc. The parents’ wish is to
set up a scenario where they can have a life with their children, to the
exclusion of any communication or interactions with the other parent. But what effect does this have on the
children?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Unfortunately, there are no
longitudinal data available to support the benefits or detriments of this setup
on children. But logically, how could
this go on indefinitely? A child living in two separate worlds eventually will
have to merge some activities of those worlds.
The child can only go to one elementary school by Kindergarten age. If there are two pediatricians, will one
communicate with each other? What if one
doctor prescribes something for the child while at one parent’s house, what if
the other parent’s pediatrician disagrees with the treatment? What about orthodontics? Does the child have to belong to two soccer
leagues, and what if one league’s game conflicts with the other league’s
game? It can get crazy, for the sake of
setting up two distinct worlds for the child.
Who is this really for?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> It is likely, despite the stated
goals of each parent to set up a wonderful, calm world for their child, that
there is a certain amount of narcissism or parental selfishness operating
within each world. The disdain by one parent for the other parent continues to
exist, and it is unlikely that the children would be totally insulated from
their respective parents’ feelings about the other. Comments are made by a parent or relatives,
facial expressions are revealing, and there is a rigidity within each parent’s
structure that the child has to live with. It promotes the ongoing
competitiveness between the parents to create the “better” world, to
insidiously seduce the children toward one parent more than the other. The parent(s) may or may not be consciously
aware of this underlying motive or dynamic, and may strongly disagree that they
are motivated by selfish motives. But
pronouncing that you are doing something that is good for your children does
not necessarily make it good, even if you sincerely believe it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Parallel parenting postpones the
inevitable, putting off the time in the future when the parents will actually
have to swallow their anger and hurt feelings, move on and get along for the
benefit of their children. At some
point, the children, being forced into this parent-focused structure, will
resent it and perhaps resent it a lot and rebel. This lifestyle is a dressed-up
version of the Disneyland parent, disguised as a child-friendly structure,
which it often is not. Do the parents
ever intend to participate together to plan a wedding? How about the children
going to college? Do the parents ever
intend to discuss where their children will go to school, if and when cars will
be purchased, trips abroad for study opportunities, etc.? Will the parents ever have to sit down to
discuss their child’s emotional and social development, especially when there
are problems? And if so, will they do it
without finger-pointing, blaming the other parent? It is inevitable that the parents will have
to become grownups if they are going to truly make their children comfortable,
conflict free, and well-adjusted as adults.
It is inevitable that at some point, the parallel worlds will have to
converge to some extent. The fantasy that one can parent children while
completely insulated from the other parent is actually not a nice thing, and
perpetuates the pre split-up demonization of the other parent (now perhaps
unstated overtly, but still running in the background). Here, freezing out the
other parent substitutes for the demonization.
Nothing more need be said about the other parent. Rather here, having set up one’s separate
sphere of parenting implies the non-existence of the other parent, and that
message is clearly sent to the children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Unless the other parent is a danger to the children, is an active
alcoholic or substance abuser, is emotionally or physically abusive or truly
neglectful to the children, is morally lacking or engages in criminal behavior,
then there is no excuse for one parent being quarantined by the other. It is not for the children’s benefit as much
as it is for the parents’ selfish needs. There is no evidence that this is good
for children. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> If a divorced couple continue to hate each other after the divorce (and
this also applies to unmarried parents who split up, obviously), unless
otherwise contraindicated by a history of domestic violence or other
pathological conditions such as substance abuse and alcoholism, etc., then they
should seriously consider counseling to enable them to learn to put their
history aside and work together at least minimally, for their children’s best
interests. In the event that one individual’s
emotional state is such that they are filled with hatred for their former
partner, and that person cannot move on and let it go (whatever “it” was), then
individual psychotherapy should be considered.
Walking around chronically with anger, hatred of another person, tension
or high anxiety over anticipated dealings with that hated person (vis-à-vis an
event with the children), then recognizing that this is unhealthy would be a
good first step. Hating another person doesn’t hurt the hated person; it cannot
be felt by that person. Rather, it eats
away at the insides of the hater. The
anxiety over dealing with someone who hurt another (emotionally) is a problem
for the anxious person, not the hurtful person.
I would strongly recommend that someone who suffers these emotions in
silence would be well advised to go for assistance to learn better coping
methods. It would feel better to learn to
be indifferent to the other person and to be enabled to deal with them in a
problem-solving manner for the sake of child-related issues that will come up
for the parents. You can be indifferent (emotionless) to another person while
continuing a working relationship with that person for some higher purpose. There is a big difference between having a
negative <u>opinion</u> of another (e.g. “that person is selfish and uncaring”),
and having your intestines twisted into a knot over any thought of that person.
You can have a negative opinion, accepting that the other parent is a flawed individual
with whom you would rather not hang out.
You can nevertheless simultaneously communicate civilly and make a plan
on behalf of your children with that person. Demonizing and marginalizing the
other parent accomplishes nothing, but it hurts the kids.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Parallel parenting pretends the other parent does not exist. But that is a
fallacy in most cases. That person once
worked with you (one way of putting it) to create a child with you. That person is a necessary, not expendable
component of parenting your children and it is good for your children to have
both parents working with each other for their benefit if it is at all possible,
even if it causes the adults some discomfort. </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26.4px;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2016</b></span></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></span></span></b></div>
<h3 style="margin: 0px; position: relative; text-align: center;">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-8952023381900060942015-08-20T19:02:00.002-04:002015-08-20T19:02:30.817-04:00<br />
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<span style="color: #44546a; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-themecolor: text2;"> </span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;">When the Victim Becomes the Bad Guy</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2015</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue;"> </span></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; line-height: 18.4799995422363px; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s1600/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #888888; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s1600/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="253" /></a></span></b></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; line-height: 18.4799995422363px; text-align: center;">
<b style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="color: #44546a; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-themecolor: text2;"> </span><b style="color: blue; line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></b><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">How could it possibly
happen? That is, how can a victim of
domestic violence become perceived as a malicious, alienating parent? Repeated appearances in Family Court can cause
a revised perception of who the victim is.
I’ve seen it happen. For example,
take the (fictional) case of a mom, the victim of many years of serious
physical abuse from her husband whose children grow up witnessing many such
incidents over their childhood. They become
estranged from their father (who makes counterclaims of abuse by the mother
toward him and says to the Judge that all he wants is to see his kids, and that
she is trying to alienate them against him). Other incidents transpire after
the divorce, after which the children may stop spending any time with dad. Years
go by. He alleges parental alienation.
Everyone goes through psychological evaluations with written reports, multiple
court appearances before numerous judges over years. This is after the divorce—post Judgment. The judges get sick of hearing over and over that
the kids won’t spend any time with their father, who appears to be sincere to
the Judge, or puts on a convincing act. Orders for parenting time are written and not complied with. The kids don’t want to see their father. They
refuse to listen to their mother when she tells them to go. Maybe she doesn’t insist hard enough. No one knows what the actual conversation is.
The children are either afraid or bored, resentful or disconnected from that
parent. They don’t want to get on the phone to have a conversation. Maybe they hate the estranged parent. Maybe
the mom was not so careful about things she said in front of the children in
the past. We don’t know. Maybe that can be called alienation, maybe not,
depending on who you are representing. Whether or not mom attempted to alienate the children, she will be accused of it nevertheless. Same holds true for the opposite scenario,
when the father is the primary parent of residence and the children won’t go to
visit mom.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Take another fictional scenario
where the abusive or emotionally challenged parent does something bad, such as
not returning the kids to mom from a parenting time weekend, or maybe
worse. Perhaps some other event transpired
in the past to cause the court to order supervised visitation, or limited
visitation. At some point, in the
absence of further episodes of poor judgment and bad behavior, the court will become frustrated
with the ongoing litigation, of the repetitive claims from the parent who must
be supervised that he/she only wants to spend time with their child who they
love. The Court will put whatever safeguards in place that are realistic,
necessary and that keep the children safe from harm. But for how long? Usually, not forever is the answer.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> In the absence of continued bad
behavior, the court, depending on the circumstances, may have the tendency to
allow the lessening of sanctions that were in place against the misbehaving
parent. Unless we are talking about
sexual molestation or serious, documented child abuse. But a court, given a respectful and
cooperative parent who is under the microscope or on a judicially imposed "short leash", may be
inclined to lessen the strictures, in the interests of re-establishing
“normalized” contact between that parent and the children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> How about the parent whose ex-spouse
has a history of severe mental illness and feels he/she must restrict contact
between the mentally ill parent and the children? The court agreed long ago and gave the healthy
parent full custody of the kids. Now,
however, the ex-spouse has been stable, in treatment, and seeking expanded
parenting time for a few years now. How much stability is long enough? What about the children who witnessed their
parent being unstable, as well as overhearing their custodial parent (and
perhaps new spouse) discussing the mental illness in the next room? The children grow away from the mentally ill
parent, become anxious or embarrassed (spill-over from the seemingly anxious
custodial parent?) and would rather not resume visitation beyond a certain
point, if at all. How much of the
estrangement stems directly from the actual behavior of the parent with
emotional illness, and how much was fed by the divorce process and the fact
that the custodial parent had the upper hand and took advantage of the other parent’s period
of destabilization?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> The parent with full time
residential custody (let’s call her Mom for the purposes of this discussion,
but it could just as well be Dad) is understandably reticent, suspicious,
fearful of loosening up on those restraints against Dad. A spouse who endured a terrible marital
history does not forget what transpired. Now, after years have gone by, that
custodial parent has stability, a lifestyle with the children that he/she has
control over, without interference or further damage inflicted by the ex-spouse
or partner. But how much time in exile
is enough? At what point does the
residential parent acquire an affirmative obligation to help re-establish a
relationship with the non-residential parent?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> A recurrent problem in Family Court
is the revolving door of Judges who rotate in, and then out into other
divisions (i.e. Civil, Criminal, etc.).
Regardless of the reasons, whether it be a shortage of judges, or
administrative reassignments for a variety of reasons, it is common for long
term litigants to experience multiple judges in their cases. That is a weakness in the system, but it is a
recurrent reality for many parents who rely on Family Court to intercede
because they cannot control the situation at home without such assistance. For parents who have undergone numerous
forensic psychological evaluations with their children, there could be as many
as a half dozen psychological reports in the Court’s voluminous files, some contradicting
each other, and many of them stale from age.
What was diagnosed as a personality disorder five or even eight years ago,
can be newly perceived as something no longer as relevant to today’s issues,
maybe even divorce-related conflict that brought out the worst in everyone. Some Judges
order updated psychological evaluations before making any changes. But many
people cannot afford the new evaluations which can cost between $3,000 and
$8,000. So in a residential parent who
is financially strapped, that parent’s reluctance or inability to quickly come
up with the money for the evaluation, can be perceived as obstructive and
sabotaging. To make matters worse, in a
very contentious case, the Court can appoint a Guardian <i>ad litem</i> to represent the child’s best interests to the
Court. The Court can also appoint a
Parent Coordinator to manage problems that come up pertaining to
parenting time, vacations, school events, etc., to help the parties avoid filing
multiple motions in the court. The worst case scenario is when a financially
strapped parent must come up with money to pay (all or a portion of) an updated
psychological evaluation, <u>and</u> funds for a Guardian <i>ad litem </i>and Parent Coordinator’s retainers. Potentially, such a
parent could have to come up with $10-15,000 at once, based on the Court’s
orders. That is in addition to paying
their own attorney and court costs. The court sees the current situation as urgent for the sake of the children’s best
interests, which it actually might be, and the Judge is less sympathetic about
one’s financial problems, telling the parent, “You’ll have to come up with the
money somehow”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> How long is long enough for a parent
to be supervised during parenting time? How long is long enough for a parent to
be emotionally stable and highly functioning before a court will allow more
contact—even unsupervised contact—with their children? How long is long enough for an estranged
parent to wait to begin reunification therapy with their child? At what point does legitimate fear of an
ex-spouse become perceived as malice toward that parent or neuroticism? At what point does the Court get frustrated
and annoyed because perhaps that (fearful) parent does not “snap out of it”,
“get over it” and “move on” with their lives “for the sake of their
children”? Some professionals (such as a
Parent Coordinator or Guardian <i>ad litem)</i>
could eventually come to blame a parent-victim of domestic violence for letting
her (or his) anxiety “spill over” onto the child, thereby causing the child to
fear the previously abusive parent. A
reticent victim-parent could be perceived as uncooperative or alienating and in
need of psychotherapy (which may be accurate).
How much spillover of a parent’s emotions is avoidable and how much is
not? What about the non-verbal cues to a
child that telegraph disapproval, anxiety, anger or revulsion toward the other
parent? How can a Court monitor and control
all of that, prevent that, eliminate it from the total picture? The answer is that a Court cannot do that,
but it can take drastic action when all else seems to fail.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> In many if not all States, a Family
Court judge in his/her discretion may take drastic action to reverse perceived
alienation of children by a residential parent.
Judges may order fines or financial sanctions, attorneys’ fees paid to
the petitioning parent, or even order an
abrupt change of custody. When this
happens, the children, depending on their age, can have extreme reactions,
emotional trauma and experience a chaos that they never anticipated. Or perhaps
they may benefit and get to know a parent who they previously had nothing to do
with. It is well established that
sometimes, when a Court is certain that one parent is causing alienation of the
children against the non-residential parent, that a total change in custody may
be the only, albeit drastic, solution. But no Judge can be certain of the
outcome of that decision. Some children
will get used to the estranged parent and see that he/she isn’t that bad, and
even may begin to re-establish a relationship. But that is probably the
exception rather than the rule. Other children who are already estranged from
their noncustodial parent may suffer significant emotional trauma including
depression, anxiety, behavioral problems and a decrease in school
performance. When abrupt changes in
custody are ordered, Judges differ in the kinds of supports that may or may not
be put into place. For example, a Judge
might order a custody change for a finite amount of time, along with mandatory concurrent
counseling for the children and parents. A mental
health professional might be put into place who could visit the new residential
parent’s home with the children to do on-site counseling or observations. To
provide no mental health supports, assumes that the children are going to do
well, and that is probably not the case.
There, the children may feel abandoned by the system and even by their
previous custodial parent. Once a
change of residential custody is ordered, it can take a long, long time to
complete all of the evaluations and court dates that need to take place before that parent can get the kids back. If the court begins to perceive the residential parent
as a problem, then the former parent-in-control becomes the parent under-a-microscope, vulnerable to criticism and parental compromises.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Parents on both sides need to
realize that over time, Judges get sick of hearing the same arguments, seeing
the same litigation papers, lawyers and allegations that have been intrinsic to
that case for years. A new Judge on such
a case, will not have the same <i>feel </i>of
the case that might be several storage boxes big, even if that Judge read
everything in the boxes. It is simply
human to see two people in Court who have years of horrible history between
them, and for a Judge to tell them that they need to stop, to move on, to
co-parent, and act reasonably for the sake of their children. To a victim of abuse, that might sound like
the Judge is saying “enough already”, “snap out of it and move on”. Easier said
than done. And is that a reasonable
message for the Court to send? In some
cases the answer is yes. In some cases, there is actual malice on the part of
the residential parent (however well-justified it might have been in the past).
Or, the malice might be out of irrational anger and a desire to unnecessarily
hurt the other. Either way, the children
are harmed emotionally, lose out on having two parents, and it is the Court’s
job to make sure that does not happen, or remain that way. Is it reasonable, however, for a Court
to tell a victim of domestic violence to move on? Many victims suffer from chronic Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder and carry the emotional damage and pain from the domestic
violence wherever they go. It doesn’t go away easily and unfortunately, not every victim is
in therapy to process the trauma. Accordingly there is a tension between the
children’s right to have two parents and to spend time with them (assuming the
exiled parent is not dangerous to their safety or well-being), and the
residential parent’s need to feel safe, stable and able to care for the
children without undue interference. At what
point does the residential parent’s history with the exiled parent become less
relevant to the children’s right to have a relationship with that parent? Judges have a limited tolerance for indulging
that history unless there is a documented ongoing risk to the children from the
non-residential parent who remains uncooperative or untreated (by a mental
health professional as previously ordered, for example). So at some point in the endless post-Divorce
litigation, the Court can seemingly "turn" against the victim when the victim begins to
be perceived as an impediment to progress.
What is clear, is that the longer a child has minimal or no contact with
their estranged parent, the harder it will be to undo the damage done to the parent-child
bond.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> All of the above scenarios are
fact-sensitive and vary from Judge to Judge, from Court to Court, and from
State to State. Suffice it to say that
there is so much ambiguity and psychological undercurrent in cases such as
these that a detailed dissection of those issues sometimes has to take place by
forensic evaluators so that the Court can proceed with more confidence that it
is doing the right thing for the children.
The Court is less concerned with what is fair to an individual parent
than what is in the best interests of the children. That is the primary mission of the Family
Court in these matters, and there is a sense of urgency to <i>fix</i> the problem before too many years go by and it becomes too late
to undo the damage.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <b>Recommendations
for the <u>residential</u> parent in these scenarios</b>:</span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Have a therapist who is skilled and experienced treating this kind of
case, help you with all of your issues and try your best to process whatever
trauma you went through in a therapeutic, constructive manner;</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Try not to be overprotective of your child; Try to self-monitor your
comments and body language, in talking about the other parent, in front of your
child;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do not say negative things about the other parent to your child (even if
you think those things are true); do not discuss the litigation; do not blame;
do not play the victim role, even if you were indeed the victim;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Encourage the child to participate in, and to enjoy their parenting time (and
phone calls, etc.) with the other parent unless prohibited by the Court;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Try to separate your feelings about the other parent from the child’s need
to have a second parent.</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Some (but not
all) horrible spouses are good, loving parents;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Follow all court orders. If something comes up that prevents you from
complying with a court order, have your attorney advise you promptly.</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do not get overly confident that the court
will not look to you in a critical manner.</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">You could be put under the microscope at some point, due to
circumstances</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">or perhaps because there
is a new judge, or your ex makes a disturbing allegation about you, or because
parenting time is not being complied with.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do your best to insist that your children comply with parenting time and
phone calls as ordered. If they do not
take place, you will be held accountable. If you use the argument that the
children refuse, you will be scolded by the court, that you allow your children
to run the show. It may be unfair, but
you should expect this.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Remember that the more court involvement, the less control you have over
your own life and your own children.</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Being in court means that you are asking a stranger in a black robe to
make decisions or impose interventions that you and your ex were not able to do
on your own, for the benefit of your children. You may see yourself as the
victim, but you should expect to be blamed as well, at some point.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: .25in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Recommendations for the <u>non-residential</u>
parent in these scenarios</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> Get a therapist, if not already appointed for you, to help you to
understand what happened that led to this current situation; strengthen your
coping skills, interpersonal skills, and your parenting skills; do more than
you were ordered to do; try to get control of the negative behaviors that
formed a wedge between you and your child (e.g. alcohol, substance abuse, anger
management, lack of empathy, etc.);</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> Don’t blame the other parent; Don’t play the victim role;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> Don’t over-do your limited parenting time with lavish gifts, over-the-top
activities, or other extreme courtship techniques to make up for lost time.
While that might “wow” the child for a time, it is exhausting, expensive and
does not build strong character. Sending
the message to a child that you will buy anything or do anything for their
love, will end up corrupting their behavior toward you and will potentially
create a manipulative and superficial child who will only be happy when you
give that child a new gift. Love cannot
be bought.</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> Take responsibility for what transpired, and determine not to let that
behavior repeat itself. Sometimes an apology goes a long way, whether to a
child or to an ex spouse. Arrogantly
denying your role to the judge, and blaming the other parent, will not be well
received and will not be to your benefit.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> Do not say anything negative to the child about their residential parent
(even if you think they are alienating and malicious or plain crazy); do not
discuss the litigation.</span><span style="color: blue; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> Follow all Court Orders; show up on time for all parenting time, make all
phone calls you are entitled to, be up-beat and optimistic. Make your
interactions with your child about the child, not all about you. That means
showing empathy, expressing an interest in the child’s daily life (i.e.
friends, school, extracurricular activities, etc.) and actively listening to
the child rather than interrogating, lecturing or overly talking about
yourself. Attend your AA meetings without fail, if that is relevant to your
case. Or attend your parenting skills or anger management classes religiously
and consistently. Complete everything and jump through every hoop that the
court imposed on you. Stop resenting it and fighting the process. Realize that
your own actions for the most part, are what got you to this position. </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 200%; text-indent: -0.25in;">There are no easy answers, nor are situations usually black and white. The court has to go through a process that can be agonizing, for the sake of protecting the children who cannot protect themselves. In any event, the bottom line is that children are entitled to both parents, if at all possible and if it is safe for them to be cared for by those parents. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26.3999996185303px; text-indent: 48px;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2015</span></div>
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<h3 style="text-align: center;">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-54508409007488045912015-02-11T14:58:00.002-05:002015-02-11T14:58:11.742-05:00<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: blue;">Losing
Control and Getting it Back</span></span></b></h3>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: blue;">In Family
Court</span></span></b></h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2015</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">
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<b><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s1600/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQB2K60PEMyf97KINvPq5cG3DfInD37h2yp5S6bJXtVXLEFuXb30nrsQKuREKJTccoALTMaK818aUQnO_-dQvgNVQ5DcV2AMmBxNu7MYeCP4ogw-K7WVLHtkUD1ke5Y1ziGapMHPQnAHqx/s1600/NEW+HEAD+SHOT2015-02-1010.39.14.jpg" height="320" width="253" /></a></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Psychologically speaking, we often deal with
dynamics of control, power, victimization and victim-hood in Family Court
litigation. For example, in domestic
violence proceedings, we hear about domination and control wielded by an abuser
over the victim in a relationship. It is
very difficult for someone, abused and controlled by an authoritarian, abusive
partner, to break out of that pattern.
When that happens, it is often after a violent upheaval, or other
cathartic event that takes place between the two. An abusive partner (can be spouse,
non-spouse, he, she, etc.) is often very controlling of the other person, using
the victim’s fear, or enforcing the tight control of information (e.g. finances,
income, expenses, etc.) as weapons against the victim or weaker party in that
relationship. In many cases, Police and
Court intervention, a resulting restraining order, separation, divorce,
supportive and interventional therapy and a termination of the abusive
relationship will be essential for the victim to take control of their life,
perhaps for the first time. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> The control of knowledge makes for a gross
imbalance of power between two people in a relationship. If a divorcing spouse has no idea how much
income the other makes, where the money goes, how much is spent, how much cash
is in the bank, etc., then that spouse is at a disadvantage. Some sneaky spouses, planning a divorce
without telling their mate, may move money around, hide assets, try to make it
look like they earn less than they do, and set up bank accounts in their own
name or in a relative’s name, to build their own war chest or secret nest egg
for a subsequent life after marriage. In
divorce, there is a discovery process, meaning that each party must divulge all
of their assets and expenses, debts, property, etc. and certify to the Court
that it is true, complete and accurate (under penalty of perjury). If an account is purposely left out of the
list, the Court will be prone to look at this as an attempt to defraud the
Court, with potentially very negative consequences. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Another control issue intrinsic to Family Court
actions is related to children: custody and parenting time. A malicious custodial (residential) parent
who wants to sabotage the other parent’s time with the children can do so. A malicious non-custodial parent can also
control time by showing up late with the child, among other things. But such actions are at the peril of the
sabotaging parent. Examples of wrongful
control of parenting time may include such items as scheduling a doctor’s appointment
during the other parent’s time, signing up a child for ballet lessons that
coincide with the other parent’s time, etc. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Attempts to control the affections of the child
are not unusual, but they are very destructive to the child. For example, a parent can disparage the other
parent to the child, or in front of the child.
The worst form of this may include a parent who files false allegations
of abuse against the other parent to gain some advantage either in Court or in
parenting time. A parent can also spend
a ton of money on a child to compete with the other spouse (who is usually not
in a position to compete equally) to be the “favorite” parent. The other parent cannot control where the
other parent takes the child (e.g. Disney World, cruises, etc.). The more affluent parent, even if not the
primary residential custodian, has the control of choice vacations, expensive
presents, pets, expensive electronic devices, etc. Access to money affords more control in many
cases, if not all. But later on, the child resents it and is well aware of the
manipulation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Substance abuse, alcoholism and serious mental
health issues are dealt with in Family Court as well, especially when it
involves spousal abuse or affects children.
One can superficially conceptualize substance abuse and alcohol abuse to
be failures of self-control and good judgment.
Self-sabotaging behavior can be seen as relinquishing control of one’s
future, one’s success, over one’s relationships, etc. It is a passive relinquishment of control,
perhaps due to a fear of failure, expectation of failure due to low self-esteem,
and a habitual approach of relinquishing personal responsibility. It is easier for some to play the victim role
and to blame another, than to assume personal responsibility and to take the
wheel on their own personal road to potential success.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Whenever there is litigation in Family Court,
whether in child custody and parenting time disputes, or in domestic violence,
child abuse, or in high conflict divorces, there are usually issues of control,
or the loss of control. Court is the
ultimate control. Judges often tell litigants
for example, that if they cannot figure out or agree on what is good for their
child, that the Judge will do it for them, telling the parents that it is
preferable for the parents to make these decisions rather than “a stranger in
black robes” doing it for them. But it
is the Court’s role to take control when it is appropriate and necessary to do
so, issuing orders that must be complied with.
A restraining order is an example of a complete reversal of the power
dynamics, with the formerly controlling abuser now being restrained,
controlled, kicked out of the residence, given strict parenting times, being
forced to send support checks, or having bank accounts frozen by the
Court. Karma!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Police exist to protect the public, partially
(among other things) by taking control of situations that are out-of-control. There,
the ultimate control is arrest and incarceration. The mental health system also can assume
control, perhaps by having a patient who is dangerous to themselves or others
involuntarily committed as an in-patient until control and safety are
re-established (perhaps with the assistance of medications). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">In acrimonious divorces, the Court attempts,
through the implementation of its control, to level the playing field between
two spouses, to ensure fairness, to make sure that no one is victimized by the
other. That can entail freezing
accounts, or generating orders to pay the other party’s attorney’s fees, and
other expenses. Obviously it is better
for two people to operate in good faith with each other before it comes to this,
but if they got along so well, perhaps they would not be getting divorced in
the first place.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> </span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> In child abuse and neglect proceedings, the
paramount concern for the Court is the safety of the child. That is one type of Family Court proceeding
that is marked by a great amount of control, necessarily imposed upon the
parent(s) to ensure no further incidents of abuse or neglect take place. There, the Court acts in the place of the parent
and in extreme cases, the Court can suspend all parenting time, order
supervised parenting time, or terminate parental rights and have a child
adopted by a foster parent. That is
total control. In that setting, the parents lost their parental control as a
result of their own actions. Clearly,
when a parent (noun) cannot parent (verb), a Court will take over the control
by ordering various therapeutic services such as anger management, parenting
skills classes, substance abuse treatment, psychotherapy, etc. Ultimately, that will be to the benefit of
the parent and hopefully to the child. The only way for this parent to take back
control is to comply fully with the Court Orders in good faith.</span></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Taking personal responsibility is the first
step. Then, a person can begin to do
whatever is necessary to improve, become stronger, acquiring better insight,
improved judgment and better self esteem.
The goal should include leaving victimhood and blame behind, becoming
more mature and stronger from the inside out.
The more a person relinquishes control, gives their life over to others
(to control for them), to substances, to the Courts, or even to their children
(who learn to control their own parents), then the more difficult it will be to
break those patterns. Looking to others
to fix things is a short term, stop-gap measure, but depending on others to fix
your life is a dangerous tightrope since there is always a great price to
pay. A person needs their own center of
gravity, their own vision for the future, and a feeling of self-efficacy, independent
of everyone else, while still being in concert with the world (as opposed to being
“anti-social”). Making good choices is
the first step toward this end, even if they are small good choices, one step
at a time.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 26.3999996185303px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-72168198448950218552015-01-29T17:25:00.000-05:002015-01-29T17:25:56.434-05:00<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">ALIENATION
OR JUST BAD BEHAVIOR?</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2015</span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 17.1200008392334px;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></u></b></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 17.1200008392334px;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></u></b></div>
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<b style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">I frequently come across
parents in Family Court who allege <i>Parental
Alienation Syndrome (PAS)</i>. This, for
some, may become a mantra in cases when there is really no alienation, but
rather, a parent wants to either (a) portray him/herself as a victim, or (b) wants
to put the other parent on the defensive for the purposes of litigation,
ongoing harassment, or just plain hostility.
Sometimes a parent will purposely and methodically denigrate the other
parent to a child, may sabotage parenting time with the other parent, and may
do great damage to the child doing so.
We are talking about an otherwise fit alternate parent who is being
marginalized (or eliminated) by the concerted efforts of the residential
parent. This essay is not at all meant
to be a review of the current literature, but rather to air the issues commonly
encountered in Family Court, related to alienation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Parental alienation, when it
is real, can be considered to be a form of child abuse—it is a cruel kind of emotional
abuse. It robs a child of a parent. It is difficult, however, to prove in court
because PAS has no conclusive research to support it as a psychological
syndrome. Even the 5<sup>th</sup>
edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5)<a href="file:///C:/Users/Jonathan/Documents/PERSONAL/BLOGS,%20PUBLICATIONS,%20ETC/Alienation%20and%20bad%20behavior%2001%2029%2015.docx#_edn1" name="_ednref1" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">[i]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a> does not list this as a
diagnosis. Rather, it refers to <i>Parental Relationship Distress </i>in a
separate category (“V-Code”) of conditions that are <u>not</u> mental disorders,
but that may be a source of distress or concern for treatment purposes. (Id.,
p. 715-16).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">It is easier, however, and
more tangible to show a court that the other parent (usually the primary
residential/custodial parent) is acting badly to sabotage the non-residential
parent’s relationship with a child. It
is easier to prove bad behavior than to prove a syndrome which requires
scientific testimony. In Court, expert
testimony has to be based on good scientific underpinnings, helpful to the
Court, and based on methodology and data that are generally accepted within the
scientific community, or the Judge will not let it be admitted into
evidence. In a recent unpublished case<a href="file:///C:/Users/Jonathan/Documents/PERSONAL/BLOGS,%20PUBLICATIONS,%20ETC/Alienation%20and%20bad%20behavior%2001%2029%2015.docx#_edn2" name="_ednref2" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">[ii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a>, the New Jersey Appellate
Division stated that PAS is a “novel” concept that was not yet established as
being scientifically reliable or generally accepted, although it did not
preclude the possibility that this could happen in the future.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Regardless of the controversy
regarding the scientific efficacy of the PAS concept, there is still the
question of how the Court should handle various scenarios when it is clear that
one parent is actively sabotaging a child’s relationship with the other parent. A Court can appoint a forensic mental health
practitioner to assess what exactly is going on, if it is not already clear.
The Court needs also to know the effects on the child. For example, does the child still have any
relationship with the alienated parent?
Does the child have any mental health issues as a result of the parental
behavior? The bottom line is the
inappropriate and damaging behavior of one parent, designed to marginalize or
remove the other parent from the life of the child. A Court can discern if this is happening also
if the residential parent is purposely scheduling appointments or activities
for the child during the other parent’s parenting time. Or, perhaps that parent purposely does not
make the child available for parenting time, tells the child inappropriate
things about the other parent, denigrates that parent and creates a fiction of
dangerousness to the child that does not exist.
In extreme cases, some parents make false allegations of sexual abuse
about the other parent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">How about the parent who
brings about this alienation by his/her own behavior toward the child or to the
other parent (often in front of the child)?
Another term often used to describe these effects is <i>estrangement</i>, although estrangement is
often used synonymously with <i>alienation</i>. Regardless, there are plenty of children who
want nothing to do with the other parent (the “alienated” parent) because of
their having been subjected to abuse, witnessing domestic violence, severe
neglect, or something as simple as chronically being disappointed by that
parent. Years of broken promises, lies,
failures to show up, lack of loving, nurturant behavior toward a child can
result in estrangement. For that parent
to subsequently complain about the child not wanting contact, or refusing to
take the parent’s phone calls is disingenuous.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">The Court has numerous
remedies for alleged alienating behavior on the part of a parent. The Court can impose monetary sanctions,
impose other sanctions such as limiting the time the residential parent has
with that child, or even transfer custody entirely to the alienated
parent. A Court can impose supervised
parenting time for the alienating parent to ensure that nothing bad is said to
the child about the other parent.
Reintroduction therapy or other therapeutic interventions can be set up. Either way, much of this often will come only
after many months or years of active alienation by the parent who is acting
badly. The child may be permanently
damaged by the time that the intervention is put into place and the
estrangement/alienation may be irreversible by then. See my previous blog post on <i>Permanent Damage</i> (January 19, 2015) for
a further discussion about this.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">So any way you slice it, a
parent who intentionally works at alienating a child from the other parent (an
otherwise fit parent) is doing something bad, mean and selfish. It has nothing to do with what is in the
child’s best interests. As I mentioned
above, the exceptions include a child who is necessarily distanced due to a
history of child abuse, sexual assault/molestation, witnessing domestic
violence, being treated badly by the parent in general. Sometimes a parent simply brings it upon
themselves. To play the victim later in court, to make the other parent and the
child jump through the hoops of forensic evaluations and the expense of trials
and arguments in court, is more abuse. It can sometimes amount to harassment
through litigation, and continues putting the child through seemingly endless
interviews and observations. The Judge
needs some time to figure out what is in the child’s best interests, via
assessments and testimony. The Court
starts from the premise of joint legal custody and co-parenting. Anything less has to be justified, based on evidence. Ultimately, if the parents cannot work
together for the best interests of their child, if the parents continue to hate
each other and to compete over their child for their own selfish reasons, then
the Judge will step in and take over the decision making. Both parents may leave court disappointed. They will also leave court with much less
money in their wallets, money that they could have spent on their child’s
future, rather than on trying to obliterate the other parent at the expense of
their child’s mental health.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 26.3999996185303px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2015</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><b><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><a href="file:///C:/Users/Jonathan/Documents/PERSONAL/BLOGS,%20PUBLICATIONS,%20ETC/Alienation%20and%20bad%20behavior%2001%2029%2015.docx#_ednref1" name="_edn1" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[i]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a> American
Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,
Fifth Ed., Arlington, VA, Amer. Psychiatric Assoc., 2013.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
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<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<span style="color: blue;"><a href="file:///C:/Users/Jonathan/Documents/PERSONAL/BLOGS,%20PUBLICATIONS,%20ETC/Alienation%20and%20bad%20behavior%2001%2029%2015.docx#_ednref2" name="_edn2" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[ii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a> M.A.
v. A.I., 2014 WL 7010813 (N.J.Super.A.D.)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-15964419431520661722015-01-19T18:36:00.002-05:002015-01-19T18:40:08.458-05:00<div class="MsoNormal">
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: blue;">PERMANENT DAMAGE:</span></span></u></b></h2>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: blue;">How Parents Lose Their Children Despite the Court<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2015</span></div>
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<b style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</u></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.4; text-align: start;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 21px;"></span></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.3280010223389px; text-align: start;" /></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> One frequently
recurring theme in Family Court is the parents’ right to a relationship with their
children. When a breakup was not
amicable and there are ongoing disputes over parenting time, custody, vacations
or living arrangements, the children of course, suffer. In the course of the breakup, depending on
how long it takes and how much fighting takes place in front of the children,
it is easy to create lifelong damage.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <u>Toxicity<o:p></o:p></u></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Creating damage is
the natural consequence of exposure to something toxic. When children are exposed to their parents
acting in a toxic manner, a variety of outcomes can ensue, none of them good. For example, it is difficult for many parents
to wait until the kids are in school to have their arguments. In a divorce, it is not unusual during the
divorce for the entire family to (be forced to) be together after school,
during dinnertime, evenings and weekends, until the parents actually
separate. During the divorce process,
just being in the same house together is unpleasant, tense, weird, especially
for the children (depending on their ages).
Hearing loud arguments, even from the next room, can be scary. Living in
a cold, loveless household is lonely.
Having one parent threatening the other, seeing a parent crying, is
worse. It makes a child feel unsafe,
terrified, and ultimately, angry. If
there is domestic violence, the results are much worse when children are home
and witness a physical assault or its aftermath.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> The Courts usually
will not allow the perpetrator of domestic violence to remain in the home with
the victim and the children. When children
witness verbal or physical violence, it pushes the child away from the parent
who is violent or emotionally abusive.
It may create in the child a pseudo-parentified role if that child
becomes the victim’s comforter and protector.
Many times, an abused parent will confide inappropriately to a child who
is ill-equipped emotionally or in maturity to be a parent to their own
parent. Sometimes a parent need not say
anything to the child for the child to become estranged from the other
parent. It is often that parent who does
the job all by themselves by his/her actions.
A parent may become estranged from their child for other reasons too. For example, it can be from apathy, not
showing up for visitations, not acting warm or loving to the child, not attending
to the child’s emotional needs, breaking promises, chronically disappointing
their child, etc. A child can build a
protective exterior to avoid further disappointment, hurt and emotional
pain. That protective exterior can be a
wedge that is driven between child and parent.
The effects can last forever.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <u>Identification with
the Agressor and other Roles:<o:p></o:p></u></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Children have
difficulty remaining totally neutral, even when they might try. It is human
nature to take sides, to find someone to blame.
Sometimes a child may identify with the (perceived) victim in a
protective way. Other times, the child
may take on the characteristics of the aggressive and abusive parent (if that
is the issue in that family) and begin to act in an aggressive and abusive way
to a parent, the designated target in that family. That child, who over-identifies with the
aggressor parent, says the same horrible things to the target parent as the
abusive parent. It is almost like the Stockholm
Syndrome where prisoners of war identify with their captors. Here, it may seem safer for the child to
become like the aggressor parent than to be aligned with the victim
parent. It is like the child wants to be
on the winning team. He/she takes in all of the anger and hostility directed by
one parent to the other, and becomes another abuser in the household. I have
seen this happen and it is tragic to see.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Accordingly, we
can see a variety of outcomes in the dissolving, dysfunctional family. Here is an overview of some possible
outcomes: First, we talked about a child
who becomes their parent’s parent, acquiring the role of therapist, comforter,
protector. As this child becomes overly
identified with the weaker (underdog) parent, that child can easily internalize
that parent’s pain, rejection, feelings of abandonment, victim-hood. That parent may not be able to shield the
child from their feelings, and becomes comfortable sharing adult information
with their child. Their child becomes
more of a parental peer then a child.
The child becomes their parent’s ally and confidant. This is very inappropriate, dysfunctional and
creates damage in the child’s emotional makeup.
As the child becomes more and more enmeshed with the victim-parent, it
creates more hostility against the perceived aggressor parent. It is easy to
see how this can elicit further aggressive behavior (verbal or physical) and resentment
from that parent against the weaker parent and their child ally.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> In another
scenario, a child may be frankly traumatized by witnessing a violent parent
acting out against the other, perhaps repeatedly over time. The bully-parent, stereotypically controlling,
intimidating and perhaps explosive and frequently using corporal punishment, teaches
their child to shrink away when they are present, causes mistrust, anxiety and sometimes
terror. That child may feel protective
of their other (perceived victim) parent, but they have their own direct experiences
including being hit or verbally abused by that parent. That child can learn to hate the abusive
parent without any help from the other parent.
If one parent works on poisoning a child against another parent, we
refer to it as alienation. If a parent
becomes distanced from their child because of their own actions (or inactions),
we refer to that phenomenon as estrangement. In cases of parents who
expose their child to the details of their adult issues, violence, free
displays of emotionality and anger, depression and victim-hood, anger, abuse,
failures to cope, etc, those parents are meeting their own needs at the expense
of their child. It is selfish, perhaps
narcissistic behavior. For whatever the justification,
the child gets exposed to toxicity. Regardless
of who is inflicting it, the child gets damaged by exposure to parental
victimizing or victimhood, arrogance or aggression, depression, passivity, bad-mouthing
the other parent, hearing about a parent’s feelings of abandonment/devastation/infidelity,
or by being abused or neglected directly by a parent (sometimes while the other
parent stands by helplessly and allows it to occur). In both cases, the parental behavior is
selfish, self- serving, manipulative, narcissistic and dysfunctional. It all causes damage to children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <u>Family Systems of
Dysfunction:<o:p></o:p></u></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> We often see that
the family system in which this dysfunction occurs is a finely tuned system of
reciprocity, reactivity and reinforcement of negative behavior. For every perceived aggressive act (or act of
abandonment) there is a reaction in kind.
For the weaker parent who is apparently acted against, the revenge often
will take the form of passively (or passive-aggressively) going to the child, exacting
punishment and power that way. Having
the child hate the other parent even more, can be a method of revenge, using
the manipulated child as the only effective weapon available against an apparently
more powerful aggressor parent. In a more subtle sense, many seemingly
rational parents, while undergoing a divorce, will secretly feel some sort of inner satisfaction
when they hear their child speaking badly of the other parent. The response of the parent to hearing that,
even via nonverbal responses such as facial expression, can signal to the child
that it is ok to speak badly of the other parent. That is not ok. It causes damage to children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Even when the aggressor parent is a truly terrible person, a bully
against the other parent, a lousy spouse, a jerk, etc., that parent still may
be a good parent. It sometimes happens, perhaps in a minority of cases, but it
should be individually assessed. On the
other hand, a parent with a propensity to violence or substance abuse, may be an ongoing risk, in any event. Who makes the
determination about that parent’s degree of risk of violence, or risk of
relapse into substance abuse? It definitely should
not be the other parent who makes that determination for the reasons outlined
above. When someone has a genuine
history, it is for the Courts to determine, perhaps with the assistance of
forensic evaluations and substance abuse monitoring, as to the degree of <u>current</u>
risk, if any, to the child. Maybe it
would actually be good for the child if that parent remained (or became)
involved in their child’s life, regardless of events years ago. That is
individually and professionally assessed. Obviously if a
child were physically assaulted or sexually abused by the non-residential
parent, (hopefully) no one is going to force that child to spend time with that
parent (nor should they). But imagine the horrible damage that is inflicted by a parent making
false allegations of sexual abuse against the other parent.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <u>Malicious Attempts
at Alienation:<o:p></o:p></u></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">In a case of a parent (who has primary residential custody of the
child), working to alienate a child against the other parent, a court could
(and has) changed custody from the alienating parent to the other parent
previously being alienated. That,
coupled with the initiation of mandatory supervised parenting time for the
alienating parent can be a remedy in a severe case of intentional alienation. There are parents who, purely out of hatred
for their former mate, believe that they are justified in alienating their
child from the other parent, telling the child horrible untrue things. That is a form of child abuse, and the Courts
have and will change custody from one parent to the other, if it deems such a
change to be necessary and appropriate.
This scenario seems a bit obvious, that a court will take a child out of
the home of an alienating parent and place that child with the alienated
parent. That is a last ditch effort to
prevent a permanent alienation. But it
is often too late. Sometimes bad
behavior (by a residential parent) goes unpunished because it cannot be. The damage is too severe, the alienation too
ingrained, to reverse it. Forcing the
child into the house of the other parent would then be traumatic, causing
further damage in the child, even though it was caused by the residential
parent; A case of bad behavior being
rewarded because of no consequences to that parent is still a reward.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <u>Forcing a
Relationship or Offering Interventions:<o:p></o:p></u></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">The Courts generally want an estranged parent to get re-involved in
their child’s life, but it is not so easy.
Often, the court (and a different judge) gets the case long after damage
is done, after years of estrangement or alienation. The child is now older, already aligned with
a particular parent, having internalized all of the available negative beliefs
about the other parent. Perhaps the
Court issues an order to resume visitation.
What if the child refuses to go?
What if the child would have to be literally dragged into a car to go to
the other parent, forced, or threatened with the loss of their cell phone, etc.? That
happens more than most people realize.
Damage is already done, and it continues. How do
you repair that? By threatening punishment if the child doesn’t go? There are single parents who try to get their
child into their car to take them to the other parent’s house, under threat of
being found to be in contempt of court, and they still cannot do it. Or maybe they can do it, but they say they
cannot (perhaps passive-aggressive behavior?).
The Court is left with its own frustration, not wanting to punish an
otherwise fit parent, but impatient that the estranged parent is without
parenting time. The Judge feels ignored as well. That is not ok.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Sometimes a Court will send a child for reunification therapy with
a mental health professional. There,
visits take place in a therapist’s office or nearby pizza shop, and therapeutic
interventions may be offered to estranged parent and child. Sometimes this works. It can be an opportunity for a child to air
their grievances to the estranged parent and for a therapist to handle the
responses, manage the feelings and perceptions, and to facilitate a
dialog. It is a chance for the child to
see that the estranged parent may not be so bad after all. This has to be attempted and it often is. Reunification or re-introduction therapy can
be effective and should be attempted if possible, depending on the
circumstances. Sometimes a family is
referred to a program such as the Family Bridges Program, or something similar, in cases of severe
parental alienation. That is almost like
a re-programming intervention to un-do the effects of severe alienation. The fact remains, however, that after a
certain point, there may be irreversible damage, a point of no return from the
damage done to a parent-child relationship.
No matter what is attempted, it fails, maybe gets sabotaged, maybe goes
too slowly. Ultimately, the passage of
time puts the finishing touches on a damaged parent-child relationship. It’s like holding the ball in the final
moments of the game, waiting out the clock.
Passively sabotaging the reunification process, missing appointments
(e.g. “Joey has a soccer game on Tuesday and can’t make the appointment”; or: “Joey
wasn’t feeling well…:”.), showing no interest in the child having a
relationship with their other parent, continuing to make disparaging remarks
about the other parent, makes it more difficult (if not impossible) to facilitate
a new parent-child relationship. Eventually, the child becomes 18 and the
Courts can’t do anything further. Game
over.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> <u>Glazing-Over and the
Reformulation of History:<o:p></o:p></u></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">The Judge may have a gut feeling that the residential parent caused
or contributed to the alienation but there is no solid proof of this. The residential parent blames the
non-residential parent. The child has no
interest in spending time with that parent.
After a while, even legitimate stories about past abuse, neglect,
domestic violence, emotional abuse, etc., however, start to ring hollow, the Judge may
glaze over, listening to old accusations and new denials and counter-accusations, and the Court slams
the residential parent for not cooperating, for not trying to get the child
to attend visitations with the estranged parent, etc. My perception is that in some cases, even in
the cases with significant domestic violence histories, eventually (over years)
the victim begins to be looked at as being responsible (or partially so) for
the child not having a relationship with their other parent, due to perceived malice. After years go by leaving the bruises and
the bad times in the past, the Court is reluctant to permanently write off a
parent for their past deeds, especially when that parent still has parental
rights. Currently, that parent is
banging on the courthouse doors, demanding parenting time, crying about their
love for their child (which may be 100% genuine). The only one we hear saying “no” is the
previously abused parent! If the
children are heard, and they say no, the Court may still criticize the
residential parent, saying that the children should not be running the show. So the parent who in the past may have
actually been the true victim of domestic violence is now being criticized by
the court for apparently not cooperating enough with a new plan to reinstate
parenting time with their former abuser. That residential parent may be chronically traumatized, to this
day. So that parent starts to feel like they
are being re-traumatized, abused again—this time by the Court. And to make matters worse, the old domestic
violence may now be looked at as having been blown out of proportion or “concocted”
by the residential parent. Or maybe that
it is not relevant to the current time and to the parent’s desire to be in their
child’s life. Unfair maybe to the victim,
but it happens. Things become blurry with the passage of time. At some point, in some cases, the Court may see
the history of the case differently (especially if a new judge gets appointed
to the case), saying that it wasn’t just one parent’s fault (it usually isn’t),
and that the residential parent may be
accountable for any further failure to get the visitations back on track (e.g.: “I believe that things happened by the hands
of both parties against the other…”) The
court, in its own frustration, wants it fixed, wants the estranged parent back
in the child’s life now, no matter what (the “enough is enough” doctrine). And the clock is still running, and someone
is holding the ball, waiting out the clock until end of game. Who is holding the ball? The victim? Is that victim purposely holding
the ball or is he/she just plain traumatized (chronic post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD)?). Who really
loses? Maybe the non-residential parent
caused this 100 percent, or is mostly responsible for it in reality, but the
bottom line, is that the child lost a parent, and not through death. It is a big dilemma for any Judge. So there is no closure. No resolution. It just hangs there like a cloud, through the
rest of the child’s life. Somehow that
seems very unfair and sad. </span></span></div>
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<h4>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 32px; text-indent: 0.5in;"><u>Further Realities, Disclaimers and Reflections</u></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 32px; text-indent: 0.5in;"><u>:</u> </span></h4>
<div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 32px; text-indent: 0.5in;">Someone who sexually molested their child or was physically abusive to that child is a special case that should be individually assessed via the Court. In other cases, the court should take into account the effects of spousal abuse on a residential parent and that person’s ability to foster a relationship between their child and their abuser. It may be impossible for some. Impossible to comply is different from refuses to comply. Therapeutic interventions are essential. Or perhaps should have been put into place years ago when they would have been more effective. The Court should not underestimate the traumatic effects of spousal abuse years ago to the current time. Chronic PTSD can last forever if not treated. How can a residential parent with chronic PTSD foster a relationship between their child and the person who abused them? Often, the non-residential parent goes to court against their previous victim of spousal abuse, and attempts to play the victim role to the Judge, not taking responsibility for how they all got to this point. It is all too easy for an abuser to blame the victim. Taking that victim to court, accusing that parent of alienation, is just a continuation of the abuse that has been going on throughout the years. The bottom line is that everyone should be accountable and be expected to take responsibility for their actions, especially involving children. If a parent has unclean hands, they should not be in a very strong position to ask the court to punish the other parent for an estrangement that this parent brought on him/herself by his/her own actions. Sometimes you simply reap what you sow. </span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 32px; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></span></h4>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: blue;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2015</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><b><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Tweet Me: @jdgordonlaw</span></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></span><span style="color: #2f5597; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-38873883504210564822014-07-14T19:02:00.001-04:002014-07-15T11:32:12.055-04:00<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></u></b></div>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkTHLdhitA8EEF8lW_JZp_QrU4gWkf2fYDYT_eouJRlxYs5OoJAnO0ir5FrZ0ZM4fT6003oB0BiNmVn9RaLF4YlbV5XgZXzAvjHsdLikC5RLXsfv-ydsm_HhyFuDZ1m0vnsRGH-VBqwaUl/s1600/JDG+head+shot.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="color: #888888; line-height: normal; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkTHLdhitA8EEF8lW_JZp_QrU4gWkf2fYDYT_eouJRlxYs5OoJAnO0ir5FrZ0ZM4fT6003oB0BiNmVn9RaLF4YlbV5XgZXzAvjHsdLikC5RLXsfv-ydsm_HhyFuDZ1m0vnsRGH-VBqwaUl/s1600/JDG+head+shot.JPG" eea="true" height="320" style="-webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 11px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<b style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: 40px;"><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue;">FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE: WHAT IS BETTER?</span></span></u></b><br />
<h3 style="margin: 0px; position: relative;">
© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2014</h3>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;"> You might feel quite frustrated and lacking control, going into Family Court armed
with a lawyer who makes a living from every minute of time he/she spends on
your case, having to one-up your ex, or survive your ex’s attempts to marginalize
you, hurt you, steal from you, control you or destroy you. Sometimes it is unavoidable. Sometimes you have no choice. But to discern what that means—having no
choice—from actually having a choice, or having options, that is a challenge. You may </span><i style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">feel</i><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
compelled to act or to react. You may
really believe, in the moment, that an issue is outrageously important, or just
outrageous. Your perceptions may drive
your decision-making and that is not a good thing. If your perceptions are
distorted, twisted into a certain shape by your past experiences and by your
(pre-existing) personality, you might
decide to embark on a certain course of action that you will regret later,
maybe years later. You will wonder, “What
was I thinking, to do what I did”? </span></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">In extreme circumstances, however, you may have to emergently ask for the
assistance of the police or the Courts in scenarios of child abuse, spousal abuse or other
domestic violence. You may have to ask
for the Court’s assistance to enforce existing Orders, such as your parenting
time to which you are entitled, if it is being refused. There are emergencies that sometimes occur in
Family Court settings, related to these and other issues such as child support,
spousal support, etc. Those are things
that cannot wait. You have to be able to
feed yourself and the children, keep the electricity on in the house, fuel the
car, etc. You might be dealing with a
mean-spirited and vindictive person, a “destroyer”, who doesn’t care who gets
hurt as long as you do. It’s not about
the children to the destroyer, it is about hurting you. It is irrational, illogical, but nevertheless, real.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">But what if you are simply <u>inclined</u> to oppose other party, and this is optional? That is, you are just so
hurt from the past, so angry, that you become obsessed with minutiae. Every minute with the children has to be
fought over. No flexibility or
give-and-take exists here. Co-parenting
takes place via text and email. The loathing
of the other person—the other parent of your children—supersedes all else. It oozes from the pores of your body. Or of your ex’s body. Either way, it drives your respective lives,
and certainly yours. Imagine how your
children will remember their childhood when they are adults. Imagine how they will look back at their
parents’ behavior during their childhood and adolescence. You could ironically distance yourself from your children due to the ongoing fight to get closer to them during their
childhood. In other words, it is
possible that your efforts and actions, seemingly on their behalf, will come
back to haunt you (bite you) later. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Having acute <i>divorce-related
narcissism</i> puts you into a tunnel-vision state where you can easily feel
like a victim, always blame the other party, perceive yourself as powerless and
ineffectual, and become no fun to be with.
Blame and self-perceived victimhood is a formula for disaster. It will not be seen the same way by the Judge
or by the court-appointed forensic child custody evaluator/psychologist (or
whatever that person may be called). You
will be disliked, be perceived as self-indulgent and narcissistic, sniping at
the other party with trivial complaints (not trivial to you, but to everyone
else), perceived as one who cannot move on with their life. You will pay your attorney tens of thousands
of dollars to end up in the same place as you might have been without the
litigation. But alas, it takes two. Sometimes the other person is like the brick
in the air, hurtling at you. Sometimes
not, however. (For a full discussion of this topic, see my earlier post of February 2, 2012, entitled: <o:p></o:p></span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px;"><u>Creating a Narcissistic Perception of the World in Divorce or Other Break-Up</u>.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Some generalizations that might be useful to think about, or which may hit home for you:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><u>Things</u> don’t matter that much, and most things don’t matter at
all unless you are talking about real estate and business holdings, or truly valuable personal property. But here, I am referring to <u>things</u>
like used furniture, TVs, dishes, wall hangings, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Getting an extra day of parenting time, or your ex getting an
extra day (or hour) of parenting time doesn’t matter in the long run. It’s not fair? Maybe not.
But things don’t always <u>have to be</u> equal. Nice if they were, but they don’t <u>have to
be</u>. Your kids will be stressed out
over the constant arguing over a day here or a day there. They won’t enjoy their time with you if you
are miserable and tense or muttering about their other parent under your breath. If your ex is taking a vacation and it will overlap with your regular parenting time, maybe you can get a make-up day
another time. Or if you tell him/her
that it’s fine with you, just have a good time with the kids, then maybe when
you need an extra day or two, your ex might be more inclined to be flexible. In the end, years later, this is all
silliness. The kids know it, just like
they know that they are being used as pawns in their parents’ ongoing
battle. No one wins. Everyone loses. The judges often tell this to parents with
the caveat: “Wake up before it’s too late and your child can’t stand both of
you”. It happens and I have heard judges
say this to parents in these exact words.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">3.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">During the acute, divorce-related, narcissistic, tunnel-vision
phase of the process, it becomes really hard to think or to say: “This really
isn’t a big deal”. <u>Everything </u>becomes
a big deal! It’s all about you, all
about winning, all about the unfairness, victimhood, desperation and drama. There are good reasons for your actions; it
is all justifiable; it is all being acted-upon by your attorney who you
fantasize will score a home run for you in Court. But it may be that after submitting reams of
motion papers, certifications, exhibits, legal briefs, etc., that the Judge in
five minutes waves it all away as being trivial, or worse yet, doesn’t read it
all (the Judge is already fed up). Or
the Judge simply doesn’t agree with your position no matter how much time your attorney spent packaging it for the court. You can’t believe it. How could the Judge, after reading your
certification, have ruled that way? The
extra $5,000 that you had to pay your lawyer to draft and file these papers and appear
for the oral arguments in court, no longer exists in your pocket. The issue was just decided, not in your
favor. (I have heard the term "a roll of the dice" used in court many times.) Or better yet (and this often
happens), no decision at all was made.
The Judge sent you to mediation or appointed a parenting coordinator or
a Guardian <i>ad litem</i> to represent the
children’s interests. So now you must pay
another lawyer or mental health professional, pay more hourly fees, and be
subject to another professional’s perceptions and control of your case. All of this happens because you and your ex
cannot make decisions together, or you both are at odds no matter who is
right. The Judge steps in and takes
control to protect the best interests of your children as he or she sees it. And the Judge will freely point out that he
or she is a stranger who doesn’t know you or your children, and that you are
both handing your children over to a stranger in black robes to make
important decisions about their lives (because you both cannot do so). Some axioms, from my experience:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue;"><b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">For better
(not for worse)</span></u></b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to be honest than dishonest. It
is better to be truthful and forthcoming than to lie or use trickery and deception to win an advantage.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to be nice than to be mean. Karma!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to be flexible and reasonable than to be rigid and unyielding.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to enjoy the quality of your parenting time rather than to watch the
clock and cry (or mutter) over missed minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to pick up the kids on time and to drop them off on time. It is also better to call or text if you are
going to be late. If you get that text
or call, it is better to be appreciative rather than enraged. The kids can feel
it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to never blame or say anything bad about the children’s other
parent—ever. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to pay the child support and/or spousal support on time and to make the
children know that you will never let them go without their necessities.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to try to see both sides of the story because there are two sides.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to work things out between the two of you than it is to pay a lawyer to argue
for you in court. It is also better to work things out yourselves so a Judge
doesn’t have to decide it for you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better not to blame and feel like a victim even if you are one. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to move on with your life rather than to be stuck in the past, reliving
old hurts, affairs, betrayals, etc. It
might be better to see a therapist for help.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to <i>be</i> a happy person for your
own sake and for the sake of your children, rather than to <i>act</i> happy to show your ex that you don’t need him/her. It is better to realize that being happy is
not dependent on your ex. It comes from inside of you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better not to over-do with your kids, not to over-spend, not to over-dazzle
them with presents, amusement parks, fancy trips, etc. They don’t need their parents in a
competition for who can spend the most money on them. They will happily take the things that you
give them, but at some level, they know it comes from your insecurity, anger,
or worse: your inability to relate to them and to their feelings without giving gifts or
dazzling trips, etc. Parenting doesn’t
need a “wow factor”. Money does not buy
the love of children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better to set reasonable limits with children than to let them have whatever
they want due to a parent’s fear that a child will reject the parent and run to the
other one (who is going to be more permissive).
It would be better for you and the other parent to present a united
front to the kids and to have the same policies regarding child-rearing so that
the kids will not manipulate one parent against the other.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is
better, however, not to be overly rigid, punitive, angry, scary, or arbitrarily
restrictive with your children (or with your ex).<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a> In this respect, it is better to use positive
reinforcement and incentives rather than to use physical punishment with children. If you find that you lose your temper with your children and have difficulty with your emotional responses in general, it would be much better to take care of yourself with a good therapist. That might be a better place to spend your money in some situations. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: .75in; text-indent: .25in;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">I hope that this helps.
While it is not always possible to think or act this way, and while the scenarios presented here might not apply to your specific situation, it is nevertheless helpful
to try to keep these ideas in mind when making decisions that will affect you,
your emotions, your children and your wallet.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.479999542236328px; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0px;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 30px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue;"> Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 30px; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Copyright © 2014 by Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., Esq.</b></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 30px; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<b style="line-height: 18px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please note, this blog is for general information purposes only and should not be relied upon or taken to be legal or psychological advice nor does it create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="color: blue;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq.</b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="color: blue;"> </b></span></span></div>
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<div style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">___________</span></b></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: center;">
</div>
</span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-89206143983512724492014-05-30T13:41:00.000-04:002014-05-30T13:41:25.985-04:00<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkTHLdhitA8EEF8lW_JZp_QrU4gWkf2fYDYT_eouJRlxYs5OoJAnO0ir5FrZ0ZM4fT6003oB0BiNmVn9RaLF4YlbV5XgZXzAvjHsdLikC5RLXsfv-ydsm_HhyFuDZ1m0vnsRGH-VBqwaUl/s1600/JDG+head+shot.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="color: #888888; line-height: normal; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkTHLdhitA8EEF8lW_JZp_QrU4gWkf2fYDYT_eouJRlxYs5OoJAnO0ir5FrZ0ZM4fT6003oB0BiNmVn9RaLF4YlbV5XgZXzAvjHsdLikC5RLXsfv-ydsm_HhyFuDZ1m0vnsRGH-VBqwaUl/s1600/JDG+head+shot.JPG" eea="true" height="320" style="-webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; background-color: white; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</b></span><br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<div style="font-size: medium;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>The Myth of Privacy and Confidentiality in Relationships:</b></span><br />
<h3>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Letting it all Hang out in Family Court</b></span></h3>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2014</span></h3>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; text-align: justify;">
</div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">There is a pervasive
feeling that we lost our privacy, either due to Government, or from the ubiquitous
surveillance cameras everywhere we go, or now-even at home. The recent disclosure of Donald Sterling’s
conversation with his girlfriend caused a great uproar and condemnation due to
the racial content of his diatribe. Regardless
of the offensive nature of what he had to say, legal issues related to public
disclosure from surreptitious tape recordings are also relevant. The lessons we can learn from this and from other
disclosures are many.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Is there a reasonable
expectation of privacy at home? Should
we be able to say whatever we want in the sanctity of our homes with no
concern? Is there in fact, any sanctity
in our homes? In Family Court, where the
intimate secrets of relationships are laid bare, there probably is no
reasonable expectation of privacy. This
is because in Family Court, client credibility is continually being assessed. Not only is credibility examined, but also basic morality, ethics and the ability to parent a child, among other things. When a judge has to make determinations about
who may be the better parent, what is in the best interests of the children,
and whether or not to give the benefit of the doubt to one or another client,
then almost any credible data can be useful. Just
because a person is in their home does not guarantee that what takes place
there is immune from scrutiny. This
raises many questions and issues.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Perhaps there is such
a thing as ethics, morality and values that follow us around, regardless of
where we are. What we whisper or how we
act in the confines of our bedrooms or living rooms will be examined publically
when the relationship falls apart. The person
who was once trusted with our secrets may one day bring those secrets to Court
when it is advantageous to do so. Regardless
of whether or not this seems fair, it will happen when the bottom falls out of
the relationship and the former confidante turns into the betrayer. This is about what is between two
people. In another scenario, if child protective
services gets involved in a family, the intrusion into privacy is even
worse. State workers go into homes, look
in bedrooms, closets, refrigerators, bathrooms and interview everyone who might
have information about the family. Neighbors, schools, pediatricians and
friends are interviewed. Nothing is
immune from scruitiny. But absent a
referral to the authorities for alleged domestic violence, child abuse or neglect,
what can we reasonably expect from our partner as far as privacy and confidentiality
is concerned? Is there any protection from this kind of exposure?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">When you look at it
from another perspective, it is not so hard to understand. Why should our
partner, in a Family Court proceeding, be expected to keep the confidentiality usually afforded to a therapist
or to the clergy? Perhaps in a
relationship and in parenting, there should be a higher expectation of
morality, ethics and good behavior, rather than the expectation that anything
goes. A person who tape records our
conversation in our own home is already not in that relationship. That person
is somewhere else emotionally. Most
people would know that. Why would a
person, knowing that there is a serious problem in their relationship, expect
their partner or spouse to continue to protect them and to tolerate the very
same bad behavior that led to the demise of that relationship? The reality is that once the distance between
two people is obvious, once the awkwardness or tension is palpable, the new
expectation should be that the rules already changed. The best thing that both parties can do is
recognize there is a problem, discuss it and then seek help to ameliorate that
problem. But if two people have
different motivations, agendas, and perceptions of the same reality, then
really—all bets are off. The initial
premise of that relationship is long gone. Loyalty falls away with the demise of the
relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">So what is the
message? That you can safely say or do
whatever you want so long as you perceive the relationship to be solid? Probably not.
There is such a thing as offensive behavior and speech from which
inferences may be drawn by others.
Behavior that is considered to be ethical, moral and good can be debated
but is generally accepted by most reasonable people to be within certain
parameters. What is acceptable in one
generation is perhaps no longer acceptable in a subsequent generation—or vice
versa, as in sexual mores that were previously more strictly construed than
today. We are well aware of what is
generally acceptable today and what is not--unless the person just crawled out from under the rock where he or she was living for the past 40 or 50 years. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">To
assume that we are protected at home from any examination of our behavior is
really naïve. Actually, when two parents
become adversarial, the converse is true.
Everything gets put under the Family Court microscope. Sometimes what is brought to court for
examination is petty and ridiculous and the <u>complainer</u> looks bad for
bringing it. Sometimes, however, what is
presented to a judge shows the other parent’s lack of trustworthiness,
morality, values, judgment or veracity. The
judge will take that information, if verified, and make certain assumptions
about that parent’s character, among other things. It can sway the court
against a parent and help determine a custody or parenting time
determination. What you say, how truthful you are, and how you
act matters. It always mattered. But when two parents are in court fighting
over a child, it matters more than ever. "How you act" encompasses a lot of behavior, including but not limited to being manipulative, lying, cheating on taxes, stealing, hiding money, lying to the Judge, domestic or other violence, child abuse and neglect. It also includes being perceived as a nasty, hateful person. The Judge will make that assessment. If you are never in front of a Judge, you will still be judged in this world by the people around you, your children, your bosses, and everyone with whom you come in contact. If a person is a nasty hateful and manipulative person, it will be obvious to others and one's life will be characterized in those terms. The worst scenario is when your children perceive you that way. It happens. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">The best approach is
for people to be the best people they can be, wherever they are, and regardless
of who they live with. Being well
behaved, civil and respectful to others is learned early in life. Those are always important values, among
others. Maybe the answer is for us to self-monitor and to examine our own
behaviors and attitudes on an ongoing basis, to ensure that we are above
criticism. To be sure, an adversarial
partner or spouse will criticize and will watch for opportunities to pounce on
our mistakes. But good will,
reasonableness and kindness hopefully matter in the long run. Hopefully that wins the day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Things come back to
bite a person. Bad karma, and bad
behavior is like a boomerang. While
warped values, baseless hatred of others, and immorality are heralded in the
press, the bizarre scenarios that we read about in the papers are often
re-created in Family Court, rather than in the NBA. A judge, trying to figure out what is in the
best interests of a child, may indeed be very interested in a tape recording, if it
was legally obtained. The answer is not
to sweep your house for bugs, but to self-sweep for bad behavior, warped values and
attitud<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>es that are corrosive to society, destructive to a
relationship and which are antithetical to good parenting. That way, you have nothing to hide. If a tape recording is ever produced, it will only reveal that you are a good person, a good
parent and a good citizen.</span><span style="color: #2f5496;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 30px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-2055059267462536312013-11-18T11:02:00.002-05:002013-11-18T11:12:18.804-05:00<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2021238510382639031" name="_GoBack"></a><b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS IN FAMILY LAW SETTINGS<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2013</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> People get
into a lot of trouble when they do not set proper boundaries. Boundaries exist for just about every type of
relationship. To exist in a relationship
without boundaries (it’s usually not “all or nothing”) is to become enmeshed, co-dependent, or to merge into the other person’s identity, or at the very least, to give up a certain amount of
one’s own identity to the other. In
relationships, especially in bad marriages, we see this phenomenon frequently. When a relationship begins to deteriorate,
very often there is a period of time when either one or both parties goes into
denial or simply does not “deal with it”.
“Dealing with it”, requires setting boundaries, perhaps confronting the
other person, saying "no", and then applying reasonable consequences for boundary infractions. The boundaries in this essay do not include
work-place boundaries such as in sexual harassment, or bullying for example,
which are subjects for another discussion.
The boundaries (or lack thereof) we speak of here are pertinent to
divorce or other relationship dissolution, as well as in child custody matters.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Some Examples of Defective Boundaries that Cause Problems
Seen in Family Court:</span></u></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">I.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Financial boundary
issues</span></u></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">:<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">One of the most frequent is when one spouse has a
spending problem, buys things on a regular basis that the couple cannot afford,
creates significant credit card debt, and creates a lifestyle that entails
living beyond their means. How can that
happen? There are two people in this relationship. Perhaps the spender is intimidating to the
other party and a discussion would predictably end up with an argument, or
worse: verbal or physical violence.
Someone who spends excessively, without the approval of the other party,
may be doing it because it is a compulsive behavior, or out of hostility to the
spender’s partner, or because the spender actually believes (or acts as if)
there are funds with which to pay the credit card bills. Some people must purchase things to help with their depression. Sometimes, preparatory to a divorce, a
vindictive spouse may purposely run up a tab on a credit card, knowing in
advance that the debt will have to be split in half at the time of the
divorce. Examples would include a spouse
buying tons of clothing (or electronics, etc.) from January to June and then filing a Divorce
Complaint that September. When discovery
(court-ordered financial disclosure) starts coming in around November, surprise
surprise: There is $7,000 (or $25,000 or more) of marital debt! This is referred to as the intentional dissipation of marital assets.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">What about the spouse
who knows this is going on, however?
Right under his/her eyes. I have
seen this in divorcing couples where a spouse saw this happening and six years
went by and nothing was really done about it.
That does not include the periodic nagging or criticism, such as “Honey
why do you need that (item)? Or “We
can’t afford this, how are we going to pay for it?” But nothing really is addressed
therapeutically or in a way that will establish the marital boundaries. Eventually that will lead to divorce or
bankruptcy, or perhaps it is a symptom of an already damaged relationship going
through its demise. There is such a
thing as peace and harmony in the home.
In Hebrew, it is called “Shalom bayit”.
It is a universal value, namely that you choose your battles and hopefully avoid
criticism of your spouse/partner to avoid fighting, especially in front of the
children, if any. But peace and harmony
can be very expensive if one of the parties is taking advantage of, or acting
out against, the other. I will never
forget a case where arduous negotiations were taking place in the courthouse
every day and we were haggling over the marital debt incurred on credit cards
by the wife. The husband was almost
crying about the enormity of the debt and the wife’s lawyer told my client (the
wife had stepped away), “Shame on you for allowing this to continue for
years. Now you have no right to
complain, as if you didn’t know what was going on. You were part of this
irresponsible behavior by letting it happen.”
Even her attorney was appalled.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: blue;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">II.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Interpersonal
Boundaries and Walking on Egg Shells</span></u></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">:<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">If you allow another
person to abuse you and/or take advantage of you for whatever reason, you will have
to live with the consequences and not complain later that you are a victim. That applies in all interpersonal situations,
whether financial or emotional. People
will treat you as you allow them to. You
set the rules; the other people/person acts accordingly. Many people living with a difficult person
fall into a pattern of avoiding confrontation, keeping their feelings to
themselves, going along with someone else’s controlling behavior, etc. We learn from example and sometimes will
model our parent’s (or both parents’) acquiescent behavior. It may come from low self esteem, a sense of
worthlessness, inadequacy or fear (fear of being disliked, disapproved of,
rejected, etc.). When a person is
imprisoned by the bonds of fear or acquiescence, it results in a denial of the
self. The self—one’s own identity,
needs, desires, aspirations-- become subservient to another person and their
demands. It can become a lifelong
pattern. One can live an entire life, in
this prison, denying the self, pleasing others, feeling victimized,
overburdened and oppressed. This is not
only depressing, but unnecessary. It is
in violation of basic human rights. But
as was already said, you get treated as you allow others to treat you. A person in a relationship cannot violate
your rights without your participation. But you may have known this would happen before you committed to this relationship, and you committed to it anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">We often hear about a
spouse with borderline personality disorder, which is sometimes loosely applied
(like bi-polar disorder is used in name-calling) as a pejorative label by an angry spouse (as opposed
to being properly diagnosed by a mental health professional). This term is, however, often used to describe
a spouse who is prone to explosive outbursts (a “rage-aholic”) or severe mood
swings, among other things. Often the other spouse will tread carefully (walk
on eggshells) to avoid triggering the explosive spouse. This effectively allows the explosive spouse
to control the acquiescent one for years, decades or for an entire marriage
under this structure. Unfortunately,
this constitutes a lack of boundaries by both parties. The aggressive spouse, by exercising
dominance and control through intimidation or by the implied threat of an angry
outburst, is overstepping appropriate boundaries. The acquiescent spouse who keeps feelings
hidden, has to “swallow” it, keep quiet and compromise their own interests by
the failure to set appropriate boundaries.
The aggressive spouse blames, often plays the role of victim, takes no
responsibility for his/her actions, is self-righteous (maybe narcissistic) and has little if any
insight. That can be due to having a personality disorder, and this can be
exacerbated by the acquiescent participation of the other spouse/partner. The receiving partner typically feels
unheard, invalidated, unappreciated and hopeless. He or she may also feel inwardly angry or
depressed (or alternating), be prone to psychosomatic illnesses or complaints,
be prone to overeating, drinking or to the overuse or abuse of prescription
medication to dull the pain of feeling helpless, hopeless and dis-empowered by
the aggressive spouse/partner.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Boundary Issues
Involving Children:</span></u></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> A very destructive form of poor
boundaries involves children. When
spouses or two unmarried parents are involved in the dissolution of their
relationship, and there are issues over custody and visitation, it is important
to insulate the children from the parents’ conflicts or litigation. A boundary involves a rule: I don’t go there. This is not allowed. It is against the rules. It's my ex's parenting time, not mine. Talking to children about the litigation is a
boundary violation. Confiding one’s
feelings about the other parent to a child is a boundary violation. All of these inappropriate boundary
violations, among others, do untold damage to children. In some cases, the children become alienated
from one parent due to the actions of the other. When alienation does not occur, the child at
the very least will suffer emotionally.
This can take the form of conflicting loyalties, anxiety, guilt, depression
and anger. Children who are overly
involved in their parents’ dissolution can be at higher risk for acting out
behaviors (e.g. antisocial conduct, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, etc.). Of course, much of this depends on the
individual child’s pre-existing emotional strength or fortitude and many other
factors related to the parents’ behavior, length of time the child is exposed
to it, age of the child at onset, etc.
It is not a simple formula. Sometimes, a distraught parent will cry to a child, lean on the child emotionally and confide too much personal information (TMI) to a child. This child, depending on the age, can be placed into an inappropriate role <i>vis-a-vis</i> the parent, and can become a "therapist" for that upset parent. This child, due to the lack of appropriate parent-child boundaries, becomes pressured to take care of the parent, feels guilty when the parent is upset, and gets overly involved in the dysfunctional relationship of the parents.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Most people will agree that it is inappropriate and damaging to involve
children in your marital or relationship dissolution. This may take a lot of self control on the
part of a parent who is very distraught, suffering, angry, etc. Self control and boundaries go hand in
hand. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Pre-existing Tendencies:<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Setting boundaries
early in any relationship will establish the rules under which the relationship
is based. Assertive behavior does not
mean being aggressive or hurtful of someone else's feelings. It means that a
person is able to comfortably express their needs in an appropriate way that
does not entail an abuse of the other person. But it clearly communicates one's wishes and feelings to the other. It is the ability to calmly say no, or “I want…”. It involves calculated risk-taking, and
boundary-setting, risking the possibility that the other person may not like it
or may not comply. Just because you want something, does not mean that the other party must comply. That also works both ways. In a relationship, both parties are better off making some sacrifices for the benefit of the other, giving to the other, trying to attend to the other's feelings and desires. A partner, however, who is overly fearful of disapproval and rejection by others, may be generally unassertive and tend to avoid confrontation with others. That ostensibly
unassertive person may bring those patterns into the marriage/relationship and
continue the same dysfunctional role they played prior to the relationship’s
onset. These patterns can be established
in childhood and sometimes will be exacerbated in children of alcoholics or in
children who were molested or were otherwise abused (physically or emotionally)
in childhood. Sometimes, people will
unconsciously seek out a partner or spouse who is similar to their abusive or
alcoholic parent. Not all
spouses who do not set boundaries are unassertive in all of their
relationships. It may be
situation-specific with only that one person (who may evoke real fear). A person can be assertive at work and intimidated at home, for example. That is
really a therapy issue. To develop healthy boundaries, one needs motivation, hard work and a willingness
to develop insight and courage to change old, dysfunctional and self
destructive patterns. When you expect others to respect you and to treat you in a healthy way, you respect yourself and enhance your self esteem. This can only benefit you and your children. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Copyright © 2013 by Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</b></span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-82936873707345883312013-04-23T16:58:00.004-04:002013-04-23T16:58:48.854-04:00<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />Deciding Whether or Not to Litigate in Family Court-</span></h2>
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<span style="font-size: large;">"The Equation"</span></h2>
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<b style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</u></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 14pt;">"The
Equation"<u><o:p></o:p></u></span></b></div>
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© Jonathan
D. Gordon, Esq. 2013</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial;"> When trying to make decisions in
the Family Court arena, it is good to ask one’s self several questions prior to
choosing a course of action. Sometimes decisions are thrust upon you. There is
not much choice. For example: You receive a notice from Court that an
application for relief was made and you are summoned to Court for a hearing or
arguments on a particular issue. Even in that scenario, however, you are not a
total victim of the other party. There might be several options available to
you. The option not to show up, however, is not one of them because you then
can default and the Court will issue an order you won’t like. If you don’t show
up, the other party can often have granted all of the relief they sought
(within reason). </span></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial;">You can try to mediate the disputed
issues. You might be willing to concede on a point that is not that crucial to
you. You may decide that it would be better on many levels to just give in on
this particular battle, depending on what it is. These should be discussed with
a competent attorney who can advise you as to the pros and cons of those
options. You should not only listen to your attorney, but to your own gut
feelings. It is your life and no one else can live it for you. Your attorney is
there to advise you. He or she is not your parent. Whether or not you take the
advice is under your control. If you are unsure, see another attorney for a
consultation to get another perspective. Your friends and relatives are biased
and often will not give you sound advice. They may simply egg you on, without
adequate knowledge of your case and without any knowledge of the Law.
Ultimately, however, you are the only one who can decide your own course of
action. Doing nothing is also a decision, and that too, has consequences—not
all of them good ones.</span></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial;">Your adversary (spouse, ex spouse,
or partner, etc.) may have done something that angered you or frustrated you.
There may be a lack of cooperation, control issues, dominance over the
children, failure to keep promises, failure to comply with prior agreements and
orders, failure to pay child support on time, problematic parenting time
issues, and on and on. These unfortunate interactions, failures to cooperate,
failures to adequately co-parent, irrational competition for the affections of
the children, etc., are a continuation of the previous dysfunctional
interactions that characterized the marriage (or at least the end of it).
Perhaps these ongoing failures to cooperate, competitiveness and
passive-aggressive behavior (e.g. sabotages) represent an inability to let go
of the other party; an inability to fully“break up” with that person.
Accordingly, the “hanger-on” has a need to continue the contact, the
relationship, the interactions—albeit dysfunctional and unpleasant ones.
Continuing the marital drama is not in your best interests. How much of that
you want to participate in is, at least partially, under your control. But
let’s first look at it from the equation of the aggressor, if you will. </span></div>
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</span><br />
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<b><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial;">The Chronically Angry
Litigant:</span></u></b></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial;">If you are filled with resentment,
anger or even hatred, and you can afford it, you have the choice to fight with
your adversary via litigation. Although you may indeed have a legitimate cause
of action such as your adversary’s failures to cooperate, failure to pay
Court-ordered support, etc., then you might have to file an application in
court. But that is not necessary fueled by destructive anger. It should be a
rational, well thought-out decision. There is quite a difference between the
litigant who initiates an action and who is resigned to the necessity to do so,
and the angry litigant who wants to beat up the other party via court. The
latter person often threatens taking the other person to court, “going after”
that person in court, having their lawyer“drag” the other party through endless
litigation, etc. You’ve heard these phrases and terminology: “drag”,“going
after someone”, taking so-and-so “to the cleaners”, etc. I previously mentioned
the common fantasy that “if only I can tell my story to the Judge, she/he will
understand. . .” This fantasy is irrational and based on a person’s
self-righteous sense of victimhood and indignation. Most of the time, the Judge
won’t be impressed by that person’s story. Sometimes, maybe, but most of the
time, there is a story from the other litigant as well. Your story, argued by
your lawyer in a motion hearing, is not sworn testimony, and there probably is
no corroborative evidence to back up your story. The Judge is not your friend
who will sympathize and believe everything you say. If you want to roll the
dice and take the chance that you will prevail in court, you can do so, but
this course of action should be well thought out and a cost-benefit analysis
should be conducted. What costs do I need to expend on this course of action, and
what is the likelihood that I will succeed? Am I willing to risk losing the
money spent on legal fees with no guarantee of a successful outcome? Maybe yes,
maybe no. Your righteous indignation, anger and sense of victimhood is <u>not</u>
part of the equation, although you may feel motivated to act, based on those
feelings. If you act primarily based on your emotions, anger, hatred, sense of
victimhood, you are taking a very big gamble with your time, money and status. <u>Angry,
self righteous people tend to be overly optimistic that they will prevail</u>.
Your estimation of the probability of success will be inflated. This is huge. I
do not know the statistics (and this would be a good research project), but
based on experience in Court, I do not see that there is a strong correlation
between the degree of anger or sense of victimhood with a positive outcome for
that person in Family Court. The one possible exception to this is in Domestic
violence actions, where one of the actors was actually victimized by the other,
it’s not fabricated, and he or she is justifiably angry. A black eye is a black
eye. (But you don't want to get one in Court.) In divorce, child custody and
parenting time disputes, however, there is less of a correlation and more risk
of failure in Court. I see so many people leaving Court devastated and crying
because the anticipated outcome they expected did not occur. The judge may have
been dismissive and fairly unsympathetic to the client’s story (which costs a
small fortune in legal fees to prepare and submit to the court. An attorney
should go through this with a client ahead of time, should discuss the costs
and possible realistic benefits of litigation vs. settlement so that the client
can make informed business decisions as to how the legal fees will be spent.
Finally, you cannot simply go back to court over and over again with trivial or
nonexistent claims. This can be deemed to be harassment via litigation, an
abuse of the process, and possibly frivolous litigation. If the Judge agrees
that your application is frivolous and brought in bad faith, you can be liable
for the legal fees of the other party. So your cause must be brought in good
faith and represent a real issue appropriate for the Court.</span></div>
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</span><br />
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<b><u><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial;">The Decision Tree in the
“Equation”:</span></u></b></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;"><span style="color: blue;">It is the client’s responsibility
to construct the equation with the attorney. Ultimately, as I said previously,
the decision is the client’s. It is your life and no one else can live your
life for you. You are responsible for what you decide to do, just as you are
responsible for having previously linked up with your ex partner. Most
decisions have consequences. You might be paying now for the earlier decision
to choose your partner (who is now your adversary). But you can try to cut your
losses in the present by making better decisions and choices so that you can
move on with your life in a healthy manner. Here are some essential elements
you might want to consider in your decision making. There may be overlap in the
columns below, but these concepts represent basic thoughts you should entertain
before embarking on litigation (unless obviously and truly emergent):</span> </span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Identify the Facts and Problems to overcome:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Scenario: Basic Principles: Arguments pro/con:Decision Making:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b>Emergency</b> (e.g. refusal to
return a child after parenting time; refusal to hand over a child’s passport prior to other parent’s vacation,
etc.). <i><o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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Your being very upset is not—in and of itself--an emergency if there
is no <i>imminent, irreparable harm</i> to
persons or to property.</div>
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Usual definition of emergency involves a showing of imminent,
irreparable harm. If a true emergency, the likelihood of success is better.
If child abuse, call your child protective services agency or police immediately.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, call your local police or visit your
court’s domestic violence office.</div>
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Your definition of emergency may be very different from the
Court’s. Check with your lawyer as to
the legal definition and criteria. Here, the emergency may compel that you respond
and take precedence over any anticipated costs. Sometimes problems come to
your front door, like it or not. Is there any possibility of getting relief
without court action?</div>
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If the legal criteria are satisfied, likelihood for success is good.
In many cases, such as in issues directly affecting children, or danger to
any person, you should act swiftly or face criticism yourself for doing
nothing. If it an emergency regarding
dissipation of marital assets, your failure to act quickly may cause you a
financial loss.</div>
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<b>Financial Issues</b> (e.g.
litigation over child support, spousal support, court ordered or agreed-upon reimbursement
for expenses (e.g. college costs, extracurricular expenses, medical expenses,
child care, etc.) </div>
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How much do you seek? Are you already entitled to this money by court
order? Why wasn’t it paid? Is there a
plausibly good reason (extenuating circumstances) the other party didn’t pay
you?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Is there a factual dispute over the issues? (If so, there will be a
trial on those issues). With
conflicting factual arguments by both sides, the Judge may need to conduct a
trial with testimony and evidence to make findings before rendering a
decision.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Is an existing order in place and is the other party clearly in
violation of that order? Can you show that clearly with your exhibits
attached to a motion, clearly showing that you are owed a specific amount of
money.</div>
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Do the arrears exceed the expected legal costs? Have you tried speaking with the obligor or
tried mediation? Do you have paid
receipts for reimbursement? Do you have clean hands and have you complied
fully with your obligations? Did you submit the receipts (if required) within
the time limits (if any)? What are the arguments against you getting paid? On
what basis (if any) could your
adversary argue that paying you would be unfair or not required under the
current circumstances?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Paying in cash and relying on verbal agreements is foolish. You need everything in writing and should
pay by check so you have a record of everything. People lie in Family Court and often deny
that the verbal agreements and cash payments ever happened.</div>
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If the money was previously ordered and not paid, and the amount is
mounting and already significantly exceeds expected legal fees, it may be
worth pursuing. Don’t wait years to seek reimbursement or you may lose it. A <u>lot</u>
of time passed can be considered to be your waiver of getting these
funds. Prepare a list of your
adversary’s expected arguments against you even if you disagree.</div>
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<br /></div>
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In pre-divorce settlement negotiations: balance the cost of attorney
time vs. the amount or item you seek (e.g. spending $2,000 on joint legal
fees to obtain a $1,500 benefit).</div>
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<br /></div>
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Are you willing to risk the costs of litigation against the
possibility you will not get the relief you seek? Sometimes it is a toss of
the dice. Weigh the odds of success first.</div>
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<b>Child Custody</b>: Legal
custody differs from primary residential custody in many states. You can potentially have joint legal custody and be primary
parent of residence (PPR). Ask your lawyer about this and what are your
obligations if joint legal. </div>
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Getting sole custody is rare. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Some scenarios:</div>
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<br /></div>
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(a) You seek</div>
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sole (legal and residential)
custody: </div>
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You will generally NOT
succeed unless the other parent is an unstable addict, alcoholic, criminal,
mentally ill, abusive, missing, or significantly neglectful of the child’s
needs.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
(b) You seek </div>
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to be PPR. Ask your attorney for
your State’s criteria to be PPR.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
(c) You want to</div>
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Expand your current parenting
time (visitation). </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
(d) You want to move out
of State with or without the child. Need
custody and/or parenting time to be changed.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
(e) Are there issues of
child abuse, neglect, substance abuse
or alcoholism in the other parent (old issue, or new relapse, etc.)?</div>
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Are you prepared to pay-in addition to legal costs of a likely
custody trial: the costs of psychological evaluations ($5-10,000),
depositions of the expert(s). A
custody trial can cost anywhere from $25-$50,000 or significantly more.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
Is the current PPR uncooperative, sabotaging your parenting time,
actively alienating the children, not taking care of them, being abusive,
neglectful, etc.? </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
Are you looking for more overnights with your child to reduce your
child support? Because you are angry
at the other parent? Because you are
in competition with the other parent?
To punish the other parent? OR:</div>
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Because you already have a fairly close relationship with your child,
you are involved in the life of your child, and you honestly want to spend
more time with your child because you love your child and want to be closer?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Important: Are you available to handle the duties that come along
with more time with young children (e.g. preparing dinners, taking child to
activities, pick up at bus stop, etc.). Is the other parent trying to
alienate the child from you (really)? What arguments will the other parent make
against you having more time?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
What is your definition of parental alienation? The other parent
spending lavishly on the children and not setting the same limits with them
that you set, is likely not parental alienation although the child may prefer
the more permissive, gift-giving parent.
Discuss with your lawyer.</div>
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Very clearly identify your motives.
Talk frankly with your lawyer and perhaps see a therapist to get
feedback as to why you are going down this road, and the possible bad effects
on you and on the children. Weigh this against the likelihood of a beneficial
result.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
Count how much money you have to spend on this, or how much money you
can raise from friends, relatives or via a home equity loan, etc. Custody litigation is extremely expensive
because it almost always leads to trial, requires experts, and often
depositions. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
Consider that the Judge may need to interview your child, possibly in
chambers, but recorded. A transcript
will be made of the interview. You may
or may not want to go that route and you may not want to see what is on that
transcript.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
If parental alienation is ongoing, you may not have much choice,
except perhaps to wait until the child is an adult and hope for the best
later. There is no guarantee that
litigation over alleged parental alienation will result in the outcome you
desire. You may also have to hire
expert(s) in parental alienation in addition to the local expert who does the
psychological evaluation.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;">
Your credibility is important.
Don’t tell the judge that the other parent is a terrible parent when
you relied on that parent for child care for years previously, or that the
other parent is a drunk. The question
you will be asked is why you left the children in the care of a drunk. Discuss with your attorney. Your facts may be complex.</div>
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So perhaps the decision to litigate
equation could be conceptualized this way:<br />
<i style="line-height: 1.4;"><br /></i>
<i style="line-height: 1.4;">Litigate (</i><b style="line-height: 1.4;"><i>L</i></b><i style="line-height: 1.4;">) = How Compelling </i><b style="line-height: 1.4;"><i>(C factor)</i></b><i style="line-height: 1.4;">: (scale of 1-10) + </i><i style="line-height: 1.4;"><u>legal fees-costs</u></i><br />
<em> available funds </em><i>(<strong>F factor</strong>)</i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<em>
</em>X probability of success (S factor)</div>
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<o:p></o:p><br /></div>
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Or:</div>
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<b><i>L = C +
F x
S</i><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br />
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What about doing nothing? The
most important question is whether you will get to the same desired result (or
close to it) if you do nothing, or settle on a compromise position.
Imagine how frustrated you would be after spending a small fortune and
litigating for months, only to get whatever could have been obtained by
settlement negotiations anyway. You are in the same place you would have
been in anyway, but you are much poorer and possibly beaten up
emotionally. Or you could get a home run, who knows? </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Your estimate of the likelihood for success should be based on what does the
Law provide, what are the facts of the two relative positions of the parties,
what is the need or necessity for relief, and if you have the emotional and
financial wherewithal to go through the litigation process. Home runs in
Family Court are very rare. Most of the time, the outcome represents a
Judicially-imposed compromise between the two positions. Often, both
parties get something they want while both parties also get disappointed in
some way. Settlements will be similar, but without the high costs of litigation
in Court. There is no substitute for competent legal advice.
Depending on the circumstances, it may also be advisable to get a reality
check-up from a therapist to help you to obtain some insight into your
subconscious motives.<b><i> </i> </b>As was already said,
sometimes troubles will come to you and there is little choice but to
respond. But deciding when and how to respond should be done after
using a cost vs. benefit equation to see if it is worth going through the
difficult process of litigation in Family Court.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2013</span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-8567543468937467952013-01-08T20:35:00.001-05:002013-01-10T12:28:28.312-05:00The Family Court Destroyer-False Accusations<span style="color: blue;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><div class="titlewrapper" closure_uid_oo2in1="2">
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<b style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;"><u>Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</u></b><br />
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</span></b></span><span style="color: blue;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><u>The Family Court Destroyer-False Accusations</u></span></b></span><br /><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: x-small; line-height: 115%;"><o:p>Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2013</o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><u><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;">Important Disclaimer</span></u><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;">:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Please note that for the purposes of this discussion, I am absolutely not negating all of the legitimate complaints people make regarding spousal abuse or child abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it is real, it is real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This discussion is only related to when people make up false accusations to destroy another person. Even if it is real most of the time, when it is false, it is still very destructive, nevertheless. <o:p></o:p></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">-----------------------<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">What should you do when someone is trying to destroy you in Family Court?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are many different scenarios and motivations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The emotional and financial effects can be the same in each.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tend to get referrals for very high conflict cases because I am also a Psychologist besides being an attorney.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The high conflict is often about children:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>child custody and parenting time (visitation) disputes, parental alienation, relocation out of state with children, choice of religion and religious education disputes, to name a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These can be in the context of divorce as well as in unmarried couples with children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regarding the latter, I have found that this is more difficult than in divorce because the couple often splits up long before one of them goes to court for relief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a traditional divorce, the parenting time plan is often carved out in the process of the divorce process under the court’s scrutiny and deadlines. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unmarried couples who split and have children often (but not always) have informal methods, or no methods to deal with their children until they go to court and get a court order, if they need one at all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will talk about this in more detail later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In contrast, some amicably divorcing couples may carve out a detailed parenting time schedule at the divorce but create another informal system later that works for both of them and for the children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Besides child custody disputes, there are high conflict divorces where one person may try to destroy the other financially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more powerful (often the sole or primary wage earner) party in the divorce may—if playing the role of destroyer—hide assets, lie about his or her financial ability, dissipate assets (e.g. by running up a credit card bill for a couple years or months prior to the commencement of the divorce), put away joint income or savings gradually in the form of cash hidden in a vault someplace, or give money to a sibling or friend to hold, title property in the name of others (e.g. siblings, parent, etc.), stop paying the mortgage, go into foreclosure, file bankruptcy, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the list can go on and on. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are books written about finding hidden assets for the purposes of getting adequate alimony and child support. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the assets often remain hidden nevertheless, often to the extreme detriment of the children and the former spouse. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are many ingenious and creative methods that people devise to deprive their spouse or child of support to which they are entitled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In almost all cases, the actor justifies their actions because of their anger and feelings of victimhood by the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some cases, it can simply be selfishness and narcissism as the depriving party wants as much comfort and spending ability as possible, regardless of the cost to another person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes divorce brings out the worst in people.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Hatred can drive a person to act very badly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a chronically narcissistic person who has always been like that, it is unlikely that there will be much hesitation to take what he/she wants and leave the other person to fend for themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no empathy, no compassion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There likely never was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So this is nothing new in the parties’ dynamics and is likely an underpinning of why they broke up in the first place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Indifference, lack of empathy and selfishness can help an angry person justify malicious behavior and vindictiveness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Vengeance and rage is destructive and the destroyer can self-justify any type of bad behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone who lacks empathy, who is selfish and indifferent to others will do what they can for their own comfort and advantage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone who is vengeful and malicious will go out of their way to hurt another person with whom they are angry, sometimes just to get even.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not all angry people are vengeful or malicious, however.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anger is a normal emotion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it goes out of control, beyond acceptable limits, however, it is dysfunctional and sometimes dangerous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also self defeating and often self destructive.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A destroyer can be motivated by feelings or abandonment and betrayal, as I spoke about previously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reactive Narcissistic Behavior</i> (RNB) is all about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That person has acute tunnel vision caused by their perception of having been victimized by the other person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This causes rage and vindictive behavior, regardless of the consequences to others, especially children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have seen numerous domestic violence complaints like this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the parties should have—and could have--just gone their separate ways, one or both of them could not peacefully do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, perhaps one party threatens the other, assaults the other, posts photos or private information on Facebook, shows up at a new girlfriend or boyfriend’s residence to confront that person or the old partner, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People damage their ex’s cars, throw rocks through windows, and tell lies about that person (or expose intimacies), either on Facebook, to other friends, or in Court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Lies are truly horrible methods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When a person throws a rock through a window, you can always replace the window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The listener in Court, perhaps a Judge however, does not initially know if an allegation really happened or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Outsiders (usually not Judges) most often assume an allegation is true until proven false.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, however, even a judge will tend to believe an allegation if it is disturbing enough and if represented sincerely and passionately in court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see that when a judge reacts emotionally to an allegation and when there is no readily available proof that the allegation is a lie, especially regarding children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most judges, however, will be tentative and will want proof or documentation that the allegation really happened. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With false allegations of sexual abuse, most people will be perceived as guilty until proven innocent, and even then, there is always a lingering doubt in others. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A destroyer will lie for revenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That person will invent new realities for the Court to hear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is akin to terrorism in the court since generally the purpose of terrorism is to destabilize, surprise, cause chaos and anxiety in others and to disrupt normal routines and economies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">People often lie in Family Court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perjury is sadly commonplace and sometimes hard to identify.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, it is not condoned and if a Judge finds out they were lied to, the liar had better watch out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That person will have zero credibility from that point onward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People sometimes lie about being assaulted or threatened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes a person will invent a false accusation of assault or terroristic threats (domestic violence) or child abuse or neglect against the other party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They lie about statements the other parent allegedly said to a child during their parenting time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They lie about what time the other parent showed up to pick up a child, they lie about a parent not being able to adequately care for a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The list is endless, but there are recurring, common themes: fiscal irresponsibility (e.g. spouse overcharging on credit), child abuse and neglect, spousal abuse, the other spouse’s supposed addiction to illicit substances, alcohol or pornography or other dysfunctional sexual practices or demands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Sometimes a person will convince themselves</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="xxx"></a><span style="color: blue;"> of their own fiction and act (and feel) as if it really is true. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people with severe emotional distress or with underlying personality disorders often distort reality and perceive things differently from the way they really are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They routinely distort reality, see things as they aren’t, and believe with all sincerity that it happened that way. One common example is the belief that the other parent is not capable of safely and independently parenting their child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People are capable of distorting reality to meet their emotional needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In extreme cases, such as in paranoia, some people can actually be delusional with regard to believing that someone else is trying to hurt them (or their child).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A truly delusional person has a thought disorder, a serious psychiatric problem that requires medication or at the very least--intensive psychotherapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A person who distorts reality under stressful circumstances, such as in a divorce, may sincerely believe their perception, but it falls short of being a delusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a qualitative difference between being delusional and distorting reality under stressful circumstances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The bottom line is that someone with great rage who feels vengeful, can consciously or unconsciously talk themselves into a justification for their bad, destructive behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the narcissistic tunnel vision that I frequently speak about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately people who are like this, can do a lot of damage to others, including children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An easier way to understand example of this twisting of reality is when a person doesn’t want to go to work on a particular day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They get themselves so worked up before calling the boss, that they convince themselves that they don’t feel well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A person can develop a stomach ache, headache or feel dizzy under these circumstances—until the phone call is made, of course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then they have a miraculous recovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In child custody disputes, when a misguided parent begins waging an unnecessary and unjustified war against the other parent, either they don’t care or they have no insight into what they are doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the damage to the children and to the other spouse is the same, regardless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of these wars are misguided and unnecessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they happen nevertheless.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">A judge tries to assess credibility while hearing the arguments of the attorneys and listening to testimony of the parties in court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lies and distortions are paraded in front of the judge and the judge knows that someone is lying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is more difficult to discern <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">who</i> it is, however.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lying through tears with the utmost sincerity can make a damaging impact and then it will (often unfairly) be the other person’s burden to show that the accuser was lying. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It shouldn’t be that way, but it is the reality in this context. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">In family court, one is often tentatively guilty until proven innocent in some subject areas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This includes being accused of sexual molestation, domestic violence, seriously poor or irresponsible parenting and neglect, to name a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A judge who hears very serious accusations impacting the safety of a child is put into the position of having to act immediately to protect the child until the accusations are proven or disproven. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having a shred of confirmatory evidence can clinch the decision against that parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That “shred” of evidence can be finding porn on the computer, a previous DUI arrest or psychiatric treatment, even years ago, etc. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The judge has to err on the side of caution to protect a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a case alleging that the child may be at risk, a false accusation can result in a parent having their parenting time suspended with visits having to be supervised until all of the forensic assessments are completed. Child protective services may be called in to investigate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that case, the investigator will interview the children, the pediatrician and the school staff. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imagine the damage a false accusation does to a child, and to the parent-child relationship when the accusation is malicious and false.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It comes with the humiliation of people, based on a false allegation, asking others if they have reason to believe that child abuse or neglect has occurred.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does happen, and when it does, it is devastating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, at other times when the accusation is true, it is the wrongdoer’s direct actions against the child that does the damage and the allegation against that parent can save the child’s life!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">It would be nice to say that justice and fairness are always accomplished, but sadly they are not, always.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not meaning to be discouraging, it is important however to understand that if there is enough intelligence, skill, cunning, money and determination in the vengeful person, serious damage can result.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other hand, the vengeful spouse can be discovered and identified by the Judge and by the forensic psychologists, and that person is then put in check by the Court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it may be necessary to make a business decision to determine if you seriously want to wage this battle, depending on what is at stake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the financial arena, you may be about to embark on thirty thousand or more dollars worth of litigation (a trial over a dispute of fact—he said vs. she said) which can be waged over a potential outcome worth half of that or less. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You may never be able to find that cash that you think is in the unknown safety deposit box. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it will make more sense to negotiate a settlement of those issues since you will end up saving money in the long run.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Financially, and practically, it is almost always better to settle a dispute than to litigate it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The difficult part of this is the emotional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watching your ex (or future ex) smirking at you after signing such an agreement (favorable to the other spouse) can be very painful for some.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Litigating just to wipe that smirk off of the other person’s face is common, but irrational and self-defeating. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s tunnel vision. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You lose your money fighting in a senseless power struggle for a small pot at the end of that imagined rainbow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a net loss, rather than a gain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can also win a battle but lose the war in the big financial picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it is better to save the money you know you is guaranteed (e.g. equitable distribution), rather than to gamble on getting a home run in your legal battles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very often the other party is more well-equipped then you to litigate without too much financial pain because they earn more, have more stashed away, or have wealthy (vindictive) relatives who are funding their litigation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While that is not fair, consider that the financial ability and the desire to litigate, plus anger, is a very bad combination, and that can and will be used against you in Court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">When it comes to children, it is unusual for a parent to walk away from the litigation, and it is often impossible or extremely difficult for a person to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Walking away from the litigation often means walking away from the children, walking away from precious days or hours of parenting time, walking away from what is most important to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I am not suggesting that you do this, the point here is that the vengeful, malicious person in a high conflict custody or parenting time dispute can do damage to you, to your children, and to your relationship with the children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even when you can prevail in the litigation, often it is after many weeks or months of forensic assessments, taking your kids to a psychologist to be evaluated, having the parents and siblings evaluated, rendering and analyzing expert reports, attending depositions, and eventually going through the trial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time that half year (or longer) passes, everyone is stressed out and certainly not enjoying life to its fullest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The saddest part is that the children are suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are well aware of their parents fighting over them and they are anxious, nervous, conflicted, feeling guilty, confused, angry and depressed to name a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These children often develop behavioral problems, become aggressive or depressed, and their school performance suffers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over a period of years, the damage can be irreparable.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">The destroyer-parent wants to marginalize or eliminate the other parent as a parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The destroying parent makes malicious remarks to the children about the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, there are cases where a parent tells the children, that their other parent is an idiot, a bad parent, and unnecessary in the household.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides telling children insulting things about their other parent, some destroyers make up fictional events designed to create anger in the child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imagine how a child feels, being told that it is their other parent’s fault that they did not go on a particular vacation, did not get the sneakers they wanted, did not get to go on the school trip, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not hard to imbue resentment in a child against the other parent, especially if the child is young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately the alienating parent doesn’t care much about the effect this has on the children; it is all about power and winning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is about control over the other (hated) spouse, and about domination and vengeance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also a form of child abuse to manipulate information and emotions to alienate a child from their parent. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a form of terrorism and child abuse and does great damage to children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">What should you do if you are embroiled in this type of scenario?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Try to:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">• Remain focused and centered on your long term goals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are not sure about what your goals are, this is the time to define or re-define what they are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You cannot just be randomly reactive to the attacks of your adversary, bouncing around like a cork on their ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You need direction, goals, a course of action.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">• Make sure you have realistic goals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ask your attorney if your goals are readily attainable and what the odds of success are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perform a risk-benefit analysis. Risks and costs include the loss or expenditure of money as well as the emotional toll on you and your children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">• Try not to let the other party push your buttons so much that you react emotionally or impulsively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Re-think your initial decisions, impulses and inclinations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get feedback from others who will not simply egg you on, but who will give you intelligent and fairly objective advice, even if it’s not what you want to hear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If necessary, get a consultation with another family law attorney just to make sure your attorney is on the right course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be a little skeptical, however, regarding the information you receive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is very easy to criticize someone’s attorney from the outside, especially if that consultant might stand to gain a client in the process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ask specific, pointed questions regarding strategy and possible outcomes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want to know all of the possible scenarios so that you can make an informed decision.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">• Ask for help or advice from a therapist, clergy, or a trusted, intelligent friend.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">• Don’t let the court battles define you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Continue to pursue all of your other goals so that you have a life outside of the courtroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make sure your job is secure, that you perform your job in a satisfactory manner, and that you are centered and functional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are working, you must not let your job performance suffer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do not work, try to find a job and throw yourself into your job search.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep proof of your applications (and rejection letters) in case you later need that proof for the Court (showing that you are making an effort).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">• Get organized, watch your diet and your alcohol intake; maintain structure in your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get rid of clutter in your home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Continue to maintain social contacts and maintain your grooming and hygiene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In other words, don’t let yourself be destroyed or deteriorate simply because your spouse or partner wants to destroy you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Refuse to be knocked off balance, no matter what, even if it takes effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do things one step at a time and ask for help when you need it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Try to keep balance in your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not post information about your legal problems on FaceBook or other social media sites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not send angry emails or texts. They will all be printed out and brought to Court to show the Judge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some cases, what you post on the Internet, text or say on the phone can be considered to be a form of harassment and possibly domestic violence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">• Set realistic limits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is only so much you can do, only so much power you realistically have, only so much energy, only so much money to be spent, etc. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Understand the reality of your limitations, and you might need to resign yourself to getting less (from Court) than you expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Survival with stability is sometimes a good goal when home runs just don’t exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: blue;">Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.</span></span></div>
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<b><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.<span style="color: blue;"></span></span></span></b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-78740348854012549702012-07-10T20:16:00.001-04:002012-07-11T19:12:18.432-04:00<br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</b></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Watching Your Back in Family Court</span></span></u></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">(and your Thoughts, Emotions & Behavior too!)</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2012</span> </div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There is a fine line, sometimes an ambiguous grey zone, that divides mean-spirited behavior from self protective behavior in family court. In life, almost everything can be rationalized. People have a tendency to justify their own actions and to distort reality based on their needs. This is crucial to understanding why people seem so convinced they are right in whatever it is that they are doing. The greater the emotional need and degree of emotional upset, pain and fear, then the more a person may tend to distort their perceptions of reality. <i>Needs</i> significantly drive <i>perceptions</i>. As previously discussed, people who feel abandoned, betrayed and hurt by another person may experience reactive narcissistic behaviors (RNB) for an indeterminate period of time. This, in an otherwise “nice” person can result in a lack of empathy for others (including their own children), emotional tunnel vision, feelings of grandiosity or victimhood, destructively vindictive behavior and obsessive brooding about fantasies of harm befalling the betraying party. Being consumed by such thoughts and feelings can be a powerful motivator for some, justifying a pointless or self-defeating quest of vanquishing the “enemy” in the family court arena. I say self-defeating or pointless because most of the time, the outcome is not satisfying, and is more or less the same as would have resulted in a less acrimonious, negotiated settlement. After throwing away tens (and sometimes hundreds) of thousands of dollars in vengeful, self-righteous and ill thought-out litigation, the legal outcome is the same. Instead of civility and mutual respect, however, everyone including the children leave with bitterness and emotional scars that are long lasting. </span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Planning for your Divorce In a Mentally Healthy, Adaptive Way</span></span></b></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">The Emotional Parachute:</span></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Avoiding viciousness does not mean that you have to put your head on a chopping block, waiting for the blow of the axe. You may be the “nice one” with your soon-to-be ex experiencing most of the rage, distortions of reality and vindictiveness. It doesn’t have to be rational on the other person’s part. Don’t do too much guilt-ridden self- searching and walk around with your head hung low like a defeated person. Rather, try your best to remain centered and focused, accept reality as best and as fast as you can, and make your own plan for survival. Your mantra should be “I am not a victim.” In other words, you need to construct a mental parachute because life as you’ve known it is about to crash, like it or not. For this you will need to start by constructing a checklist of things to do, and then implementing or doing them without delay. Oh, and don’t be so certain that you are the “nice” one, since if you are feeling like a victim (and maybe in the case of domestic violence, for example, you actually are), you may be distorting reality yourself. Just because someone may have victimized you doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to feel like a victim. Feeling and thinking like a victim is disabling and makes you feel helpless. Identify your thoughts to ascertain the source of your helpless, depressive feelings. You may be telling yourself that you are defeated and helpless. That doesn’t make it so in reality. Only if you believe it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Self-Monitoring and Beware of Your Support Network</span></u></b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">:</span></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">It is good to self-monitor your thoughts and actions and to make mid-course corrections as appropriate. How do you know what is “appropriate”? Don’t ask (or overly rely on the opinions of) your friends or your parents or siblings because in most cases, they are very biased in your favor, will “egg you on” and will not be prone to take you by the lapels and shake you when you are acting irrationally. Your immediate supports, cheering squad and closest admirers and family may also vicariously feed into your victimhood, getting angry with you, and encouraging you to do things that really are not in your long term best interests. (“Destroy the bastard in Court, etc.”). They mean well, they are angry for you (maybe they are angry for themselves too for their own reasons) but they may be wrong and may be churning you up needlessly and sending you down the wrong path. Your friends and family will also suddenly acquire law degrees, as they give you free “legal” advice based on fragments of knowledge or upon something they may have seen on TV. Don’t fall for it, even though they love you and mean well. You can go down the wrong path and regret it later. At the end of the day, they don’t have to live your life or walk in your shoes-you do. You and your children will be left with the consequences of your decisions and actions.</span></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Thoughts and Emotions:</span></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Self-monitoring means that you do a periodic assessment of how you are feeling and try to ascertain what beliefs or thoughts are causing the feelings you have. I previously said that needs drive perceptions. Here, we are talking about how perceptions drive emotions. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Therapy (now mostly called, among other things, RBT or Rational Behavior Therapy), quoting Epictetus said, <i>“We are disturbed not by events, but by the views which we take of them.” </i> A few decades later, with the popularity of cognitive behavioral therapies growing in acceptance and in use, it is well accepted that an event is not what directly causes the emotion, but rather the perception of that event by the perceiver. In other words, if you took 100 people off of the street and subjected them to the same experience, you would get perhaps 100 different emotional reactions. Some of this is biological, but the most important explanation is that people have differing views of external events. Some people say it is horrible, some say it is not horrible but disappointing. Some people think, “I can’t stand it when…” and others think, “I don’t like this but I <u>can</u> stand it”. Some people cry, “Why me?” (victimhood) and others accept “Why not me, this is something that happens to people and I am not superhuman or so Divinely special that it should not have happened to me, even though it would have been much better if it hadn’t happened to me.” It’s mostly one’s habitual way of thinking that will determine their emotional reactions to external events. Habits can be changed. It all starts with a recognition that you think certain things that cause an immediate emotional reaction. Once you identify those automatic thoughts, you can monitor your thoughts, interrupt them, and perhaps substitute more reasonable thoughts in their place. It is very hard to do this with well-meaning people reinforcing irrational or self-defeating thoughts by repeating them to you over and over every time you see them or speak with them. The best time to monitor your thoughts is when you are feeling emotionally upset because the upset invariably follows the perception and thought.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">This is not to suggest that you dump everyone who loves you and cut yourself off from your family and friends. On the contrary, it is comforting to know that people care about you and are here for you But you need more objective advice than what “your people” will give you. It might be good to check with your clergy-person, a therapist, or a friend/relative who you know will give you more objective advice and constructive criticism. Your attorney will also give you legal advice. If you are unsure if your attorney has your best interests at heart, or is unresponsive to you, you should get a second opinion in a consultation. But realize that it is easy for another attorney to criticize your attorney. If you fired your current lawyer, you might hire the consulting attorney. So the advice you are getting may not be totally without a conflict of interest. It is best to discuss your concerns and any discomfort with your current attorney to see if you can get a satisfactory answer, express and work out your concerns, and hopefully get on the same page. If you believe after this talk, that your lawyer is not adequately representing you or is not hearing you, then perhaps you should cut your losses and find another one before too much time and wasted money goes by. I have been retained by numerous clients who told me that they already spent over $7,500 or more on a previous attorney, and accomplished nothing and now had to pay another retainer and start all over again. Time already went by and opportunities were missed. In some circumstances, although it is not equivalent by any means, you can make the analogy to cancer treatment where the commercials for the big cancer centers claim that it matters where you first get treated. With improper medical treatment, or with improper or inadequate legal representation, bad things can develop and it is harder (and sometimes impossible) to reverse the process—whether medically or legally. It is better on day one, to hire a competent specialist in any of these scenarios, with whom you have a good report and trust.</span></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">How to Self-Monitor - The Basics:</span></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">To return to the theme of this section, how does one do self-monitoring in the family court arena? Well you can start by setting a regular schedule for taking an inventory of your thoughts and actions. Maybe Sunday night before the new week begins, or perhaps on Thursday night as the week winds up; it is up to you, but you should insist that you do this, even if it is for five or ten minutes. Do the checklist:</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">a.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What am I doing (actions, behaviors) and where am I going (goals)?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">b.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Why am I doing it (or why am I embarking or traveling on this path?)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">c.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What is my emotional state this week, or how was it generally?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">d.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">On a scale of 1-10, how good or bad did I feel?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">e.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What is the predominant emotion that I experienced this week (some examples):</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">i.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Anxiety (generalized, unspecified)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">ii.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fear (of a specific event; obsessive about it)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">iii.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Depression</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">iv.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Anger</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">v.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Are there mood swings? From what to what? And how frequently do I do that? (Have you always been prone to mood swings and if so, is it worse now?)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">f.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What do I think about the most?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">g.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When do I think that? (in bed? during the day? all the time?);</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">h.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What emotion is associated with that thought (or those thoughts)?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">i.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Does my thinking boil down to just a few horrible assumptions? What are those assumptions? Familiar ones:</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">i.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> I am a victim of so-and-so;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">ii.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> He/she is the bad person and I am the nice one;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">iii.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> He/she ruined my life; I feel sorry for myself, etc.;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">iv.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> This is truly horrible, a disaster of epic proportions from which I will never recover; my life is over;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">v.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> I can’t do this;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">vi.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> My children will hate me; love him/her more; reject me, etc.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">vii.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> He/she will find someone/has someone to love and I will be alone; It is horrible if the kids have a relationship with his girlfriend, her boyfriend, etc. (a variation: I am no longer needed. The kids will abandon me for the girlfriend/boyfriend/ex’s fiancé.) </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">viii.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> It is horrible that my children love their father/mother, don’t see who he/she really is, don’t know that it’s his/her fault, etc.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">ix.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> He/she is a truly evil, horrible person, deserving of punishment and misery. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">j.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Has my behavior changed; have I develop new habits or has my dysfunctional behavior worsened (examples: obsessive thoughts, buimia, drinking/substance abuse, anger outbursts, not getting out of bed, phobias, etc.);</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">k.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What thoughts can I identify that are associated with my dysfunctional behaviors (e.g. What was I thinking right before I went on a drinking binge? What was I thinking right before I started purging? What was I thinking or feeling right before I had that violent episode? etc.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><u>Needs v. Wants:</u></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> For the sake of accuracy, it should be pointed out that needs are different from “wants”. We need air, water, food, shelter, (and money to get most of them), etc. The basics. (That’s why they are needs.) We tend to elevate “wants” to needs without batting an eyelash, and then our perceptions of reality change automatically. You may very much <i>want</i> love and affection, you may very much <i>want</i> your kids to be loyal to you, you may very much <i>want</i> to “win” in court over your soon-to-be ex, but you don’t <i>need</i> for these things to happen. You won’t die if you don’t win. You <u>will</u> die without food and water. You won’t die if your kids love your ex’s fiancé because she/he is so nice to them. (Actually it’s better than the fiancé/boyfriend/girlfriend abusing your kids, right?). If you find yourself fantasizing about your kids coming home and bitterly complaining about your ex’s new friend, maybe you are not on the right path. In reality, your children will not write you off in favor of the other parent’s new partner. They just want to have fun and feel comfortable and secure. If you are experiencing jealousy and resentment, or worse over this, you are probably going to cause your children to feel anxious, guilty, conflicted and angry. You could actually be pushing your kids away with all of that. It’s not the end of the world if your children have a nice relationship with a new partner. It’s probably inevitable and may actually be a good thing. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> In general, you should question your assumptions and ask yourself if you are feeling insecure, abandoned or betrayed by your children. If so, go to your thinking and question your assumptions and the origins of your thoughts. Ask if it would truly be the end of the world if you don’t get what you <i>want</i>, and most of time the answer will be no. “Will I die if I get one less day parenting time? No, I may be disappointed but it’s not the end of the world.” It is possible to create a pseudo-reality in your head, based on irrational thoughts, and if so, you could easily react inappropriately to what is the real reality, causing you to sabotage yourself with your kids and with a Family Court Judge. </span></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Getting Ready for Divorce or any Breakup (top ten list):</span></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Without being vicious or crooked, there are prudent things you can do to prepare for a divorce. If you are initiating it, you don’t know what your spouse’s/partner’s reaction will be. While you may be rational and decent, you can’t always predict how someone else will react to a rejection. Even if your relationship is dead, people sometimes react with surprise, devastation or rage reactions. Sometimes people go from depression, crying and great sadness to anger. Moods change over time. So you have to accept that the other person may not handle your lawyer’s letter or divorce papers very well. This also assumes you are still living together. Here are some tips in anticipation of possible acting out by the other person. These should be done in advance, before you take any overt action, when things are still calm and hopefully civil. They are not necessarily in any particular order of importance and they may not all apply to your situation. There may be more that you can think of. So read carefully and discern what applies to you and what does not. Remember, <u>this is not legal advice</u>, just general practical guidelines for you to consider as you embark on your divorce journey.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">1.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Get a post office box or arrange with a friend/relative to have your mail sent there. Remember that the post office sends a confirmation card to your home, so make sure you are home to receive the mail so your spouse/partner doesn’t see it before you do. The P.O. Box is important so you can receive personal mail or bills without worrying about the other person opening it, reading it, or destroying it. Getting your attorney’s bills (for example) sent to your home is asking for problems. Or an important house bill may arrive and your partner/spouse could throw it out to sabotage you or your credit score.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">2. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Discretely remove any of your important papers documents (e.g. your honorable discharge papers, naturalization papers, diplomas, love letters, etc.) to a safe place (a desk drawer at work, your parents’ or sibling’s house, a safe deposit box, etc.). It is good to have a copy of all of your bank account’s recent statements. It is good to know where your spouse keeps his/her own money (so the bank records can be requested or subpoenaed.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">3. Get a safe deposit box and keep the key out of the house. You can put your important personal papers, mementos, tapes, photos, personal jewelry, etc., into it. Important point: You should realize that you will have to declare (for the Court’s discovery process) that you have such a box, and list what is in it. Your spouse’s personal property is his/hers and your property is yours. But there is joint marital property that will need to be inventoried and divided up fairly. You can argue later about what is joint marital property and what is yours, and what is pre-marital property. Just do the right thing by not using your safe deposit box to hide things to cheat your spouse out of what might be rightfully his/hers. All cash will have to be declared and taxes will have to be paid if you haven’t yet done so. The Judge may be obligated to inform the IRS if cash is not reported or if there is evidence of tax fraud. You cannot expect your attorney to participate in that either. On a related topic, you cannot expect the Judge to believe your monthly budget is $8,000 ($96,000 per year) while you are only showing an annual income of $70,000 before taxes on your returns. Also parenthetically, in Discovery, you will have to list whatever photos and tapes and other documents you intend to utilize if the case goes to trial, and to provide copies to your adversary attorney. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">4. If you have a joint checking/savings account, you cannot just wipe it out and take all the money for yourself. Whatever you take will have to be accounted for in the divorce and the bank statements will show all of the transactions, obviously. If you are in a State that equally divides the marital property, then for example, if there was $10,000 in an account and you took it all out, $5,000 belongs to your spouse and he/she will have to get a credit for that amount at the time of settlement or trial. In many cases, a judge will order that you return it all now unless you can show that you only took your half and left half for the other party. Keep receipts and recent bank statements. If you are the primary wage earner, you will most likely have to provide support (spousal and child) as well as mortgage and other house expenses before the divorce goes through, to maintain the status quo until things can get sorted out. You should not (and in many states you cannot) cancel health insurance, auto and homeowner’s insurance, life insurance, etc., without judicial permission. Don’t start out on the wrong foot by sending a message to the Judge that you are vindictive and trying to hurt your spouse. Especially provocative to the Judge will be the primary wage earner who tries to deprive the children of health care, child support and other necessary items.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">5. Get an attorney and legal advice before you say anything to your spouse/partner about the divorce. Do not admit any wrongdoing, fault or reveal any confidences or fears you may have. Your spouse/partner will no longer be your friend, may be enraged with you, may be recording everything you say (which can and will be used against you), in person and on the phone, and may be planning how to gain some imagined or hoped-for advantage. Do not confide in or admit anything to any of his/her friends or relatives. They are no longer your friends or family. They will not be loyal to you. They also could be recording your conversations and will not hesitate to testify against you if necessary. Your relationships with them may change rapidly, sorry to say, and you should be emotionally and mentally prepared for this when it happens.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">6. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">Do not post anything about this (or about your thoughts and feelings) on social media such as Facebook, or blog about what a creep the other party is. The photos and posts you put on social media are frequently brought into Court and used as evidence. Lawyers routinely scan for incriminating statements for their clients. Sometimes a blog post can be interpreted as threatening or harassing and can be used in a domestic violence proceeding as evidence of harassment or making terroristic threats. Just because you are upset does not mean the whole world has to know about it or why. You cannot try your spouse/partner in the court of public opinion on social media because it cannot help you. Your friends on Facebook are not members of your jury (if there was one in Family Court). Talk to your friends in person, rather than on the computer. Delete previous posts or blogs that can be used against you. Go back as far as you can and delete as much as you can. Those cute comments you made 3 years ago about wanting to wring your child’s neck, or saying that you are a better parent after drinking a pint of vodka will be provided to the Judge in a child custody dispute. Don’t underestimate the wrath of anyone scorned, rejected and abandoned. Expect that in a bitter custody dispute, you may be ordered to submit to a urine sampling in Court.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">7. Change all of your passwords! Take your laptop with you to work every day. Make a backup copy of your computer’s hard drive (desktop and laptop) and keep the copies out of the house. Password protect your laptop/desktop and smart phone so that no one can get into your emails or other accounts, or even sign onto the computer without your knowledge. Make a copy of all of your photos on digital media and keep the copy out of the house if you value those pictures. Take your camera out of the house.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">8. It is possible that your spouse/partner put a locator application on your phone, or other applications that show where you’ve been, who has been calling you, and what web sites you have been visiting on your personal computer or phone. It might be a good idea to take your cell phone (and laptop) to a spy shop or other service that can scan your phone for bugs or foreign applications. I have seen this happen to clients just like you, so don’t be surprised if the person you are divorcing has been so mistrustful and paranoid that your phone was tinkered with. Don’t let your phone out of your sight. Password protect the entire phone so no one else can use it without knowing the password. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">9. Organize all of your financial records, make a list of your assets and debts with account numbers, locations, etc. You will have to file a detailed financial disclosure form in the beginning stages of the divorce, and then probably an updated one later on. You will need to provide information about insurance policies, bank accounts, pensions, 401k’s, retirement plans, timeshares, airline mileage rewards programs, lists of real estate owned, values of real property, personal property, joint property, collectables, jewelry, furs, etc. Might as well start now with collecting this information. Organize it, keep receipts and recent statements in an expanding folder with labeled sections. Keep the folder at work or at a friend’s/relative’s house for safekeeping. Whatever you can’t obtain can be gotten later, but the more work you do now, the less you will have to do later and you will save money on attorney time. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">10. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-size: 9px; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">When your spouse is away from the house, make a photo or video inventory of every room in your house, showing all the furniture, wall hangings, clothing in the closets, appliances, dishes, bar stools, etc. Don’t leave anything out. It would also be helpful if you could get proof of what you laid out from your premarital money for the down payment on the house. Photograph your autos, boat, etc. If your mother loaned you $50,000 that you will have to pay back, it would also be good if you signed a promissory note when you did that, and began making payments. Cancelled checks and writings regarding family loans (could be handwritten or email) increase your credibility in Court. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Conclusion:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;"> Preparing for divorce/dissolution of a relationship involves cognitive, emotional and legal factors. They are all important to recognize and to deal with appropriately. The top ten preparation tips listed above can be done in a methodical and sterile manner, without great anger, vindictiveness or drama. The more drama, the more your legal fees will be. The more preparation on your part, the better it will be for you on many levels. <u>It is important that you not allow your emotional reactions govern how you conduct your divorce</u>. Although it is upsetting and is a major stress and a big loss, it is essential that you try your best to self-monitor your thoughts, your emotions, your behavior and evaluate your strategies on a regular basis. You can mount an effective strategy with your attorney and the more you work it that way, the less drama. You should know what your strategy is, what you want to accomplish, and what means are going to be used to accomplish your goals. You should question your thoughts, feelings, emotions and strategies on a regular basis to make sure you are on course and conducting yourself in a manner that you can be proud of under the circumstances. It is possible to retain your humanity, dignity and emotional stability throughout your divorce. If the other party acts badly, you should take rational and lawful steps to protect yourself. Don’t let that person drag you down to a lower and unacceptable level of functioning. What do you think? Tell me- Post a comment.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; text-align: center;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2012</span></div>
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<b><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.<span style="color: blue;"></span></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Web Site: </span></b><a href="http://www.jdgordonlaw.com/" style="color: #888888; text-decoration: none;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">www.jdgordonlaw.com</span></span></b></a><span style="color: blue; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br /></span><b style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Tweet Me: @jdgordonlaw<br />Linked In: http://www.linkedin.com/in/jdgordonlaw</span></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2021238510382639031.post-85695892766999784142012-06-25T17:21:00.000-04:002012-06-25T17:21:48.908-04:00<br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 14px;">Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.</b></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">KARMA AND FAIRNESS IN FAMILY COURT<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2012</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">While this is not an attempt by any means to
review the concept of karma in depth, I will try to employ this concept as an
illustration for behavior that is manifested in Family Court. I am also not attempting to review each
religion’s definition of Karma, or the historical origins derived from each
religion, but rather to make a point as it pertains to Family Court
issues. So with that proviso, here goes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">The concept of karma, simplistically, can be
seen as a consequence of one’s actions, as a stream of cause and effect. The Hindus see Karma as thoughts, words and
actions that cause a direct effect. But the consequences of one’s actions (Karmically
speaking) are mitigated by other actions, and it is the totality of one’s
actions that will determine one’s future course. It is the law of nature, if you will, that brings
the effects of one’s actions back to the actor.
It is similar to the Newtonian physics concept that every action causes
an equivalent, opposite reaction.
Buddhism conceptualizes Karma as a person’s actual intention, as
contrasted with their overt behavior.
Good intentions cause good effects while bad intentions cause evil
effects. Doing good acts for selfish
motives causes bad Karma.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Western culture adapted the karma concept
which essentially has the same or similar themes in concepts such as “what goes
around comes around”, “reaping what you sow” and “live by the sword, die by the
sword” (Christian). A more modern view,
such as that discussed by the psychoanalyst Carl Jung, suggests in his concept
of <i>synchronicity</i> that things that happen simultaneously are
related. He suggests that any act
resulting from cognitively unresolved emotions (cognitive dissonance) causes Karma. (Note: I previously discussed cognitive
dissonance in my post about “Dog Wars”.)
Rabbi Nachman, the founder of Breslev Chassidism and his followers
discuss “A turn for a turn” which is conceptualized as the message that is sent
from G-d to teach a person why he/she is suffering. For example:
“An employer who unjustly accused an employee of stealing (to withhold
his wages) was soon thereafter accused by the tax authorities of cheating on
his income tax.” (Breslev.co.il). There are numerous discussions in the Talmud
and other Jewish commentaries regarding why people experience suffering and
tragedy, in the context of “a turn for a turn” or for purifying one’s soul
(this time around). Whether or not the
person recognizes his/her suffering as a message or as a consequence of an
action (Karma) varies from person to person.
Sometimes, especially in times of great duress, it is difficult to
discern the correct course or to figure out why things go in a particular
direction, despite one’s certainty of what seems fair and just at that
time. “A wise mind will know time and
justice. For everything has its time and
justice, for man’s evil overwhelms him. Indeed, he does not know what will
happen, for when it happens, who will tell him?” (Ecclesiastes 8:5-6). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Whether it is called karma, or poetic
justice, a turn for a turn, or reaping what you sow, it all represents a
widespread belief across cultures and religions that in one way or another, one
is responsible for-and will be held accountable for-their actions and
intentions. How does that apply to Family
Court actions? It is common to see
hatred expressed freely in Family Court.
It is often a place of great sadness, disappointment, betrayal and
hurt. Divorces happen there. Marriages end. Spouses and partners recount their subjective
pain, their traumas, their addictions and perversions, rejections, physical
violence, the allegations of abuse and neglect of children, etc. Day after day mud is slung from one side to
another, either to gain some perceived or hoped-for advantage, or most
importantly to get essential relief from the Court. Regarding the latter, sometimes the only
language someone will understand is a Court Order. The Family Courts are, among other things,
charged with protecting the best interests of the children. These courts also protect litigants’ rights,
enforce previous court orders, ensure fairness in the financial aspects of
marital dissolution, protect battered spouses, etc. (to name a few). When one party is dishonest, disturbed,
violent or uncooperative, a person may have no choice but to make an
application for Court assistance (i.e. filing a motion or petition). That is not the primary focus here. Rather, the issue of Karma is one that can
help guide a person through very difficult circumstances.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">In general, a person’s self perception can
determine their reactions to difficulties.
For example, an angry person who perceives him/herself as a victim may
be driven toward vindictive behavior by a sense of self righteous
indignation. If a person feels
justified, that person may indulge in unnecessary and harassing litigation that
was not necessary. This is sometimes
done just to punish the other party, to make them spend their last dime on
legal fees, to try to humiliate that other person in court, etc. Sometimes a person who feels betrayed,
abandoned or otherwise screwed-over by
the other, gives him/herself a license to beat up the other party in court over
and over again. Sometimes the issues are
not clear and it takes time for the Court to see that this is frivolous and
harassing. This is bad legal Karma and can
come back to bite the offending party.
We see this when a Judge who may have once been sympathetic, begins to
realize that the complaints are never-ending, without merit, are trivial,
mean-spirited, untrue and represent a continual process of legal harassment and
vilification of the other person. The
Court won’t indefinitely allow this to take place.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Very Bad Karma- Some Examples:<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: blue;">Alienation of Children from the Other Parent:<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"> One of the worst things a parent can
do is to alienate a child from their other parent. Regardless of your opinion of the other
parent, as long as he/she is not dangerous, violent, neglectful, a drug addict
or alcoholic, or possesses some other terrible characteristic, you do not have
the right to deprive the child of that parent.
The definition of “neglectful” can be very subjective. We are not talking about who is the better
parent. Even though you may consider
yourself to be the better quality parent, your concerns probably do not rise to
the level of abuse or neglect. Purposely
alienating a child from the other parent is a form of child abuse. The child will eventually realize what the
alienating parent did to them (maybe much later in life) and what that
alienating parent did to the child will come back to haunt him/her. The child will want to know why the
alienating parent did that to them and will usually seek out the other parent
anyway. The maliciously alienating
parent goes down a destructive as well as self-defeating path. A parent in the throes of a dissolution of a
relationship may become so reactively narcissistic that he/she cannot see the
damage this does to the child. There is a selfish loss of empathy. Every bad behavior becomes justified in that
person’s mind. Being consumed with hate,
anger, vengeance and a sense of personal victimhood creates bad Karma. It is a disabling and destructive force and
is hurtful to children who need two parents to love.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Trying
to impoverish the other party:<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"> Whether it is a wife who feels
betrayed by a philandering husband or a husband who hates his seemingly
unlovable wife (these are just for illustration; could be the opposite
scenario, or one of many others), the more powerful spouse’s sense of
victimhood and self righteousness may act as self-permission for--or
rationalization of mean behavior. Trying
to “take him/her for everything he/she’s worth” is just mean. Being selfish, uncaring, punitive and vindictive
to the other party is sometimes acted out financially. One of the parties may try to make sure the
other person—possibly the other parent of the child they both created—has “nothing”
at the end of the day. It is sad to see
one party enjoy their apparent victory when the other person is ordered to pay
an inordinate amount of support, beyond what the recipient really needs and
what the payor can comfortably afford.
Sometimes it works that way and while it might be unfair, it gets put
into place and one party is enriched parasitically off of the other. The Courts try to prevent this, but do not
always see how one party is being disproportionately enriched. This often happens when the larger wage
earner is able to hide their income and to make it look like they have less
than they do to avoid paying the support they should be paying. This is mean, unfair and creates bad Karma.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gordon’s Rules of
Family Court Karma:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"> What goes around comes around sooner
or later. When it does, you may or may
not be there to see it. Justice doesn’t
always show up at your convenience for you to witness. You just have to trust
that it will occur eventually. That may
entail some spirituality on your part to believe that things get taken care of
one way or another in this world (or in the next), and that you do not have to
be the one to mete out justice. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"> It’s bad Karma to want to witness
someone else’s bad outcome, just to get satisfaction that they “got theirs”. Believing that life balances itself out one
way or another for the best should be enough.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"> Don’t do the right thing for the
sake of being rewarded by some supernatural force, like getting a prize for
good behavior. That will lead to
disappointment and bitterness. Living
your life in a positive way with minimal expectations for reward will create
inner positive effects. You will like
yourself more and be a happier person living in the light. That is your reward.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"> It is bad Karma to try to control
and manipulate others for your own benefit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is bad Karma to walk around chronically
angry, feeling victimized, blaming others, not taking responsibility for your
actions, relying on magical solutions, lying to others, making promises you
don’t intend to keep, manipulating and misleading others, obsessing, scheming,
plotting, being vengeful, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is bad Karma to threaten, verbally or
physically abuse another person. Bullies
create bad Karma.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is bad Karma to steal, cheat, deceive,
manipulate, lie, defy court orders, not show up for appointments
(passive-aggressive behavior), hide things from the court or from your estranged partner/ex, exaggerate, be
a drama queen, say inappropriate things in front of your children and their
teachers, withhold parenting time, etc. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is good Karma to tell the truth, allow
others to be who they are (as long as they are not trying to hurt you), take
responsibility for your actions, make amends, be fair, respectful and
reasonable.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is good Karma to be forgiving, kind,
charitable, civil, respectful and sensitive of the feelings of others. This includes your ex, your children, and
those around you. Getting more with
honey than with vinegar holds true most of the time. When it doesn’t, you can be satisfied knowing
that you took the high road and acted in a way that you can be proud of. You want to be an example and a good role
model to your children who observe you and who absorb your attitudes and copy
your behaviors. On the other hand,
taking the high road does not mean that you have to subject yourself to abuse
and be taken advantage of repeatedly by a mean person. There is a time for understanding and
civility and there is a time for litigation. Knowing and recognizing the difference is important.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">It is good Karma to allow and to encourage
your children to love their other parent, enjoy their time with that parent and
his/her family without being made to feel guilty or uncomfortable. You should assume that your child(ren) will
not always be with you or under your control since they also have to be with
the other parent. The other parent has
other rules and other ways of doing things.
Accepting the other parent’s differing parenting style and philosophy of
life amounts to accepting reality on your part and that is a good thing. Fighting the other parent on inconsequential
parenting issues or on other things you cannot control, such as differing
religious observances, creates bad Karma and makes your child anxious, guilt-ridden
and depressed. It is good Karma to
accept that you cannot control everything, don’t have to, and that things will usually
turn out for the best regardless of what you do. You cannot control what goes on in your ex’s
house when your child is there. Your
child is not as fragile as you may think. Think about other things and let go. We are not, however, talking about abuse,
neglect or other extreme conditions.
That is an entirely different subject requiring a different approach. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;">There are probably many more examples I could
use, but hopefully this makes the point clear.
Even though Family Court litigation is unpleasant, comes with hurt,
betrayal and sadness, it does not, and should not have to be a place where one
party is trying to maliciously and vindictively destroy the other, hurt the
other, and alienate the children from the other. Keeping a sense of personal balance,
perspective and decency is key. Asking
one’s self, “Is this going to generate bad Karma?” is a good way to self-check
one’s actions. There was once a time
when you loved the other person, perhaps created a child with that person, and
now if the relationship is over, it is still a good thing to part civilly,
respectfully and fairly to each other.
That way, you can look in the mirror at night and like what you see, not
have to feel guilty. If you don’t feel guilty (because the other person had it
coming) then at least not having to deal with the inevitable consequence of the
bad Karma you created, later down the road.
Even in Family Court, light is better than darkness, mutual respect wins
over vilification, forgiveness wins over victimhood and retribution, and all of
these allow you to more quickly move on with your life for a better future. What do you think? Post a comment.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0033cc; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; text-align: center;">Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2012</span></div>
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<b><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is not legal or psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.<span style="color: blue;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18290580844825868186noreply@blogger.com2